


Blood is liquid, it's not that great to make ties

by ChaoticWeirdo



Category: Gintama
Genre: Blood, Dirty Jokes, Explicit Language, Groping, Humor, Idiots, Idiots Everywhere, Illustrated, M/M, OCD, Parody, Post-Canon, Sexual Harassment, Some pining, Vampires, a bit dark too at times, and stuff, angsty bits, hmm well kinda, minor plot ocs, or attempt at humor, vampire wannabes, wannabes, way too obvious jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 56,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26440876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticWeirdo/pseuds/ChaoticWeirdo
Summary: So I saw in a newspaper something about: https://www.eurobats.org/international_bat_night (yup, I'm late)Which made me think about vampires, and that Gin-san would hate having to drink blood, or it'd have to be a diabetic's maybe. But he can't drink his own, soo...It's a story about Gin-san who hates being a vampire.Also lame & way too obvious (&dirty) jokes.Also bats need some love, these days. Pangolins too but hum... I'll leave those to someone else!
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 23
Kudos: 132





	1. Sunlight is aggressive to people with a hangover

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to read a serious vampire story, hum, you'll be disappointed.  
> Feel free to read it, of course, and complain the comments! But this isn't gonna be serious AT ALL . If it makes it better, that was the purpose, you've been warned!  
>   
> 

  
  
  
  
  


Hijikata passed a hand on his bleary eyes.

  
They'd been called before sunrise. A comatose man, on the verge of death, had been found in one of Kabuki district's many back alleys. Another one.

  
The young man who found him was delivering newspapers. Akito Hiro didn't seem suspicious, though Hijikata had ordered Yamazaki to follow him for the day, just in case, while Saitou took care of the background check. Harada would be in charge of this crime scene.  
They'd find nothing, Hijikata suspected, but they had no lead, nothing at all.

  
That Akito guy was a kid, and he was obviously shaken. He'd let him go, while the unresponsive man was taken care of. As much as possible.

  
That was the third one this week, so the kid had a good reason to look in the alleys, while he passed them, to avoid being surprised by what may have roamed in there. He wisely had called an ambulance and the police right away, and the city police had called them.

  
The kid probably had not been in danger, though. He'd seen no one, and hadn't heard anything either, but he'd been listening to the last Does album, and with his headphones on, if someone had left trying to be discreet, that would have been more than enough.

  
After seeing him, while the medics were pumping blood in him, Hijikata thought the nearly dead man had been there for a while. His body was very cold and stiff. He looked dead, and would have been, most probably, if the kid had not thought maybe there was a chance.

That wasn't really surprising, as he barely had enough blood left to be alive. The medics said a little longer without a transfusion, and he'd have died.

As he'd approached the stretcher, the first thing Sougo did was lower a bit of the large scarf still around the man's neck.

  
Hijikata saw to the two small pierced holes on the jugular. The medics exchanged gazes, but didn't say a thing, continuing to check his vitals, transfuse and keep him warm till he was stable enough to be transported to the hospital.

  
“You still don't believe it's a vampire, Hijikata-san?” He'd let go of the scarf to face him with a smirk. “You really should take your work seriously, though. That's the second one since we took over the case.”

  
“Shut up. It's not a vampire. Just a sick bastard.”

  
Sougo didn't find the idea as interesting. Would Hijikata be scared of a real vampire the way he was of ghosts? He'd love to introduce the vampire to him, to check.

  
He shrugged. They walked to the crime scene.

  
“There's no sign another person came from that way,” he said, looking at the portion of the road opposite to the one they'd come from. “Only one set of footprints, and I'd said it's his, even with the mess the medics made.”

  
Hijikata looked at the man's feet, on the photographs taken by the first cop on the scene. One was bent in under his thigh, the other was the one that could have been seen from the main street, while the rest of the body was hidden by a large garbage pile.

  
Like he was part of someone's thrash.

  
Yet they could have killed him easily. Like the others, it seemed just enough blood was left for them not to die. Thanks to the kid who noticed him, at least. If not...  
They looked up, but unless it was some kind of really good ninja, there was no way someone could have left the body here without leaving any kind of marking anywhere.  
There was no blood anywhere either. Not one visible drop.

  
“They're making a good imitation. Danna's right to go everywhere with a bokuto, that'll make a great stake. Should we change our weapons for wooden ones?”

  
“Don't be ridiculous. It may be an amanto weirdo, like that mosquito-woman... If you want to interrogate him, go, maybe they can contact China girl's dad to see if he knows some kind of Amanto that acts like this.”

  
“I would Hijikata-san, alas, I take my job really seriously, so I have to go on patrol now. But maybe Danna has been leading a double life as a vampire slayer all along.” He had a smug smile. “Ask him.”

  
He knew. Hijikata was sure of it, he knew, and that infuriated him. He did everything he could to hide his feelings, and even more, to crush them, but Sougo seemed to have a sixth sense to notice whatever would be the most detrimental to him. He'd never said anything obvious about it though. The prick was probably waiting for the moment that would humiliate him the most.

  
He cleared his thoughts of its ridiculous infatuation.

  
Someone was on the verge of death, and the least he could do, as a cop guilty of failure at stopping the assault, was to concentrate on the case, find the culprit and lock him in before he hurt anyone else.

  
“Go, then, stop loitering around.”

  
As he left, Hijikata knew he didn't end up with a hand grenade in the face only because of the crime scene. Even Sougo wouldn't destroy that.

  
The vice-commander looked at the young man, once again. They'd found no ID on him, but he looked nice. Handsome, even, though his pallid skin was now frightening. Well fitted and pricey clothes, manicured nails, and even a bit of make up, on his eyes. If they were a little bit more lucky than the last time, he was a host, and they'd identify him easily.

  
The last victim hadn't been identified, yet. Even though her face had been broadcasted on TV and shown in every newspaper. No one came forward. It'd only been two days, but still...

  
He made some calls, while the medics, judging the vic stable enough for transport, took him to the still not renamed Edo hospital. At least, the victims had been found early, so there wasn't a crowd to manage. The other two were still in a coma, at the hospital. Their blood was back to normal, but they had yet to wake up, and no one seemed to know why.

  
He left the crime scene after selecting a picture of the guy's face, telling the cops to gather whatever they could, and left Harada in charge.  
Walking back to the main street, he looked at it. A beautiful man, really. Between 20 and 25 he'd say.  
And pale, so pale.  
  


Shinpachi yawned loudly, as he reached his destination. He smiled saying “Hi” to Tama, who was sweeping the front of Otose's snack. She smiled at him, and they chatted a bit before he went up.

  
Both Kagura and Gintoki were still asleep, though it was already nine. He woke Kagura up easily, after he'd cooked some rice. Saying “breakfast” anyway near her worked like a Pavlov's bell, and her eyes opened immediately every time.

  
He served her a first bowl, and glanced at the TV, from time to time, while he was cleaning the mess on Gintoki's desk.

  
“Gin-san partied all night long again, yesterday?”

  
Kagura yawned, and nodded.

  
“That no good old man! He was so loud when he came back! He was making a racket about how the door was blocked, I had to tell him to come in and shut up.”

  
She had grabbed the front of his clothes and thrown him inside but same difference.

  
“Sadaharu was mad too, he growled so much! You don't like being woken up by drunkards either, Sadaharu, yes?”

  
She smiled at the giant dog, who let out some kind of sniffing and a high pitched bark, after he'd heard his name, before he put back his head on his legs to sleep some more.  
It was a really quiet morning. They had no call, and no sound came from Gintoki's room till around 11. They heard a loud hiss, and then silence.

  
“Gin-san?”

  
A bored voice replied.

  
“Not today. Gin-san's not feeling well. I'll go back to sleep, now.”

  
Kagura helped herself to yet another bowl of rice, and cracked an egg on it. A snack, since Gin-chan had not bothered to get up for breakfast, someone had to eat his share, right?

  
“Lazy old man.”

  
Shinpachi frowned at his door. Well that wasn't like it was the first time. He didn't understand why older people kept drinking again and again even though they knew it always ended up in puke or a debilitating hangover.

  
He started cleaning the place, and doing whatever chores he could, and some time after noon, as he was preparing lunch, he decided enough was enough.

  
He let the rice cooker do its job. They didn't have money for anything else but rice and eggs, so he was done with the cooking anyway.

  
He opened Gintoki's door, and shook his head, as he saw him still in bed. He crossed the room to open the window's blinds, was but stopped as he reached them.

  
“Don't open it.”

  
“Gin-san, it's noon already!”

  
“The light's too bright!”

  
“That's your fault for drinking too much!”

  
Gintoki glared at him, from under his bangs.

  
“Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I have a job tonight, so I'll sleep now and get up around... 8 or 9, or something.”

  
“A job?”

  
“Yeah, so let me sleep for now, Pattsuan! I'm so tired!”

  
“You should at least eat something! Rice will be ready soon.”

  
Gintoki scratched his belly.

  
“I'll come out later, yeah, don't worry, mom.”

  
Shinpachi hesitated in front of the window, and finally sighed, before he left the room. He didn't see Gintoki's relieved expression, as he did. Sadaharu, at the now closed door, sniffed and followed him back to he living room.

  
Gintoki looked angrily at the window. The blinds didn't let light in; thankfully. He'd go out tonight, yeah. He'd need to eat something, Shinpachi was right, but... The thought of rice made his stomach turn.

  
He rubbed his eyes, wondering what the hell happened to him, the night before. He had no real recollection of it. Just a really weird dream lingering. His neck felt really itchy because of it.

  
In the living room, Sadaharu's eyes were fixated on Gintoki's door. He growled every time Shinpachi or Kagura came near it, ready to move, but on the other side of the door, everything was quiet.

  
  


No clues. Not the slightest bit of a clue.

  
Hijikata was frustrated. Something was happening.

  
Night was falling, and he could see how people were hastily going wherever they had to be. No one wanted to be outside after dark, there were already rumours.

  
The Shinsengumi's help on this investigation had been asked after the first victim was found, after at least 10 people had disappeared, too, before even the first barely alive man was discovered by a street sweeper. It had been a week already.

  
There was no link between the vics, it seemed. They were young and good looking, 8 men, and 5 women. They'd disappeared at night, after work or parties, same for the three people who were found. Hijikata really wasn't optimistic about those people who disappeared...

  
He'd be really glad if he was wrong, but he didn't think they'd ever be seen alive again.

  
That meant at least thirteen assaulted, and maybe ten dead if not more, as some disappearances may not have been declared. Journalists were having a field about how the police wasn't efficient enough. About how they had no lead after so many victims.

  
And he hated to admit that they were right.

  
There had to be something they'd missed. No one could commit that many crimes without leaving any clue or any useful witness.

  
He'd managed to identify the latest victim, at least.

  
He was indeed a host, but he'd left after work around the time he usually did, and no one suspicious had been noticed around him that night. He was really popular, and had entertained several women, on this same night, but finding them wouldn't be easy.

There was one other thing about him. He knew how to fight, and his job was to keep things peaceful and manage drunkards and angry husbands, too. The other two people found were fit, and the woman's hands indicated she may have been a swordfigther, he was told, after he'd called the hospital. That may lead to something, or maybe the asshole only left to die people who knew how to fight?

Still, they should have been able to defend themselves, and there was no sign of any struggle, on the scenes, nor on their bodies.

Nothing indicating they had fought or even tried too.

  
The news relayed they were looking for witnesses, and anyone talking to the identified host that night was to come forward, but no such luck yet. Maybe tomorrow.

  
It was early evening, as he left Mastudaira's office, with Kondo. They'd talked to him about a possible Amanto that would be similar to what they called a vampire, and Matsudaira would try and reach Umibouzu. If there was a planet with Amanto vampires, he'd probably know about it. In the meantime, they had already doubled patrols at night, leaving most of the day work to the city police.

  
People were already frightened, anyway, and not many would go out at night, unless they had to. But that didn't apply to the Kabuki district. People there partied even while under attack, even when the city was threatened by armies keen on destroying everything.

  
Some disappearances were not going to halt the night life.

  
Kondo was genuinely worried about Otae, and decided he'd be her bodyguard. Having someone there wasn't a bad idea, Snack Smile was full of beautiful young ladies, any of them could be the next target.

  
Did they have someone in mind already? Or were they striking on every opportunity they had? There was no way to be sure of it, and Kondo would at least be a good deterrent. Just in case, Yamazaki would back him up.

  
Hijikata, meanwhile, would patrol, and try to learn more about vampires. He'd worked for hours to organize more patrols after sunset, and went himself, in the city at night, but nothing special happened. His shift ended at 4, and he went to sleep pissed that nothing useful was discovered yet glad at least, the killer didn't seem to be out.

  
Hopefully, nothing would happen, before the next sunrise.  
  


When he woke up, he checked his phone. Relieved that no message was left, which was indicating no new victim was found, he rose, and prepared himself for a very long day.

  
Around 3 in the afternoon, he was entering the public library. It was embarrassing, but he didn't know anything about vampires. He wasn't exactly into scary stories. With nothing else to work on, he thought reading a little about the myth couldn't hurt, he'd check websites later, but he needed to move, to feel like he was doing something. Scrolling even for relevant information would piss him off more. If it was an Amanto, it probably would be useless, but there still was the possibility it was a human with a seriously weird fetish.

  
The library was quiet. At this hour, students were still at school, so there were mostly elders in. The history and myth section was even more quiet than the other aisles. There was a single table there, already occupied by someone way too covered for such a sunny day.

  
“Oi, Yorozuya, I didn't think you'd read anything without drawings.”

  
He tried to read the cover that was held in Gintoki's gloved hands, but the Yorozuya didn't let him. He'd recognised him by his hair, and the bokuto on his side, but when their eyes met, Hijikata's heart missed a beat.

  
Had his eyes always been that... intense? He shuddered, feeling cold all of a sudden, and Gintoki lowered his head and the large hood he wore fell and hid his eyes.

  
“Tax-thiefs have nothing better to do with our money than hang out in libraries?”

  
Hijikata blinked.

  
“Shut up, you asshole!”

  
“Shhhhh!” came from somewhere on their left.

  
He scowled, pissed that he had disturbed other people, but that was that idiot's fault!

  
“What's with the new style, anyway?”

  
He started browsing the shelf about fantastical beings and monsters. That was unnerving, knowing the bastard was behind him, probably wondering too about why he was in this particular part of the library. That was one of the too many common points they had, they... highly disliked supernatural things.

  
Not that that was fear on his part, though it probably was on the Yorozuya's.

  
“I... I'm having a bad hair day.”

  
Hijikata turned around with a smirk.

  
“That's a common occurrence yet the hood is a first.”

  
“Hey don't mess with the perm, I'm really not in the mood.”

  
And just like that, Hijikata was staring in his eyes, feeling Gintoki's hand on his throat, holding him firmly against the shelf. His eyes widened, and Gintoki looked at him with that weird air...

  
Hijikata was starting to feel strange, but Gintoki turned his head almost immediately.

  
“Y-Yororozuya...”

  
Gintoki was looking down, his thumb moving on this throat. But then, and it was so fast Hijikata almost missed it, the Yorozuya made a move near his head, and took a step back, lowering his hood again.

  
“That places' crappy anyway! Shitty sun! Fucking hangovers.”

  
He disappeared in mere seconds, and Hijikata's hand raised to his neck, where Gintoki's finger had held him.

Firmly, but not enough to hurt.

Yet his heart was hammering in his chest.  
But his hand, that hand that was now touching his own skin, as if to compare the pressure, to confirm it had happened...  
Why had that hand stayed still while it was happening? Why did he not at least try to grab his sword?

  
He took a deep breath, looking again at the way Gintoki had left, and after a while, turned back to the shelf. His eyes searched and read the titles of the books in the general area he deduced Gintoki had put the book he was reading out. He'd started with those, and there was now a book he had not seen earlier.

  
A book about vampires.

  
He shuddered, and only then noticed there was noise around, again. It still was quiet, it was, after all, a library, but for a few seconds back there.... it had been eerily silent.

  
No self-respecting cop believes in coincidence. Of course, they exist, but a good cop will always rule out everything else it could be, before he accepts that something was indeed a coincidence.

  
So that guy knew something about his case. Maybe he'd been hired by one of the victim's family? Shit, he'd need to check that. On that kind of cases, especially when the police was stagnating, it wasn't unusual for families to hire privates detectives, and the Yorozuya took that kind of jobs too.

  
It was already a shitty investigation, and it was about to get worse, then. Well whatever, as long as there was an arrest soon, he wouldn't care. There had been too many victims already, and the sooner they found the culprit, the better chances they had of finding some of the missing people alive.

  
If it was not too late already.

  
He read a bit, but once again, he found Gintoki was having the same thought pattern he had.

  
There was nothing useful, here.

  
Who didn't already know vampires disliked garlic and holy stuff? Or that they couldn't get out in the sun? He didn't know the bit about counting seeds or untying knots but trying to look for something like this would be even more ridiculous to try than going around with garlic.  
And sure, there were different ways for killing vampires, but it was a problem they'd have when they found them.

  
He went back to the barracks.

  
Kondo had been summoned, earlier, to be yelled at by the higher ups about their lack of progress, he needed to know what was said.

  
“Oi, Yamazaki...what the hell is that?”

  
Yamazaki raised one of the garlic bulbs he wore as a necklace.

  
“I'll roast you with it, if you don't take it off. What the hell will you tell to people asking about it, you maggot?”

  
“B-but Okita-san is selling them! Are we really hunting a vampire?”

  
Hijikata grabbed the necklace and crushed it.

  
“We are not. Where is that moron?”

  
Yamazaki pointed a trembling finger towards the training grounds.

  
There, Hijikata glared, as he saw many men wearing different styles of this necklace. He approached and tiredly rubbed his forehead.

  
“K-Kondo-san, what are you wearing?”

  
Kondo smiled happily.

  
“That's the latest fashion for vampire hunters, the garlic crown.”

  
It was indeed a sort of crown, made of garlic bulbs with dangling ones on the sides and behind his head, looking like some kind of ridiculous emo wig-thing. He was wiggling his brows like it was cool.

  
“You want one, Hijikata-san? I made one for you too!” Said Sougo, with a mischievous smile.

  
He lifted a dog collar, with garlic cloves instead of the usual jewels or metal spikes. The leash was a rope of garlic bulbs.

  
“That's a dog collar you bastard! Who the hell would wear that?! Why the hell would a protection need a leash!”

  
“Ah but Hijikata-san, Kondo's got the commander's crown, you can't have it too, that would be disturbing for the men!”

  
“What's disturbing is the way you think! And you had to spend way too much time for this!”

  
“I use my breaks tastefully,” replied Sougo smugly.

  
“There's nothing tasteful about that thing! It's the opposite of tasteful! And we can't have people wearing things like these in the streets, people will freak out!”

  
“But Tosshi, vampires hate this stuff, everyone knows that!”

  
“There is no vampire, just a sick bastard who thinks he's one, the only thing these will help with is destroying our reputation!”

  
“Ah, he may be right, Sougo, Ketsuno Seimei was summoned with me earlier. He said he felt no spirit was involved in this, and he'd have felt a real vampire, he says. Tottsan is mad as hell, he's giving us one more day to find a lead, or...”

  
He protected his neck with the dangling bulbs, like it would protect him from being beheaded.

  
Hijikata accorded him a weary glance, before he destroyed Sougo's stand, as another man was coming to buy that ridiculous stuff.

  
“Fine, all of you, listen,” he yelled, “you're allowed to wear one, and only one bulb each, as long as its not conspicuous. Yamazaki, take all the rest to the kitchen and make them use it. Especially for garlic mayonnaise.”

  
“Who'd want to eat that?!” Asked Sougo, his nose wrinkling with disgust.

  
“Mayonnaise is the best even plain, but flavoured it's still a divine condiment! You're asking for divine protection against unholy creatures, there, you have it. Now, everyone who isn't yet on the way to patrol, get some rest. The city police will take care of the days, we're still doubling patrols at night. You've all worked double shifts since all this started, well expect it to go on as long as the bastard isn't in our care. There will be no other victim, and any other attack has to be on one of us. You'll work by teams of two, one in civilian to try to lure the v-asshole, and the other will keep an eye on them discreetly. I'll give you your itineraries before nightfall. Dismissed.”

  
Sougo made the dog collar turn on his index finger.

  
“So we're not going out with bokutos instead of katanas? Vampires are supposed to be super strong, but your katana's cursed, not holy. If you wanna die this badly, we can take care of it right now, right? Also you were gonna say vampire. Or was the asshole V-bang? That's what you were going to say? I think I approve of that.”

  
“Shut up, Sougo, you can't really believe it's a vampire!”

  
“Who knows. I just can't see any human taking so much blood that cleanly. Leaving them alive had to be way harder than killing them. And that's not talking about presumed kidnappings that left no trace at all.”

  
“Amanto, then? Did research that way turn up something?” Hijikata lit a cigarette, and made a face as he did. His hands smelled of garlic now.

  
Kondo shook his head, crossing his arms. He still had his crown on and played with one of the lower bulbs.

  
“Nothing yet, Umibouzou's apparently involved in a war somewhere, we didn't reach him yet. Our other contacts didn't know any kind of Amanto who'd make stuff like this.”

  
Hijikata gritted his teeth. He hated this case.

  
“Sougo, you'll team with Kondo-san tonight.”

  
Sougo nodded. He didn't know what they were against, and he didn't intend to let any harm to come to his commander. That wasn't the kind of order he'd complain about, even if it came from Hijikata.

  
“Don't go alone either, Tosshi.”

  
“Yeah, I'll have Yamazaki in a dress, the fucker targeted both men and women. I'll go finish dealing with patrols.”

  
Kondo looked at him go with a worried gaze. They had a few hours till night fell, but he doubted Tosshi would take any rest. He'd have to do something about it, if they didn't catch the guy very soon.

  
Sougo followed the vice commander. He'd let that dog collar in front of his door, and maybe a small booby trap, just to deride him a bit. Then it was nap time.

  
A few hours later, the sun had set and Hijikata was done with organizing patrols and everything else. He'd survived the grenade that had flown his way when he'd opened his door, eaten a light meal, with enough garlic mayo and was ready to get out.

  
After he lit his first post-meal cigarette, he decided to go brush his teeth for a while longer, and then was really ready to get out.

  
To see what was roaming in the shadows, and hopefully, get rid of it.


	2. Nobody likes talking on the phone. If there's one, get to the fucking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Investigation, diner, phone calls and plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever watched X-Files, you may remember an ep (an hilarious one) called Bad blood, here.
> 
> And by the way, at some point in a later chapter (around 6 I think), there'll be a ref to Ookami Kodomo no Ame to Yuki (Wolf Children). It's minor, but it gives you time to see it, if you want to (it's great!!) The other stuff is more mainstream so I won't spoil! (But if you don't wanna see it, it's a detail, here, so it doens't really matter!)
> 
> For now, sorry if you wanted more HijiGinHiji, you'll have to wait till next chapter to get more.  
>   
> 

  
  


They'd been patrolling on the outskirts of the Kabuki district for 4 hours, already.

Hijikata had rested, reading online about vampires, after he'd given everyone their patrol area. Less than one hour, but enough to be fit for a long night.

Yamazaki was doing great as a helpless woman, much better now that his hair didn't make him look like someone from Fist of the North Star. He looked like a prey, as he'd left the Mech-Zakis to look as unimpressive as he naturally did. He looked just like a plain not really ladylike girl.

The night had been quiet.

They'd rushed as some yells were heard, at one time, but it was only drunkards going home.

Around 3h30, though, Hijikata started to feel uneasy.

Something was in the air, and it got eerily quiet.

His hand went on his katana, while he still followed Yamazaki.

He heard his footsteps stop.

He stopped too, and with a sense of dread, tried to pinpoint the gaze on him. He was sure he was being observed.

He took several more steps towards Yamazaki, careful not to make a sound.

Their eyes met, when the modcop looked behind him, right before Yamazaki's eyes widened and he gripped his katana, looking at something behind the vice-commander.

Hijikata turned and took his katana out in one fluid movement, trusting instinct, immediately wary as he'd recognized fear in Yamazaki's expression. He felt a rush of air, but didn't see anything.

He frowned and turned back, to see Yamazaki frozen in place, his eyes wide open, and he finally felt a presence right near him. Inexplicably close.

He jerked away, and his sword clinked against way too long black nails on a pale woman's hand.

His eyes raised to meet amber ones.

A beautiful woman was gazing at him with a predatory smile.

“Oh pretty pretty! This city is a real treat and that uniform!” She hummed her appreciation. “Now there's no need for this, my pretty one, not with me!”

Hijikata took a step back, and tried to pull his eyes out of her gaze, gripping even more hardly his katana's hilt. He was panting as he managed another step back, trying to take a proper stance to fight, feeling thoughts that were not his own invading his mind.

“Oooh! A strong will! You'll be perfect! Am I not pretty? Look a me, you know you want to.”

“He's not into oldies, grandma.”

“Aaaah! My dear! This one you want to keep? Will he be your first meal? You know you have to feed! You look so thin and pale, poor thing! You shouldn't make your elder's worry!”

There was no doubt about whose voice it was, and Hijikata turned his head to meet Gintoki's deep, red, unnaturally glowing eyes.

He felt himself fall in them almost immediately, his grip on his sword loosened, and he heard it fall.

But he didn't move. He was shrouded in red, in those eyes, it the beautiful light in them. They made him feel all safe and calm. They were telling him everything was going to be fine.

A loving smile appeared on his lips.

Gintoki glared at him and moved his hand in front of his eyes.

Nothing.

His gaze lingered on Hijikata's neck, and he moved away from him, clenching his fists.

“Heh. He's totally out of it, that freaking moron,” he mused.

The lady took a step forward, and Gintoki faced her, weapon in hand.

“Old bag, I'm sick of this. You stop it, now, and I'll just beat you up a little.”

She laughed.

“That's not nice to say that when I willingly told you my age, treat your elders with respect! Really, kids nowadays... But this one's feisty enough. He looks like he knows how to fight too, so I could let you go and take _him_ instead.”

She tapped her index finger on her lips, eyes riveted on Hijikata's neck. Gintoki's grip on his bokuto got tighter, and he eyed her coolly.

“Not interested, old fart, and don't even think about him. Rid me of your blood.”

“Alas, my dear, it's already too late for you. Unless you feed, you'll die. And when you feed, you'll die."

The way the spoke, all sing-song, grated on Gintoki's nerves.

"Well the human in you, anyway. You'll really become one of us. I can kill you right now, if you prefer, but once you're dead,” her smile let her pointy canines appear, “this pretty one is mine.”

Gintoki attacked. She was fast. Very, frighteningly fast. Since he'd been changed, he was quicker too, but not enough to land a hit. They stopped on a roof, near the road, and Gintoki spared a glance in Hijikata's way.

He was still frozen on the spot.

“You should embrace the gift I've given you. You want him? He'll be yours. He is yours.”

“Shut up. What I want is strawberry milk and I got sick just taking a sip! That's a fucking curse, not a gift!”

“M-milk?”

“Strawberry flavoured, it's the best, but coffee milk is good too. And parfaits. If I can't eat any parfaits, what's the point? Then there's dango, and pockys, and strawberry cakes, too! There are so many kinds of sweets I have yet to try! And so many I miss since you started this!”

His expressions was of utmost seriousness, and he nodded to himself. He couldn't live without these.

That was probably what they meant, in stories, when it said vampires were dead creature. You're not really living if you can't eat sugary treats. Sugar is life! Not _blood_!

The woman looked at him, her mouth hanging open. A small vein was starting to appear, pulsating on her forehead. That idiot was strong, right?

“Immortality, eternal youth, the power to bend whoever you want to your will, and you don't want it because of-”

She didn't finish as she had to block a strong blow. She didn't wear any weapon, but her nails were sharp as knives, and she could make them longer, like claws. He'd experienced it on the previous night, as he'd finally found her to try and understand what was happening to him.

“I'm fine with getting old and dying, you bitch. How,” he stroke from her left, “do I get back,” he jumped on her side with a swift blow upwards, “to normal?”

He finally managed to get close enough and landed a punch on her face. She took a step back, holding her cheek.

“Y-you dare! You'll regret this!”

“Yeah yeah, so now, tell me,” his tone showing he was absolutely not impressed.

Her predatory smile came back.

“I'll give you two days. Look for a way, find there is none.” She flashed her teeth. “Then you'll be weakened. Do you know it gets harder to resist the urge to feed? I'll give you a chance to feed on whoever you want. When I come back, if you haven't, then I'll take him instead.”

She made a graceful gesture with her hand, in the vague direction where Hijikata still was unmoving.

“He really is a pretty one, and they're harder to resist. You won't be able to.” She shook her head sadly. “Why not just accept what you are? What you could be? We don't need to kill them, you know. We're the superior hunter, that is all. We take just enough.”

“I'll find a way without taking anything.”

“Well I'd be interested to see it, but I have to take care of that nasty bruise you gave me, you brute!” She sniffed, pouting, rubbing her cheek.

“I didn't hit that hard!”

“I'm only a woman. Men hit us so easily, it's never that hard, for them. Scum!”

“Oi oi, don't make it sound like domestic violence, you antique. I like them older and married, but there's a limit even I wouldn't cross, fucking rotting carcass.”

Her eyes narrowed angrily, still rubbing her cheek, but not pretending she was in pain any longer. He may not have been the right choice, after all.

“You know, I heard you're as strong as they get, so I was willing to ignore _some_ flaws, but you're decidedly no good.”

“That's what I'm telling you! So leave me alone, go back to Gotham, Adams family's manor or whatever hole you crept from. I'll give you 300 yen.”

She huffed, still obviously pouting, and she pointed one of her sharp claw-nail at him.

“I told you the coffin thing is a kink some of us had, back in the day, plus it's practical as it protects from sunlight. We're not dead! You're not, for now. Two days, or I'll replace you. Then I'll be back. Either you yield, or you suffer, and die. But I guess you _could_ try and find me. Let's see you try, my dear.”

She made a farewell gesture. Gintoki jumped away as she turned into a bat, and flew away.

“Freaking bitch!” He needed to follow her, but he couldn't let them like this.

As she left, Jimmy was already coming back to his senses. He jumped in front of him, and looked into his eyes, then had him follow to where Hijikata was still smiling at the air in front of him.

Gintoki's hand clenched in a tight fist. He would not yield, but he was _so_ tempting.

He'd never seen him smile like this.

He touched his neck with the tip of his fingers, and shook his head, taking a step away.

It wasn't a true smile. His eyes looked empty.

“The hell are you guys doing out there, anyway... Fucking idiots! Okay, let's see...” He took his chin in his hand, thinking. “So these are not the droids you came for, alright? There's only a mobcop in a drag, here, you didn't see anyone else. Now scram!”

They started walking away from him.

“Damn that could be really handy, maybe I could make people forget I owe them money?”

He'd think about it later.

He ran, hoping to find the woman again. He more or less “smelled her”, she had a distinctive _smell_ , except it wasn't a _smell_ exactly. Something in-between a smell and a feeling she created in him, but it was like all of him could feel her. He had no word to describe it, really. It was foreign, and he hated it.

Last night, he'd lost her but he was getting better with these weird vampiric powers. He'd find her, and maybe, maybe he'd find something to help.

She'd said she could replace him, did that mean making him normal again, or killing him?

Hijikata looked around him with a frown.

Yamazaki was right near him, and he didn't remember getting closer.

“Yamazaki?”

The mobcop turned with a start.

“Eh? You were this close?”

Hijikata opened his mouth to reply, and closed it. He turned around to look a the empty street.

“D-droids.” He said in a low voice, staring at the street with a puzzled expression. “I was looking for droids? But there's just...”

Yamazaki's eyebrows went up.

“Eh! I was thinking the same thing. Just a mobcop in... Maybe we saw an ad for Star Wars, or something.”

Hijikata lit a cigarette. He didn't remember the movies that well. The droids made some kind of beautiful red light? Something warm and... For some reason, he was thinking about Yoshiwara. Something about the red light district, but he couldn't grasp the thought fully. Yet there was nothing that linked this case to Yoshiwara, as far as he knew. Nothing, right?

He looked at his phone. It was a little past four.

He looked around, then at the street again, and his hand rose on the side of his neck.

That idiotic perm head was invading his thoughts way too much. Why was he thinking about him, now? He tried to grab back his train of thoughts.

After four. It wasn't a long street. He'd checked his phone not that long ago. There was no way they'd taken nearly half an hour to get here, since the last time he'd checked it.

But how...

He tied again his cravat, wondering when it had gotten loose.

A few loud voices came from nearby street, some yelling.

They ran, but again, it was just a bunch of drunkards going home after a night out.

The rest of the night was uneventful, and they went back, barely talking, though they agreed something was strange, but if something did happen, and if it had been linked to the guy they were looking for, why were they unharmed?

Shinpachi arrived early as usual, and started preparing rice. He hoped Gin-san really had been paid, the night before, because he'd just opened the last bag of rice, and they didn't last long, with a Yato around. He prepared the table and a bowl for Kagura, before he woke her up, and switched the TV on. They were still talking about the people who'd disappeared recently.

Shinpachi looked at Gintoki's bedroom door with a small frown. He went to knock, and heard nothing.

“Gin-san?”

“I'm sick. A-and maybe contagious. Go to your sister's with Kagura.”

Shinpachi glared disapprovingly at the door. Sadaharu sat near him.

“You've passed the age of faking sickness just to avoid going to school, Gin-san! You didn't show your face yesterday, already!”

He was about to open it, when a livid, pallid Gin-san opened it. He was rubbing his forehead, hiding his eyes.

“Oh, you really do look sick!”

“Told you! Don't stay around, it's probably the flu.”

“Alright. Have you called a doctor?”

“Nah, it's nothing. Just a day or two in bed, I'll be brand new.”

He shooed him away, waving his hand to get more room. He was so thirsty. _Hungry_. He went to the bathroom, and stumbled backwards, as he saw he wasn't reflected in the mirror. Shit. He'd forgotten this.

He moved his head, and his arms, but nothing was reflected but the wall behind him, not even his nightwear. He washed his face, and tried once more to drink a bit of water but immediately gagged, coughing the small sip he'd tried to swallow. It had been even worse, when he'd tried strawberry milk, on the day before. He needed to find a way to become normal again, and fucking soon.

He heard Shinpachi and Kagura yelling they were going.

“Yeah, yeah!” Without thinking, he went to the kitchen. He was so fucking hungry! And the only thing that would not make him sick was human blood, she'd said. He'd been desperate enough to sneak into a butchers shop, on the night before, after he'd followed the woman as far as he could. But the smell of whatever animal's blood it had been had disgusted him too, and he'd left.

He'd lost her but he was pretty sure starting from the same place tonight, he'd find her. He had to.

He saw the rice bag, opened on the kitchen counter, probably left here because Shinpachi wanted him to eat something.

What a laugh.

Yet he felt compelled to take it: It was transparent. He could see rice grains. He took it to the table, and started counting them. He _needed_ to count those. He was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn't hear Shinpachi coming in.

“Gin-san?”

“289, 290, 291...”

“What are you doing?”

“Counting. 295, 296.”

Shinpachi watched him with narrowed eyes.

“Why?”

Gintoki turned his gaze at him.

“I... ah fuck!” He closed his eyes, willing to let go of him. When he saw him moving again, taking care not to meet his eyes, he started counting again.

“No reason. I'll go back to sleep when I'm finished. Didn't you go?”

“I... yeah. I just brought aspirin from Otose-san's, just ...”

“Ah, thanks.”

Shinpachi said goodbye again, and went back to Kagura, who was waiting downstairs with Sadaharu and Tama.

Something was seriously wrong, they were right.

Tama would keep an eye on him, and they'd come back later. He went out late at night, and something was happening, something he didn't want to tell them about. They'd make him talk in the evening, when he'd try to leave, and if nothing came out of it, they'd follow him.

The morning meeting at the barracks had been moved to 5 in the afternoon. That let enough time for everyone to sleep and be ready for another long night shift.

Hijikata worked and trained earlier. He had not found anything interesting on the web, and really nothing linking this case to Yoshiwara.

But finally, two witnesses had come forward with a plausible lead. A woman, very beautiful, with amber eyes, pale white skin, and dark hair had been seen several times. Talking with one of the guys still in a coma, and two of the disappeared people. That wasn't much, especially as some people who were there too had no recollection of her at all, and even the people who saw her said she had her head down most of the time, so they didn't get a proper description.

Still, it was more than what they had before. As little a progress it was, they had to believe it would lead them somewhere.

They had noting else yet.

That felt weirdly familiar, to Hijikata, but he couldn't remember seeing anyone fitting that description, it was just something in the back of his mind. They needed to find her.

He went out to buy cigarettes, and his feet led him to the Kabuki district. He'd postponed it for long enough, he knew the Yorozuya was involved in all this. He just knew it.

“Hijikata-san? Hello!”

Shinpachi smiled, and Kagura glared at him.

“Hey. The idiot's upstairs?”

Kagura crossed her arms.

“What's that to do with you?”

“I need to talk to him.”

“You hired him to do something dangerous, you rotten cop?”

“What? No, why? Where is he?”

“That's what we're trying to know. Tama watched him for us, but Otose called her inside for just a minute, and he gave her the slip. He probably noticed she was watching him.”

Hijikata lifted a brow.

“What are you talking about? Why is he under surveillance?”

Kagura and Shinpachi exchanged a gaze.

“Tama said he was different that usual, and she couldn't track his body heat. And he's... acting weirdly. Out every night, and he barely goes out in the day, and... maybe he really is sick with something.”

Kagura threw him a sideways glance.

“No, he's finally lost it. The pressure of being a main character was too much for Gin-chan. I'll take over!”

“Don't say that Kagura, he's not-”

“You saw him too with the rice! Last night, I thought I was having a weird dream, because we had to ration food, but you saw him!”

Hijikata wasn't following.

“The rice?”

Kagura shook her head.

“Yeah. Poor Gin-chan. He's nuts. He didn't eat anything for days, but he counts rice.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it's... this morning, he said he had the flu. I brought him some aspirin, and I found him...” Shinpachi shrugged helplessly. “Counting rice grains.”

Hijikata felt a chill down his spine, in spite of the warm afternoon sun.

He thoughtfully reached for his cigarettes pack. That was a legend. And wouldn't that mean he was dead? No, he couldn't be.

He put a cigarette between his pursed lips, lighting it, his eyes focused on the Yorozuya sign.

“Too much alcohol finally rot what little brain he had, then.”

Kagura crossed her arms, eyes squinting in suspicion.

“You know something.”

“China, I came here to interrogate him. He knows something.”

“About what?” She asked.

“It's about those people who disappeared, right?”

“What makes you think that?”

“Rotten cop! Stop keeping what you know to yourself! It's our Gin-chan!”

Hijikata blinked and smirked.

“I only have suspicions. I'll come back tomorrow, hopefully with answers.”

Kagura huffed and pointed her umbrella at him.

“Not good enough. We'll find that idiot ourselves, then.”

“Hey now, you know people disappeared lately. Don't go out at night, I'll have you arrested.”

“Ha! Try it, rotten tax-thief.”

Fuck, that asshole was a really bad influence.

He knew even if they agreed, they'd try to find him themselves anyway. No point in wasting his breath. Yet he already knew they'd be too stubborn to agree to be protected, too, and there was now way he was letting anything happen to them, especially if that idiotic perm-head was in a mess he wanted to keep his own. He had to tell them.

He had to, but how the hell was he supposed to say... what exactly? That he suspected Gintoki was a vampire? That... that he'd read about legends about mythical creatures, and... Ah but maybe he didn't have to tell anything.

“It's an amanto thing, China. Your father is hard to reach. You can?”

Both her eyebrows went up, but almost immediately, she started faking disinterest, searching her nose with her index finger.

“That will cost you a lot!”

Brat! It's not just bad, he's a fucking rotten influence! Thought Hijikata.

And it was on top of it all going to be a pain to explain his boss why he'd managed to reach Umibozou while he couldn't. He'd have to use the “father-daughter link” card, and that was never a good idea, with that man. He'd have to listen to his complaining about Kuriko for hours... He heaved a long exasperated sigh.

“Yeah, yeah. Fine. 10 packs of sukonbu, and a bucket of fried chicken.”

She grinned.

“Deal! So don't bother hiding whatever you know.”

“Well no point if you reach him, you'll hear it from him.”

“Let's use the phone upstairs.” Said Shinpachi, heading to the stairs.

“Fried chicken first. The sukonbu can wait, I still have some.”

“Hey, weren't you worried a minute ago?”

“Nope.” She crossed her arms, daring him to argue.

“Right.” He said, thinking again how obvious it was, that she and Gintoki were related, even if it wasn't from birth. “ I needed cigarettes, anyway. Yamazaki!”

After he'd left the barracks, he'd noticed he was being followed. He'd soon realized it was Yamazaki, and that probably meant Kondo-san thought he was overdoing it. He always worried too much.

Yamazaki had indeed been assigned to that task, yet, he was now chatting with Tama, and had probably completely forgotten what he was supposed to be doing.

“You fucking degenerated tadpole!”

Yamazaki guiltily lifted his head.

“Y-yes?”

“Go buy me cigarettes and mayo, 10 packs of sukonbu, and bring fried chicken too. Enough to feed that glutton here, and us. Don't forget the bottle of mayo. No make that two.”

“Ah, ok.”

He presented his hand palm up. Hijikata glared at him.

“You pay for it, it'll compensate for your flirting on the job.”

“Eh? But...” Hijikata took his katana out, only an inch, eyes cold, and Yamazaki was gone.

He followed the kids up the stairs, feeling uncomfortable. The Yorozuya had always been there, every time he came in his place. He didn't like coming here without him around, it felt weird, like he was trespassing or something. He'd never had a problem with that, when he knew he was there.

It got even weirder as they waited for Yamazaki to come back. Shinpachi had offered him tea, brought an ashtray, and they were now staring at each other, the two of them on one couch, while he was on the other one, arms crossed except for when he was holding a cigarette. He only had two left, and finished his pack.

They were quiet, and after a short while, the three of them were looking at the chair, behind the desk. _Something_ was obviously missing, they all felt it.

It felt like a really long time, but it wasn't even 20 minutes, before there was a knock at the door, and Shinpachi greeted in Yamazaki, followed by Sougo and Kondo, the three of them holding fried chicken buckets.

“H-hi, Kondo-san, Okita-san!” Kondo smiled at him.

“We knew Tosshi was following a lead, so we came too.”

Shinpachi let them in.

“Kondo-san?” The commander of the Shinsengumi scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

“Tottsan came by, and he was _not_ in a good mood. I told him you were following a lead and we had to get there too. Sougo thought you would be here, and we met Yamazaki buying all these.”

Hijikata glared at Sougo.

“What did you put in it. Tabasco? Laxatives again?” Sougo smirked while Kagura looked at him with disgust. Wasting such good food.

And she was already stuffing herself...

“I finished my last tabasco bottle earlier, and I wasn't planning for you to have a little dinner party with kids. Cops shouldn't make false accusation like this, shame on you, Hijikata-san!”

“What kids, you bastard!?!”

“Ah you're right, sorry, China. A kid and a piggy.”

Of course, a fight started, but Kondo and Shinpachi tried to calm then down, and since there was food, Kagura agreed to a truce, because she was hungry and it smelled so good. The six buckets were empty soon, Kagura eating the most of it, and no one spit fire nor had to go to urgently to the bathroom, but there were some comments about the gross stuff Hijikata was putting on his food. He defended mayonnaise's honour fiercely.

They were mostly silent, though. Subdued.

And the now 6 of them often glanced at the empty desk. Sadaharu had woken up to eat, too, and he also looked at the empty desk quite often.

Outside, the shadows were getting longer and longer.

As she finished the last piece of chicken, Kagura smiled, rubbing her full, round belly.

“That was good! Next time, bring the chicken and leave, it'll be even better.”

“Kagura-chan! You can't say something like this when they paid for it!”

“That's rent, they've been staying for long enough.”

"You don't even pay yours," noted Sougo. She threw an empty bucket at him, and Hijikata stopped her from beginning a fight again, as Sougo cut the bucket with ease.

“We'll leave as soon as we've got answers, China. Call you father.”

“Ooh! I see! Tottsan will be pissed if we get to talk to him before he does, though!”

“Yeah I know. If he gives us a lead, it'll be worth it, though.”

He pointedly looked at Kagura who sighed and went to the desk, sitting on the chair and crossing her feet on the top of the desk.

Shinpachi and Kondo smiled at her from the couch.

Sougo had a neutral expression, as he got up to lean, hands in his pockets, on the wall.

Hijikata's right leg was tapping impatiently on the floor, as he tried to ignore the feeling in his chest that told him this was Gintoki's doing and that he wanted to see him do it, him here with them, with a smug expression at being the centre of attention.

Him being fine and his usual idiot self.

Who the hell did he think he was, making everyone, making _him_ fucking worry? Freaking perm head.

Kagura grabbed a notebook and made a call. They were silent as she was nodding seriously, at what someone was telling her on the phone.

She hung up, and sat back, crossing her fingers under her nose, her elbows on the table, right after she'd he gotten glasses from a drawer.

“Shinji?”She said solemnly, after a few seconds of silence. She was looking at Shinpachi.

“Huh?”

“What are arrears?”

“Don't call me by another name just to make a serious mood!” He yelled. He then looked embarrassed, and mumbled. “It probably means we didn't pay the bills, that's what they told you?”

She nodded once.

“Yes, son.”

“Stop it with the Gendo impersonation!”

He yelled again, and turned, contrite, to Hijikata, who was already getting his phone out. He gave it to the girl.

“It'll be more practical, anyway. Put it on speaker.”

Kagura nodded.

“Thank you, Misato-san.”

“Who the hell's Misato?! Fucking brat! Make the fucking call!”

Sougo was smirking, and Hijikata didn't have to look at him to see it. He crossed his arms, resting against the wall, behind Kagura, near the window. She typed the number from the notebook, and put on the speaker phone, as they waited for someone to answer. After 3 rings, someone did.

“Who are you and how did you get this number? Only one person has it.”

“Papi!”

“Kagura-chan?”

There were sounds of explosions and... lasers?

“Papi, Gin-chan's being weird! The Mayora said you'd know something.”

Hijikata was glaring at the back of her head. What kind of explanation was that? How the hell was he supposed to understand a thing?

“Ah Kagura, wait a second!” There were sounds of explosions, nearer, and some yells. Then it was somewhat quiet.

“Kagura-chan?”

“Papi? You're busy?”

“Oh, just another war between the planets Amuro and Aznable. People from Aznable always seem to come back for it. But it's fine, your daddy's strong! My hair are even coming back a little, with-”

“Yeah, Papi! So what do you know?”

“About Gintoki-kun?” Hijikata rubbed his eyes with his index finger and his thumb.

“Tell him about his behaviour.”

“Oh yeah, thanks Tosshi”

“Don't call me that!” She made a sign for him to be quiet behind her back, and a vein appeared on his forehead, pulsating.

“Sorry, Misato."

Hijikata crushed the cigarette he'd been about to light, and cast her a steely glare.

“Papi! Gin-chan's counting rice!”

“What? You are that poor? That bastard isn't giving you enough food?”

“Ah no, well yes, but I mean he's weird and gloomy!”

“Ok? He is... depressed?”

“I don't know. Shinji, you're the expert about depression. He is?”

“I'm not depressed! And hey I'm not Shinji! Stop it, Kagura-chan!”

They heard a yell coming from the phone, and even louder.

“I'm talking with my little daughter, do you even know when was the last time she called?! Keep quiet or I'll rip your limbs off one by one!”

That quieted people at the Yorozuya's too.

“U-Umibozou-san, she means he is really weird lately. He gets out only at night, and people around here disappeared. Some were hurt, and their blood was … stolen. Apparently, it's something involving some Amanto.”

“Ah. Gin-san gets out only at night, you say?”

“No he's out now and it's sunny, don't give useless informations, Shinpachi!”

“You've been giving only useless crap since the beginning of this call!”

“That's good. He didn't drink blood yet, then,” ignoring Shinpachi completely.

“W-what?” Asked Shinpachi, his eyes widening.

Hijikata closed his eyes. Even if it was expected, a cold fear seemed to spread in his chest. But he said good. It wasn't too late, then?

“The Shinma planet was plagued by a parasite, a few decades ago, what was it called...” There was a pause before he remembered. “Ah, Chiroptera. You know about it. Those who host it become vampires, people who practice what we hunter call hematophagy. That means they drink blood. See Kagura, we hunters are experts on these fields!”

“Yeah Papi,” she said in a bored tone, one of her fingers up her nose.

“Yes, well, I saw something about their revered leader, Alucard, or something like this on a newspaper, last time I visited earth. You know about them.”

“No no, that was something else. We can't on top of it all steal yet another character! That was definitely not someone from earth! That was Dracula you heard of, right? That's in the public domain, right?” Said Shinpachi, shaking his head, with wide eyes.

“Ah? Maybe. Maybe some came from that planet before the war then. But these are dangerous. Kagura, don't get near them. If... someone has been infected, then... It's too late for him, if he drank blood. Even if he didn't, I-”

“No, NO! Vampires are already dead, in the movies. Gin-san isn't! He was alive this morning. He is sick, he was pale, but, but...” Shinpachi clenched his fists and Kondo put his hand on his shoulder. His eyes were so confident Shinpachi calmed down immediately.

“Yeah, Papi, Gin-chan's fine, he just lost it a bit, don't scare Shinpachi like that!”

The strained atmosphere made Shinpachi start, when Hijikata's two hands hit the table, as he leaned closer to the phone.

“He hasn't, you said, he's been out in the sun. I saw him, he was hiding most of his skin, but he was out. There's something to do if he hasn't?”

Kagura looked at him with hope, though she was still trying to look like she didn't care.

“If he hasn't... maybe. If he can stand the sun, he has not, I suppose. I never crossed them myself, but beware. I've heard they're pretty tough. Their eyes are hypnotic, and they are rumoured to get nearly as strong as the Yato. I know some special glasses can protect from it, my goggles were made against these, too, even though it's rare to cross them.”

“If glasses saves the day, we're doomed,” said Kagura gloomily.

“Hey, don't insult glasses! We'll be fine with them, then? What glasses?”

“Ah, their pretty special, but I could send you some...”

“Too long. Can you get us the specs? We'll have them made.” Hijikata was not going to wait for days, not for one day.

“Yes, you should be able to, with a good engineer. I'll have it sent to this number. Be careful too around bats. That's what vampires are, I've heard. A virus infected bat-like Amanto at first, and they shape-shift. Then anything they share blood with becomes like them if they drink blood from their own species . It will be too late, if he drinks human blood. There will be no...”

“I'll punch that no good old man in the crotch before he does!”

The corner of Hijikata's lips lifted a bit. He would too.

“But how do we get him back to normal?”

“That's... there may be a chance if you find the one who bit him. It is a parasite, but … something like a seed of a foetus, I guess. A son or daughter, then, if they drink blood. That's their reproduction system. The parent may be able to take it back. I heard some people survived it, but never, under no circumstance let him drink blood. A mere drop, and he will merge with the parasite. He won't ever be the same, but I don't know... I'll try to reach hunters who crossed their path. Maybe he could survive it as himself. It's a species that got nearly extinct, and there are many rumours about them, they mostly stopped preying on people after they came close to extinction, so I'm not sure what they choose not to do, and what they can't do.”

They heard the sound of some kind of machine-gun, before he started again, his voice calm like he wasn't in the middle of a war.

“Your best hope is to ensure he won't drink any blood, and to find the one who bit him. But be quick about it. The longer he is in that state, the harder it will be to ignore the hunger, like it would be for any hunger. Killing the one who turned him may work, too. I heard it only once from two alien-hunter brothers, but they tend to be the type to kill first, ask questions later... If it doesn't cure him, though, you'll have lost your only chance. Still, if you have to kill one, a wooden stake in the heart will do the job. They regenerate from other wounds quickly.” After another short pause, he added: “Of course, decapitation works in most situations, too. They're not much of a threat, to us Yato, as long as we're protected from their eyes.”

The Yorozuya's place was silent, except for the muffled sound of a battle, from the phone.

“What about the people in the coma? It's their doing too?” Asked Kondo, loudly to be heard even though he wasn't near the phone.

“Coma? From what I heard, they don't bite to feed, not anymore. They do drink blood, but extract it, usually from wrists, or drink in their animal form, so don't need all that much, and usually don't kill so that they won't get hunted. They bite people in the neck and share their blood only to... well it's the way they reproduce. That's something highly...” He cleared his throat. “Involving love, and only when people are old enough, and married to someone approved by their par-”

“I got it, Papi. ”

“Oh. I mean any strong and pure feelings before he was in that state will be more difficult to resist, they usually prey on their families first, as it's easier to get close to them. A strong willed person could resist their eyes a bit, but someone close will instinctively keep trusting them, and let their minds be taken over. People close to him should stay away.”

Hijikata frowned at the phone, not really interested in Amanto's reproduction system. Avoid the eyes or have the protection glasses, and it was fine, was his conclusion.

“So why aren't these people waking up?”

“It's a parasite. It is still lingering in them, as the one who bit them has not found a good host, would be my guess. If he or she does, it may leave them again. They are some sort of plan B. They were hosts rejected, most probably. Even if you manage to get the vampire to cure him, there's a chance you'll have to pick. Him or one of those people.”

They digested the information for a few seconds. If the idiot knew that, thought Hijikata, there was no way he'd... They had to find a way to save them all.

“Papi, we'll take care of Gin-chan! Stop the gundam idiots!”

“Kagura... I'll reach out to other hunters, I never really cared about their weaknesses, as long as their gaze don't affect me, they're not that impressive, but it may help you if you're trying not to kill one. And I'll come back right after I'm finished here to show you my new haircut!”

“What new haircut, baldy?”

“I'll show you they're growing back. Never lose hope even when it seems there is none!”

“Okay, Papi, bye!”

She smiled, and hung up.

Hijikata straightened up, and lit a cigarette he fucking needed. He even thought about lighting two at once.

What if he already had drunk blood? What if he was doing it right now?

“See? I told you, Hijikata-san. It was a vampire!”

“He didn't say a thing about garlic!” Sougo probably intended to piss him off, right? But just like that, he was far less tense.

“Maybe not, but he didn't say he'd tried it, he didn't care about their weaknesses. You should wear your collar, for you own protection, of course!”

“Shut up you bastard! Wear the damn thing yourself!”

Kagura rose from the seat.

“Vampires, huh? I see. He's not batshit crazy after all. He's just bat shit.”

“Kagura-chan, now's not the time to joke!”

A dark aura surrounded Kagura, as she glared at him.

“You think? That useless drunkard. He was bitten how, Pattsuan?”

Shinpachi opened his mouth, and closed it.

“Anyway, we have to find him,” he replied, eventually, avoiding the issue entirely.

Hijikata grabbed his phone, and nodded.

“You'll go with Yamazaki, and take my phone.”

“Ah! I thought you all had forgotten I was here!”

They all stayed still for a second, then remembered he indeed had been here as a delivery robot. Well at least, he didn't have to fetch him, then.

Hijikata kept talking to Shinpachi, and Yamazaki complained, though everyone ignored him.

“As soon as you have the specs for those glasses, have them made.”

Kondo nodded, with that commanding air he sometimes had.

“It's part of an investigation, have them made no matter the cost.”

Shinpachi felt strangely confident just by being near Kondo, who didn't seem to doubt they'd find a solution, but he was intensely relieved to hear that.

“But Gin-san's out there, and...”

“We'll find him.” Hijikata had no doubt about it. There couldn't be any doubt about it, he wouldn't allow it. “We'll find him, and bring him to the barracks. Here is even more crowded. It will probably easier with less people around.”

“I'll ask Tama to keep watch here. Can I give her your number?”

Hijikata nodded. If she called them, Zaki would notify him by radio.

“But you know who bit him?” asked Kagura.

“We have a description. Danna will need to confirm it,” replied Sougo.

“I'll come with you. We don't need that many people to help old Gengai.”

“You're too close to him, and it will be harder for him, Umibozou-san said so. Go make the glasses, we'll bring him to the barracks,” replied Kondo, still sitting quietly on the couch, his arms crossed. He usually was a useless gorilla, but as she looked at him, when he replied, Kagura didn't see any doubt, not the slightest hint of a lie. He was confident they would, and for whatever reason, she believed it.

It _was_ that idiotic stalker gorilla, but she believed him. Maybe because she really wanted to.

“I'll rip all of your limbs one by one, if you don't,” she said, trying to be as impressive as her Papi.

They all had several types of smiles, but they were all smiling as they left.

And she did too, as left with the mobcop, Shinpachi and Sadaharu.

It wouldn't be long before the shadows cast by sunlight were replaced by those made by the city lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
> To nonsense and beyond!!  
> Have a great day/night/whatever!


	3. You can stir blood all you want, but beware if you spill it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunger & Glasses

It was easier, setting patrols to find one man, and Hijikata relied on his radio, since he didn't have his phone. Night fell quickly after they left the Yorozuya's and it would have been _wise_ to wait to have the glasses, but they couldn't afford to. Perhaps they would be hard to make. Maybe they wouldn't be ready for days.

What if Gintoki fed tonight?

If he had not yet, he probably was trying not too, but how hard was it? Maybe he was already at his limit. Hijikata didn't want to believe it was already too late. He refused to.

Wandering in dark streets at night, he felt strangely calm. He liked walking at night, as he didn't care for crowded areas, and the late spring made it really agreeable.

One of his men reported seeing someone fitting the Yorozuya's description, and he didn't think twice about it, he went that way. That made him leave the Kabuki district, but he walked on. Most of the patrols were there, as the disappearances occurred _in_ the district, but that didn't mean the culprit was always there too.

He found himself, alone, in the embassies district. He had not wanted to replace Zaki. He didn't feel it was needed, anyway. Either he found him and managed to approach, or he failed, simple as that. Yamazaki or anyone being here wouldn't have changed a thing, potentially only added a victim.

This district was way richer than Kabuki, with many enormous dwellings, but still some shops and narrow streets in-between. Many long and high walls encircled estates, masking whatever high society hid to the common people. While it was a good protection, it also meant many dark streets ran between those kind of walls. However, there were video-surveillance cameras at every corner, and most of these places were guarded, sometimes heavily, so it still was a really quiet area. Especially at night.

He heard someone mumble, from one of those narrow streets, and head on one side, headed that way. His hand was lingering on top of his katana.

After several steps, he frowned. He didn't hear any sound anymore. No sound, but no fleeing footsteps either, yet, he couldn't see anyone.

No rather, all the street had quieted down.

He didn't feel anything or anyone around, only eyes on him, but he couldn't pinpoint from where. 

Suddenly, he was roughly pushed against the wall. Gintoki held him there, one hand pressing his chest against the wall. Their eyes met for less than a second, before Gintoki shifted his gaze away. Hijikata felt, for just a second, the softest caress on his mind, and it was gone, leaving him empty and cold, before those feelings and even their memory disappeared completely.

“Stop following me!”

“I didn't know where you were, you idiot! Hard to follow someone like this.”

Gintoki glared, but at the wall near him, avoiding to cross his eyes.

“Shut up! Stop it, I mean it! Go back home, and leave me alone!”

Hijikata glared too, and pushed his hand away, taking a step forward.

“You shut up! Glasses and China are scared, they planned on looking for you themselves, with whatever did this to you still around. Come back with me, we'll sort this out!”

Gintoki faltered. But they weren't here. They'd be fine as long as he didn't get close to them, as long as he got rid of the problem on his own. He shook his head and took a step back, turning his back to him, holding his head.

“D-don't stand... Don't stand so... don't stand so close to me!”

Hijikata crossed his arms on his chest.

“That's your way out? Quoting Police to the police? That's lame, even for you!”

He didn't expect it, as a hand grabbed his neck, pushing him against the wall again, his cravat already untied. He tried to push him away, but Gintoki was way stronger than him. Way stronger than he usually was.

And his hand was cold. So cold.

“Do you have any idea...” started Gintoki, his voice husky with desire.

“Yo-Yorozuya...D-don't! You can't drink blood, it'll...” He couldn't make it through the end, didn't even know anymore what he wanted to say. 

Gintoki's head lingered near his ear, and it took all his strength not to dive in and rip his neck apart to feed at last. He wanted him, all of him. He let his nose brush against Hijikata's neck, biting his lip. He wanted to bite in that neck so much, he wanted that and so much _more_ , but doing it would prevent him from feeling any of it at all.

He knew that.

Everything would be over, if he did. He would just be a disgusting creature feeding. But just a taste. His skin smelled _so_ good. The blood he felt flowing under it had to be delicious.

Hijikata closed his eyes firmly. He wanted him. He wanted him so bad, but it, this _wasn't_ him.

And worse, that wannabe vampire was drawn to his blood, not to _him_.

Gintoki swallowed hardly, his forehead on Hijikata's neck, then he indulged in his desire to let his tongue travel there, and then straightened away from him, wide eyed.

“H-hey, Hijikata-kuuun, your... blood is all rushing kinda... down there.”

“I-S-sh-shut up! Wha-what the fuck are you doing?!”

His face was crimson, and Gintoki smirked.

“You didn't want... oh, okay, so now, some of your blood's gone back up, but... Huh.” He took a step back, letting this new sense he couldn't tone down show him the flow of his blood, as he licked his lips. His smirk let a sharp fang appear. “This turns you on.”

“I-no... No! Shut it! You need to stop this, we need to stop this! You can't drink blood! Come with me, and-”

“Oh I _do want_ to come with you!”

Hijikata pushed himself back against the wall even more. If he could have disappeared in it, he would have.

“D-don't...”

“You're not here to see me?”

“I - I came to bring you back before you-”

“You didn't come _yet._ I can feel you want to.”

He got closer, all the way against Hijikata, feeling the heat of his body. Gintoki had been so cold. He had not realised how much, till he felt how very warm Hijikata was. He started caressing his neck with his lips, and licking it.

“S-stop! You fucking perverted moron, stop it!” Gathering his wits and all his will, Hijikata grabbed his clothes, clenching his fist on the folds of his yukata, then tried to push him away, but he didn't manage to move him at all. He tried to reach his pocket, while he pushed his head away with his other hand, but Gintoki was against it, that freaking moron.

Gintoki straightened up, with a slightly annoyed expression.

“Yorozuya, you've been infected by...”

“A vampire bitch, I know. I'll take care of it.”

“How?”

“I'll find her and... improvise.”

“You idiot! You didn't drink any blood, did you?”

Gintoki's eyes were focused on Hijikata's neck, but he glanced several times, with what only looked like hunger, down between themselves. Hot blood was flowing there too.

“No, I... Shit I want yours so much!”

Hijikata moaned as Gintoki licked his neck again, and he even moved his head, despite all sense, to give him more room. He felt teeth grazing his neck, and his dick throbbing in his pants. He wanted to be bit or whatever Gintoki wanted, anything. But he wanted _him_. Not that thing that was controlling him, and that made him resist the weird desire he had to fucking grab his head to force him to bit his neck.

“Y-you can't! If you do, you'll never be yourself again!”

Gintoki shut his eyes, resting his forehead against that pulsating neck that drove him crazy.

“I know! I'm so fucking hungry, and you smell and taste so damn good, you rotten bastard!”

Hijikata blushed to his ears, and Gintoki jerked away as quickly as if he'd been burnt. He'd been about to bite him. Nearly lost control. Shit, he had to go and fucking soon!

“Fuck, stop it! Don't blush, you freaking idiot! I can feel it! S-stop that!”

Hijikata took several deep breathes to calm down, eyes closed. To manage his blushing _and_ his erection. But he couldn't exactly just will them away.

He finally opened his eyes, and saw Gintoki, with his clenched fists pressed against his head, randomly hitting it, while he was crouching.

He took another deep breath.

“As long as you don't drink human blood, there's a chance we'll cure you.”

Gintoki stilled.

“R-Really?” He'd tried to keep hope, that finding the bitch would give him a chance, but hearing it from someone else made it easier to believe. 

“Umibozou said we need to catch the one who bit you. He'll, well she, you said, will be able to make you go back to normal.”

Gintoki turned his head towards him, looking up at his chest, to be sure he wouldn't meet his eyes.

“I'm so fucking hungry, Hijikata. And so cold! Don't come near me! I can't... You're...”

“Then follow me. We need to make sure you won't drink human blood. Tell me all you know, and we'll find her.”

“No! I can't even look into your eyes, asshole! I can't control it, people give up their minds when they look into my eyes. It'd be easier to kill me!”

“You don't want to die, you idiot! We have something to deal with the eye thing.”

“I was about to bite your neck a minute ago!”

“But you didn't!”

“ _Bloody_ idiot, go away!”

Hijikata had been worried, and though he'd never really admit it, a bit scared. But at that, his pride made him glare coldly.

The way he said it was desperate. He didn't trust them at all.

Though he _did_ get _a_ _bit_ carried away, and the plan had relied maybe a little too much on one thing. The trust _he_ had in the Yorozuya.

“Fuck you,” he said, coldly.

“That's wishful thinking? Idiotic bastard! Didn't you wander around here alone to kill a vampire?”

“Maybe that other one, _if_ she refuses to cure you. I came here to bring you back to the barracks, I've said so. I didn't come with a wooden stake to go through your heart, asshole, you're the one with a bokuto.”

Gintoki smirked, eyeing his crotch.

“I have something hard as wood right here, just like you do! It's not going to go be inserted in a heart, I have something quite different in mind! I'm really not interested in dying _nor_ killing, right now, and you either, that much is obvious, yeah!”

“A wood to-” Hijikata's jaw went down as he understood. He blushed. “Y-y-you... shut up! Go to Yoshiwara when we've cured you, fucking idiotic perm head!”

He was mad, really mad, and for some reason a bit hurt even if he knew that asshole didn't owe anything to him. He was free to do whatever he wanted, yet it fucking pissed him, the mere idea of that guy going to hire ladies...

That was what he'd want to do, if he wasn't controlled by that parasite. He'd never acted that way before, with him, never hinted a thing.

Hijikata would know. He'd looked for the smallest hints that would give him hope in anything and everything he said or did.

Gintoki observed him, from under his hair, still crouching a few feet away from him. He looked so beautiful. So good. So _tasty_.

He shook his head, pressing his hand on his thigh. Whenever he blushed he felt blood rushing up, and he wasn't sure he'd resist it for much longer.

“I'll find her. I'll be fine. Go back to... Whatever you were doing.”

“I was investigating this case, you moron. And I won't let you leave like this. Come with me, and tell me about that vampire.”

“Dammit, you handsome guys just can't take no for an answer! I can't, alright? ”

“What? 'The hell do you mean?” It's the parasite talking, he told himself. Just think about bringing him back!

Gintoki looked away embarrassedly, and took a step back.

“I want ... I'll drink your blood if we're together for too long. I'm not on you already only because I made myself focus on something else, okay?”

Hijikata winced, his lower lip trembling, when he saw his bloodied thigh, his skin was matted with blood, under his ripped black pants. The nails of his right hand were black, and looked sharp as knives. They were dripping with blood, but already receding back to something human-like.

He felt his heart tighten, and the last thing he wanted to to was to let that idiot keep it all to himself. No matter how hard it was on him, they'd find a cure. He'd keep resisting and they'd find a cure.

“You're fucking annoying. I'll take you to the HQ even if it costs me my life. We considered the person who bit you wouldn't want you to try and fight her anyway. Or she may come to get you, and we'll nail her. But if you've given up, then try to kill me now.”

Gintoki raised his head. He crossed his eyes, but looked away immediately, and Hijikata, again, felt weird for a second, drawn to him, even more. He took a step forward but his resolve was strong enough, as it didn't last even a second, and he didn't get lost in him. Still he found himself drawn, unable to even consider leaving his side.

“I didn't find her anyway. You won't either.”

“Try us.” But whether he intended to place his trust in them or not, Hijikata wasn't going to give him a choice. He didn't think that really would stop him, as he was as stubborn as one could get, but thanks to that stubbornness, he'd resist to give in to hunger. He'd manage to resist, he trusted he would.

The only problem was, would he use the same stubbornness against help? He was, after all, that much of an idiot.

Gintoki concentrated, listening to something, and he smirked, preparing to leave. Then Hijikata heard too the sound and siren of a police car at the end of the street, where it stopped, and he used the distraction to cuff Gintoki's wrist, looking at the ground not to meet his eyes.

“Eh? That again?”

“Damn right!” said Hijikata, cuffing his own wrist, while his hand closed on the small bag in his pocket.

“I'm telling you to keep away from me, how much of a masochist are you? And I didn't do a thing, you can't arrest me! ”

“That looked like sexual harassment, from where I was, Danna,” said Sougo's voice from the radio in Hijikata's pocket.

The vice commander immediately turned red as a beetroot.

“W-what! Where the hell are you? How long have you been around?!”

“Long enough, Hijikata-san.” Even with the way his voice was changed, on the radio, Hijikata could hear his mocking smile.

Gintoki was pulling at his arm to get rid of the cuff, eyes riveted to Hijikata's neck.

“Stop fucking doing this, you asshole! I _can't_ ignore it! I can feel your blood flow, it's incredibly unsettling when you blush, and even more when you-” He'd punched his wound to stay still and not just have a feast of Hijikata, like he wanted to.

“S-shut the fuck up! Let's go _now_!” He didn't want Sougo to hear that and he really, really hoped he had not been there from the start.

But Gintoki pulled strongly on the cuff circling his wrist, and broke it as easily as if he'd been separating chopsticks. Ah. He should have tried that from the start, but he had not realised it would be that easy. Like he'd taken one or two vampire levels. On the first day, his strength didn't feel any different. He was progressing, or maybe, turning more and more into something other than human. The thought scared him, but right now... it meant he could try that other thing again. He was positive he'd make it, this time.

Sougo was approaching, on foot, as the street was too narrow for a car, and he tsked. Of course, cuffs weren't enough.

Hijikata's shoulders sagged, and uncaring about the eye thing, he raised his head towards him. He'd completely forgotten about his other mean to make him stay.

“Come with us.” He hated how he didn't manage to keep a completely steady voice.

Gintoki was looking at his hand too, contracting his already healing thigh to feel some pain. That helped a bit as he tried ignoring the call of his blood.

He smiled sadly, head low, most of his face hidden by his hair.

He didn't trust himself to resist it. He couldn't, wouldn't take the chance.

“Bye.”

That smile shook Hijikata to the core.

“Gin-”

He blinked, and Gintoki had disappeared.

He looked around, and even called the Yorozuya, but didn't see anything at all.

He felt Sougo coming closer, and was about to ask him if he saw where he went, when he noticed his gaze focused on the ground, brows up.

He followed his gaze, and a small, stupid looking, silver bat was moving and flapping its little wings at his feet. He looked at it, brows furrowed, and crouched, as he noticed the thing had red eyes, and its little fur was weirdly wavy. Some kind of albino bat, but... it's little thigh was bleeding.

“Y-Yorozuya?”

Sougo burst out laughing.

“I think that was Danna's grand exit. Can you believe he was trying to look cool and turned into _that_!”

The bat looked irritated and flapped its wings like mad.

Hijikata lifted it in front of his eyes, with two fingers, carefully. The thing was about the size of one his hands.

It looked like it was pouting, with dead fish eyes that couldn't be anyone else's.

“Well lets bring _that_ to the barracks.”

Hijikata nodded, and rose. The bat tried to flee, and startled, Hijikata dropped it. It flapped it's wings for a second, before panicking, and glided to grip Hijikata's sleeve, climbing up a little up to rest on his right biceps, huffing. Hijikata cupped his hand under it, in case it fell again.

Sougo, seeing it, smirked.

“Should we put it in a bag, or something, in case it tries to flee again? Some rat cage?”

Gintoki gripped the arm harder. What the fuck! That was supposed to be a _cool_ way out! He didn't really know exactly how this worked, but if he could turn into a bat, he didn't have to learn to fly, for fuck's sake! He should know already! And damn, he wanted to turn back into a human now, but he didn't know _how_! He tried concentrating again, but nothing.

He shook his head furiously as he heard the sadist! No, no bag! He was fine, right where he was! He'd be good and wouldn't try to get away! He'd give them 300 yen!

“You looked into its eyes, though, it's harmless, it seems.”

“Ah, you're right. It... _He's_ not trying to flee, why the hell is he staying like this? But if he stays like this, he won't be able to talk, fucking uncooperative asshole. Damn, his thigh's still bloody, but the wound is closed already, he's regenerating even faster that a Yato. Yorozuya, why do you stay like this?”

Yeah, why the hell? Agreed Gintoki. At least it was easier to resist the desire to feed, like this. He still was hungry, but he didn't feel the blood flowing like he did in his human form. He felt it, just not as strongly, he didn't feel the same need to touch Hijikata, to see his neck, all in all, it was like merely feeling really peckish.

“Look's like it wants to be your pet. Maybe that parasite turned it to an M.”

Gintoki turned his little head and tried to spit at him. It wasn't as impressive as he pictured it, and only caused Sougo to chuckle. And was he going to stop saying it, it, it at last?!

“Ah maybe not, you're angry Danna-bat? It's hard to tell, you're so ridiculously small. You are, right? So you do understand what we're saying.” He was clearly enjoying this.

Hijikata was looking at the little thing on his arm, trying to repress a smile. He was cute with its messy fur, looking all angry in such an unimpressive way. He had not to let it show, though,especially not with Sougo around.

“Oi, try to drink blood in that shape, and you'll end up crushed under my boot, got it?”

The bat looked angry but shook it's little head, stopped and looked at him stupidly, and nodded several times instead. The demonic vice-commander found it really hard not to smile.

They got into the car, and Hijikata took the radio.

“We've got the Yorozuya, on our way to the barracks. Stay on high alert during patrol, we've confirmed it's a woman we're looking for, she's still around. If you see someone fitting the rough description we've got, try to follow, but wait for back up.”

Several replies in agreement came from the speaker.

He crossed his arms, glancing at the bat, careful not to startle it.

But Gintoki was still concentrating on getting back in his real shape. How had he turned into a bat really? He'd only thought, wanted it, so why wasn't it the same? Damn, was it like some special attack, with a cool down or something? 

The car ride was quiet, for a few minutes.

“Hijikata-san...”

Hijikata lit a cigarette.

“What?”

“I thought so earlier, but you shouldn't be around him either.”

That earned him a surprised glance, while the little silver bat used glare on him. It wasn't very effective...

“What are you on about? I found him, didn't I?”

“If he's capable of turning himself into this, even though it looks like he can't fully control it, isn't it more that _he_ found you?”

Hijikata looked at the streets light they were passing by. Gintoki didn't have to come to him in that street. He'd known he was around, but he could have walked those streets for hours without finding him.

“Your point?”

Sougo smirked.

“I was wondering if you really got what China's father was saying.” He spared a glance at the bat, as they were waiting at a red light, and saw it showing its little teeth, still glaring at him. But he focused Hijikata's attention on something else, after a thought. If that idiot really didn't realize it, it was all the more fun to him.

“Ah anyway, do you think he's potty trained, like this?”

Hijikata cast a worried look at the thing agitated on his arm.

“I'll fucking kill him, if he isn't.”

The bat stayed still.

Of course, I'm... Assholes! Gintoki thought. I am, right? I have never learned to fly, but that doesn't mean I forgot something like this, right? Right?!

He was gloomy for the rest of the ride, and ignored them. Maybe he should go piss again at that spot where he'd turned into a cat. If he changed form, maybe it'd give him his body back?

They had not even reached the gates, when Kagura stopped in front of the car, pointing her umbrella at Sougo. She'd start with him.

“You said you'd bring him here, you put him in the trunk, yes?” she yelled, with a threatening smirk, her foot on the front of the car.

Hijikata was about to reply but Sougo was faster, bending his head out.

“Oh! A piggy now. With Danna and Kondo-san, we could start an animal farm, Hijikata-san!”

“You piece of shit!” He just took the time to cut the engine, and Kagura didn't care about understanding what he meant. They started fighting, as Kondo and Shinpachi arrived.

Shinpachi worriedly looked at Hijikata, who blew a large cloud of smoke, and got out of the car.

“He... He isn't in the trunk, right? You didn't find him?”

“Ah about that...” he replied, brows furrowed as he tried to find the best way to say it. Nope, he had nothing. He shrugged and pointed at his right arm with a blank expression.

Shinpachi looked at it, then again at Hijikata's face. Then again at is arm.

“You mean it's... G-Gin-san? It's Gin-san, this...”

Kagura parried a blow on the roof of the car, and stopped, to follow Shinpachi's gaze.

Sougo didn't use that opportunity, as her eyes widened.

“Gin-chan?”

She jumped down to Hijikata and pushed the silver bat with a finger.

Gintoki turned a jaded gaze at her. Red eyes similar to Gin-chan's were looking at her with an expression she'd seen so many times, she couldn't mistake it.

“It's him! It's really him!”

“Yeah, he turned into that trying to flee.”

Kagura took it carefully, looking at him with awe.

“He's so tiny!”

Shinpachi bent to look at him closely.

“But... how... why is he like this?”

Sougo put his katana back in its sheathe.

“He probably can't control it very well. He seemed rather bothered, back there. Or wanting to bother someone's back there.”

“Wanting to _annoy_ some people back there in that street, yeah! He's always been annoying!” grumbled Hijikata trying not to blush.

“Anyway, he's-”

Kagura was smiling at the bat.

“He's so fluffy and cute, can we keep him like that?”

Absolutely not! Tried to yell Gintoki. But he only let out a little screech that made Kagura laugh. She presented him, holding him in both her hands making a cup, to Sadaharu, and Gintoki stared wildly at that gigantic mouth, flapping his wings to get away and screeching all the more.

“Look, Sadaharu, it's Bat-chan!”

Hey don't call me bat-chan, and fuck, he's huge and bites my head when I bigger than him, don't let him near me, you stupid girl! Thought Gintoki, his bat form making little noises again.

“Ah Sadaharu, no! He's not food! Hey! Catch, Shinpachi!” She threw him his way as she grabbed Sadaharu's collar, berating him as he'd been about to eat Gin-chan.

“You'll get sick if you eat something dirty like this, Sadaharu!”

That's your fucking problem here? Asked Gintoki, but it was again a small noise, that was heard.

Shinpachi was so surprised he made him bounce once before throwing him towards Hijikata who was being given back his phone by Yamazaki, a few feet away from them. With his enhanced reflexes as a mobcop, Yamazaki saw something whitish thrown his way, and he automatically raised his arm, elbowing Hijikata hard on the nose, as he got out his badminton racquet to smash.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Thought Gintaka seeing it a second before it hit him willing himself one more time to take back his human shape, to stop it with his fist and punch that idiot, and it didn't even take a second before he was holding the racket up, in his human hand at last.

“Ah! D-Danna! Sorry! But at least I didn't hit, right? And it made you transform back, right!?”

Gintoki punched him and he flew away. Kagura and Shinpachi started running towards him, all smiles.

But Gintoki turned his head to his right, where Hijikata was sitting up, several feet away, and wiping the blood coming out from his reddened nose with his thumb. He tried to resist, he really did, but it smelled so good, and he was so hungry.

So very hungry.

He took a step, his pupils small and focused sorely on Hijikata, who, meeting his eyes, slowly cocked his head, leaving his neck accessible.

The vice-commander smiled serenely.

Everything was going to be fine, those beautiful, intense red eyes were telling him so.

Kagura recognised that kind of bloodlust even without seeing his face.

During that second they gazed at each other, she knew he wasn't going to stop. She ran faster, with all her might. If she'd had the slightest hesitation, it would have been too late, but she didn't hesitate at all. She didn't even think, she simply reacted. Gintoki had already crossed half the short distance that separated him from his meal, before a full second had passed, but she grabbed him by the waist, and pulled all she could.

He didn't move, but didn't manage to advance again, still only focused on Hijikata.

“Shinpachi! Gin-chan, get a grip!”

They were already moving too, all except for Hijikata, who didn't understand why that beautiful red light wasn't engulfing him completely as he wanted it to.

Sougo pulled the mask he'd taken with him from the start on Gintoki's head, while Kondo was running towards Hijikata to put the glasses on his nose. Shinpachi put his, the ones they'd prepared for Gintoki on him, and finally Sadaharu's, tying them, before he went to help. Sougo took Gintoki's arm, and exchanging a brief gaze with Kagura, pulled with her till they managed to move him several steps away from Hijikata.

“Wipe that, Tosshi! Get in and change clothes to, the smell of blood isn't good for him.”

Hijikata was slow getting out of his daze. Even now the glasses were protecting him, some part of his mind still wanted to look into those eyes and bathe in their light.

“Hijikata-san, don't act like some submissive bitch, it's embarrassing for a vice-commander. You should be demoted.”

That effectively took him out of it. Leave it to Sougo.

“I was hypnotized, shut up, you bastard! It's not like I had any control over it,” he spat, giving him a dirty look, already walking away. He glanced at Gintoki, and felt a chill, seeing the way he was looking at him.

Gintoki struggled even more strongly, Sougo and Kagura prevented him from taking another step, grunting in effort.

“Mayora, go away!”

“Hijikata-san, it's fine if you never come back!”

Hijikata walked away, quickly, muttering, and as he got near Yamazaki, who was only getting up, he punched him. That was all _his_ fault! Why did he have to elbow him in the face? Why the racket at all?

It took several long minutes, before Gintoki's mind was his own again, and his whole body sagged.

“I... Shit. I'm so hungry.” His voice was a bit muted by the mask he had on.

“That's because you never work and we have only rice and eggs, Gin-chan.”

Gintoki tensed, feeling blood around, but he didn't want _theirs_. He wanted Hijikata's. He looked as delicious as a parfait. Other peoples blood would nourish him, he could feel it, but that wasn't what he wanted, and he knew, he fucking knew it wasn't really what _he_ wanted.

He wanted strawberry milk, was that too much to ask? He took several deep breaths, concentrating on keeping the hunger at bay. It seemed easier, somehow. Maybe because Hijikata was out of sight.

“It's fine, I've got it... somewhat,” he said, eventually.

Sadaharu growled, but now he had glasses on, the threat wasn't quite as efficient, and he sat in front of Gintoki with a small bark. Gintoki didn't move, as he was observed by the dog, who had big heart shaped red and blue glasses. On a human, it would had been way oversized, so it was just fitting him, held by a small red ribbon so it didn't move too much.

Sadaharu barked again, and Kagura let him go, and Gintoki immediately pulled on the string to untie the knot holding Sadaharu's glasses, while she put her glasses on.

Violet glasses, with silver arms, they were topped with a silver crown and fake jewels, with pink colored lenses. Seeing Kagura let go, Sougo did too, and put his own. It was in fact encircling his head, as his “glasses” were two dragon ball scooters, one red and the green one upside down. Gintoki raised a hand to his face.

“Oi, what's that? It's Hannibal Lecter's mask? I'm not a cannibal, hey!”

“You want to drink blood, that's about the same!” Sougo replied smugly.

“No! I can't wear that, I have to speak loudly just to be heard! That's not practical at all. It's distorting Gin-san's lovely voice!”

“Too bad, Bat-chan. Next time, don't go crazy just because someone's bleeding! Besides people are reading this,” shrugged Kagura.

“But why the hell is...”

He tried to take it off, but he could barely touch it.

“Hey, what the hell is that thing?!”

“We had to find you first, but we didn't really come unprepared, Danna-bat. Don't underestimate us.”

Gintoki turned to look at him. He made a funny sight, with those glasses. What the hell was he wearing, then? He saw through grey lenses, but...

He was surprised he could take the glasses off, and looked at them. Veins appeared on the side of his cheek, just above the mask.

“Oi, I'm starting to see a pattern, here. First it was the shit shaped katana, now this?”

“It's ice cream, G-Bat-chan! I thought you'd like it!”

He gazed at her suspiciously, and it was clear she definitely thought too it was shit shaped. Her unabashed smug grin told it all.

“That's clearly a golden shit on a pine cone! The colour makes it even worse!”

“Who would shit on a pine cone, Dan-bat-san? That's an ice cream,” Sougo assured Gintoki.

He absolutely thought it was shit shaped too!

“You assholes!”

“Calm down, and just wear them, G-Bat-san!”

“Oi, and you all stop it now, with the bat-san!”

“Sorry Batman's already taken and you're not badass enough, Bat-san.”

“I'm definitely more badass than him! Way more, Shinpachi!”

He turned to him and his eyelids dropped with weariness.

“Oi, Pattsuan. What the hell anyway? It's obvious you're a cherry-boy, you didn't have to make it that flashy!”

He wore cherry shaped glasses, red with even a green leaf.

“I didn't want _those_! I didn't choose them.”

“Damn right, Cherry boy! They chose you!” replied Kagura, matter-of-factly.

“No they didn't! You're still too young to be calling anyone a cherry-boy, Kagura-chan! When Gengai-san asked us to buy glasses while he was preparing the filters, we even passed in front of my home! I had several spares of my usual glasses, and you broke them all!”

Kagura's index finger was searching for something in her nose. She found it and rubbed it on Gintoki's sleeve.

“It was an accident.”

“No it wasn't! You even asked me where I put the other pairs, and you shot the drawer after I told you!”

“It looked threatening,” she shrugged. “And confusing. I wasn't sure which one was the real Shinpachi.”

Sadaharu agreed with a bark.

“So you freaking destroyed them all!?”

“Pattsuan, she's right. If there's a bunch of Shinpachis somewhere, they could try and steal your part, you know! You should thank her,” he said, patting Kagura's head. Her eyes seemed to say “See?” to Shinpachi.

“You assholes! I'm not my glasses, that joke has been overused already, it's not funny anymore!” He took a breath after all that yelling, and added: “I mean it wasn't from the start!”

But Gintoki was complimenting Kagura on her glasses, because they were fitting, for a bitch-queen, as he was still angry about that bat-san nick-name she started, and Kagura was telling him about how Sadaharu's were cute, because she couldn't say anything nice about Gintoki's. They really were shit-shaped.

In short, they were totally ignoring him.

Yamazaki walked their way, clean of any blood, at least Gintoki didn't smell any, but maybe that was because he was at least part robot. His face was completely hidden by the large visor he wore, anyway, sparkling with rainbow colours in the night lights of the Shinsengumi's HQ. Gintoki only recognised him to his Jimmy demeanour. Kondo followed him. He wore sparkling, golden round glasses, with two balls hanging from the arms. Golden balls.

“What the hell is that?”

“Ah, I don't really like disco music either, but... I kinda like those balls. They remind me of something...”

“Of something that shouldn't be shown to the public clearly! Do I see hair on those? How did you manage that?”

“Eh? No, there's none!”

He rubbed the balls and it was clear they'd had some kind of stuff that looked like hair on.

“Kondo-san!! You can't do that on prime time!”

“Pattsuan, we're not on prime time, its a fanfic, people read this shit like this at all kinds of hours, but they chose it,” said Gintoki confidently.

“Still, it's gross!”

“It's not gross! It's disco! It's _kitsch_!” replied Kondo, with an air of authority, his balls dangling as he nodded.

Gintoki ignored them. He felt something in his mind, something that made him feel good. Something that made him hungry.

He turned his head before he saw Hijikata walking back to them, his nose a bit red still, but without any blood around it. He was wearing his usual day off yukata, and even greyed by the glasses Gintoki wore, he looked good enough to eat, especially as his neck and collarbone were fully accessible. 

Even with those glasses he was wearing.

“Aaah, so it's really a fetish!”

“I don't have a fucking fetish you bastard, I didn't chose those!”

“No, Mayora, they chose you!”

“What the hell do glasses choose, you brat!? Why did you pick these?”

“I don't know, ask Glasses, here,” she pointed at Shinpachi with her head.

“I'm not Glasses! We're all wearing glasses, anyway, you can't use that anymore! We're all Glasses!” he yelled at her. Turning towards Hijikata, he replied politely.

“Ah sorry, Hijikata-san. It was very late, so they weren't many shops to choose from. We found one late night 100 yen shop and took what we could.”

Hijikata's eyes narrowed with suspicion, but it didn't have the threatening effect he wanted, with the handcuffs silver coloured glasses he wore, particularly not on Gintoki. They just looked like fake cuffs, with a small chain hanging, linking the two parts of the handcuffs, and that he could feel moving when he did. He looked around, but didn't see any normal glasses anyway.

“Yorozuya, why are yours shit shaped?”

“Ah, see? It's definitely shit-shaped! I knew it! You bunch of bastards! Traitors!”

“It's not shit shaped, Hijikata-san! Now I think about it, it kinda looks like that thing you put on stuff to make edible meals turn into dog food!” commented Sougo.

“You really do need glasses, go get your eyes checked, it definitely doesn't look like Mayo!”

Kondo crossed his arms.

“Yeah, it kinda does.”

Kagura nodded several times, and Shinpachi once, too, looking compassionate about it. Sadaharu let out an approving bark, and Yamazaki didn't dare to say it, but approved as well.

Hijikata lit a cigarette, picturing the smirk he didn't doubt was on Gintoki's lips, hidden behind the mask. He hated that thing, where the hell did it come from?

“Anyway, let's not waste time on this, but...” Especially on anything that made him look at Gintoki, even if really wanted to see it, deep down.

He needed to understand that thing he was wearing under the glasses.

“What's that freakish mask? It looks ominous, and with shit on top of it, it's-”

“You're lacking elegance! I mean, that's not courteous! It's not shit, and I didn't choose these either! And why the hell can't I take it off?”

“Ah Hijikata-san's orders. Sorry, Dan-Bat-san!”

“Cut the crap with bat-san already!”

“While he was coming...” He made a too obvious pause, “for you, he had me go to Ketsuno Seimei's. He'd said it wasn't undead things, so he couldn't just banish them, but Hijikata-san wanted something to starve you.”

“Why are you saying it like this! I just want to prevent him from drinking anyone's blood!”

“Well that's the same, anyway! So Ketsuno-san made these.”

“I certainly didn't ask for anything that...” His nose wrinkled. “I can't believe he'd make something that... distasteful!”

“Hey I'm the one who's got to wear it, you know? Be courteous, I'm telling ya!”

“Fuck off, you idiot!”

“Fuck off, Clarice!”

“Who the hell are you calling Clarice!? And that's really _not_ courteous, you imbecile! You even know what it means?”

“Anyway, I brought him the masks, I had some like these.” Sougo smirked. “He put a shikigami on them, the wearer wont be able to take them off, not even to touch the outer parts of it. It has to be someone else who gets them off.”

“These?”

Sougo smiled innocently.

“I had one made for the vampire bitch too.” And an extra one, but nobody needed to know that, and he'd asked not to detail the bill, as administration was a pain. Seimei had agreed wholeheartedly, all civil servants did. It would serve later to humiliate Hijikata-san, and it was even better, that it was paid for by Shinsengumi funds, though he really intended to use it for work too, anyway.

“So I can't take this off at all?”

“No. You won't be able to drink blood. Nor anything at all. When closed, it's sealed to your face, nothing will go in.”

It was like Hannibal Lecter's, really, except it was black, and behind the grill, there was a glass to prevent any drop going into his mouth.

Hijikata eyed it, and it looked ridiculous with those pine cones on top of it, but if it did the job... He'd been slightly worried about sending Sougo there, but all in all, it was fine, if he got two of those, and they really couldn't get rid of it. And anyway, Kondo had wanted to keep an eye on Otae till she was safe home, and he had felt he would find the Yorozuya.

In the end, everything had worked out perfectly, then, no matter how close they'd been to a catastrophe, he had not drunk any blood.

“Let's go in. Yorozuya, now tell us what you know. We need to identify and find the woman.”

“Yes, Bat-chan an, tell us how did you let some woman make you like this?”

Gintoki rubbed the back of his head, as they walked towards the gates, trying to avoid looking at Hijikata, as his fucking neck was all he could see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>   
> Hope you had fun! More nonsense next week!  
> Have a great day/night/whatever!


	4. Add on and it really changes. Removing ne works too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turning (w or w/o on) and more glasses.

Sougo threw the keys at Yamazaki, so that he'd park the car, and he walked to catch the others, looking at the gate. That made him remember something else, about vampires, so he started chuckling evilly, eyes set on Gintoki.

Gintoki was following Kagura's lead, and after she passed the gates, he walked forward, but he hit some kind of invisible wall.

“Ouch! Ah shit, I forgot about that.”

Sougo was laughing now. Even if he'd been expecting it, it was great fun. The others had passed the gates, and turned around, when they heard Gintoki.

“Gin-chan? Ah sorry, Bat-chan?”

Gintoki cast her an annoyed glare.

“Don't correct it when you got it right first! I can't come in.”

Sougo smirked.

“He has to be invited in, just like in the movies. Hijikata-san, if he still wants to flee, we could make you bleed a little and watch him all night fighting an invisible wall to pass the gate trying to get to you. That'd be a great night out! Well for him, and in for us.”

The look Gintoki threw at him was nasty, so Sougo corrected his mistake.

“Ah he's not too happy about that, sorry, I was wrong,” he said, faking remorse. His smirk came back larger, and he added: “Let's make you bleed a lot.”

“Hey, I'll take any blood, you know?”

“Ah, right!” And Sougo made a small leap past the gates, still smirking evilly at the “vampire”. “You were saying?”

“Why the fuck would it be me! Let's make _you_ bleed instead!” snapped Hijikata. But glancing at Gintoki, he scratched the back of his head and calmed down. “Stop it, Sougo, we have to hear what he knows,” he added softly.

Sougo shrugged, and asked low enough to be heard only by Gintoki, who was punching the invisible wall in front of him. He'd waste his blood, fine, but he had to rip that smirk off.

“You only struggle to resist his, right?”

Gintoki blushed, under his mask, grateful after all, that the ugly thing was concealing his face. Sougo was watching the small part of his cheeks, right under the eyes, just a little on the side from the part hidden by the glasses cones, though. As expected, he could see the pale skin getting some colour. He crossed his arms behind his head, walking towards the group, wondering how he should use that.

“Yeah, come in, Bat-chan.” Said Kagura with a big grin.

He tried to march forward, but the wall had not disappeared. He frowned, as unexpectedly, the cold fingers of fear constricted his heart. As if he was going to be separated from them all from now on. Forever. He shuddered at the thought, and let his arms fall back to his sides.

“It... It's still there. The wall is...”

He scowled at it, or really, at the air in front of him, shaking his head. Like hell he was going to wait outside all alone! He tried to push again, and was about to try his bokuto when he heard someone sensible talk at last.

“Kagura-chan, you can't invite someone in other people's home,” said Shinpachi with a patient voice.

Kondo nodded, smiling at the man who was pressing his hands at the invisible wall, his glasses and mask making him look like a sad, horrendous yet ridiculous mime.

“Come in, Gintoki.”

And just like that, the wall didn't block him anymore. His relief was intense, as he finally set foot past the Shinsengumi gates.

He looked at them, with pursed lips. Kagura's grin, Shinpachi and Kondo's smiles, Sougo's smug smirk, and Hijikata's expectant face.

He could have left. He was faster, and even Kagura wouldn't have caught him, this time. But he didn't want to. Not just yet. Maybe he could stay a bit more with them, before...

Hijikata turned back, and Gintoki's eyes trailed on his perfect nape, showcased by his collar, down on his back, till his eyes set on his obi. He was near him in less than a second, pulling at the sash to untie the knot, under several dismayed gazes.

“Yo-Yorozuya...”

Gintoki closed his eyes, took a step back, hands raised, as Hijikata pulled his obi from his hands to tie it again.

“Really lower than bat shit!” Commented Kagura, clearly judging him. She'd condemned him immediately too, and with her Queen's glasses, he half-expected her to yell “Off with his head.”

“Hey, I'm not... I... Fuck! I don't control it, okay?”

“You can't control what, exactly? The need to see Hijikata naked? Kondo-san, may a take a break until they're done?” asked Sougo in a monotone. Though his face indicated he was bored, was having so much fun he regretted he'd not started filming from the start.

“What the hell are you talking about!” Yelled Hijikata, so red his face looked like it was smoking, his mouth letting out outraged sounds that couldn't really be called words.

“Shit, stop that, that... fuck!” moaned Gintoki, his teeth clenched, while his hands were rising towards Hijikata, trembling with the efforts he made to keep them from touching him . He needed to reach that hot hot blood, but fuck, he didn't want to be a slave to that thing!

Now he could feel that flow so close, so warm and alive! It was more or less feasible to ignored it, when his blood was doing it's usual course, but whenever he blushed, or... other stuff that concentrated blood in a part of his anatomy he _couldn't_ think about now...

“Gin-san, stop looking at him like this, it's disturbing! I am SO relieved we can't really see your face right now!” Shinpachi looked at Hijikata, who had turned his back to them. He'd never thought he'd ever see that man flustered to that point.

Sougo sighed sadly. It was a great mask, but that was a major flaw.

“Ah without it, it would have been even funnier...”

Kagura only punched Gintoki in the face. Simple problems needed simple solutions.

“I didn't raise you to do something like that!”

He flew against a wall, and when he walked back to them, muttering angrily at himself and putting his glasses back on, they were waiting for him again, and Hijikata had controlled his blush somewhat, though even with the glasses protecting him, he couldn't meet his gaze.

“It-it's a vampire thing too, I read something like that. Didn't think something so stupid could be true, but...Yorozuya, look at the dog.”

Gintoki scowled at him, unwilling to to anything he asked, that fucking blushing bastard! But Sadaharu came in his sight anyway, showing his profile enough for the knot tying his glasses to be visible, and as Hijikata expected it, Gintoki went straight to him to untie it.

It really was another thing that made Hijikata's heart beat wildly, but _only_ linked to that vampire state he was in.

“Vampires are really .. _weird_ ... Why do you do that?” asked Shinpachi. By weird, he meant idiotic. That's how every other person around heard it. Even Sadaharu understood it that way.

“No idea” replied Gintoki, still fighting the urge he had to get close to Hijikata. “No fucking idea.”

Sougo was smirking and planning, but said nothing, biding his time. As soon as Kagura had tied the glasses, Gintoki had untied the knot again, and she'd pushed him in front of her and Sadaharu.

“Stop looking at Sadaharu! His glasses are cool! And don't look at Tosshi either, you perverted bat!”

With that, Hijikata, all too aware of the clothes he was wearing, something he had never experienced before, was still keeping his arms closed on his chest so that his sleeves hid the knot he now kept on the front, to be able to hide it at all times, started to walk towards the buildings.

The Yorozuyas followed the Shinsengumi men to a large room they usually used for meetings.

“Now, spill. Who's that woman, how did you meet, how did you become... like this. Everything,” said Hijikata, his tone final. Getting in a work mindset always helped him to get unwanted emotions and whatever else in the back of his mind. So far he'd been able to mostly ignore it.

This time, it was proving difficult, but the reassuring company of dear dear tobacco helped too, so he lit another cigarette, careful not to let the knot appear. He'd find something to get changed as soon as he'd have heard something, anything telling him at last, they were going to arrest the bitch, and make Gintoki... less of an annoyance, at the very least. Just a little less, but with that guy, the slightest bit was something.

“Oi, don't make it look like an interrogation, you bastard! Ah... I was drunk when I met her. I don't remember most of it.” He shrugged, still undecided about what he should tell them or not. But it may help him find her...

“Then tell us what you remember, Gin-san,” replied Shinpachi.

“And add to that whatever you learned since. You talked to her.”

Gintoki glared at Hijikata, and with a huff, sat cross-legged. With the mask and the shit... No no, he corrected himself, in thought, ice-cream glasses, he didn't look like the proverbial vampire and more like a moronic freak.

It wasn't that much of a change, if the vice-commander really thought about it, after all, unknowingly echoing Gintoki's thoughts.

Hijikata and Sougo leaned against the walls, on opposite sides of the meeting room. Gintoki sat on the middle of it, Shinpachi, Kagura, Kondo and Sadaharu close to him. Yamazaki was there too, but as no one noticed him, even with his ostentatious visor, it isn't clear where he was.

“Shit, don't you guys pay your informants or something? I can't do it for free!”

“You freaking idiot, what good will it do to you, to hide stuff?”

“You're the fucking idiot, mayora! You'll owe me one, no, ten parfaits for this!” He scratched his head, annoyed by the mask again. “Well. I was playing pachinko, with Madao.”

“Ah. I knew it was something like this, bat-chan.” said Kagura, munching on sukonbu.

“Yeah, yeah, shut up now, with the bat-thing. Anyway, we didn't win a thing.” Kagura commented that was expected too, and he hit her lightly on the head before he resumed. “So with what we had left, which was enough for just a drink, we went to that bar...”

“What bar?”

“Next to the Gundam Cafe.”

Hijikata nodded for him to go on.

“And that woman started to offer us drinks. I think she did that thing I do with the eyes, because after that, it's all blurry. I remember being in a alley with her, and I was puking, because I had drank waaaaaay too much!” He stopped and looked at them seriously. “It was free, so I didn't have a choice!”

He dared anyone to argue against this with his eyes, but behind his ice cream glasses, it probably wasn't very convincing.

“I... thought it was a dream, but... I guess she really did drink my blood.”

And he drank hers. It was all shrouded in some alcohol mist, but he did remember, at some point, in a narrow street behind the bar... Her index finger was cut, bleeding a bit, and she presented it in front on his face, as he'd been coughing after puking some of what he'd drunk that night.

She'd said something about making it stop bleeding. It had not been overly sexual. Not at all, even, on his part. Only after he'd met her a second time, did he he understand it was some kind of weird bonding thing to her. Like weird-ass preliminaries for twilight chicks.

But he was drunk anyway. So he'd paused in his vomiting, to see that beautiful woman pouting as her finger what bleeding. He did what any man would have done.

He gripped her wrist, looking seriously at the wound, and made it go up and down in front of his face. That part wasn't something he wanted to do, but his balance was somewhat off. So he'd grabbed the wrist with his other hand, to stabilise the finger, and he saw her beautiful smile.

“Thank...” she'd said. And as the “you” opened her mouth, he'd shoved it in. Nodding at a great deed done by him, he didn't see the kick coming, and coughed some more. He started emptying his stomach again, and as he wiped his mouth, spitting what he could of the taste, but strawberry milk having been his only meal, it could have been worse, he felt someone rubbing his back, and a glass was presented on his side.

“Drink, and rinse your mouth”, she'd said. Had he been in a better state, maybe he would have smelled something weird, when he'd brought the glass to his lips. Drunk as he was, though, he'd gulped the beverage, and only after swallowing a mouthful did he notice the taste.

“Wha-” he'd started. And he'd puked again. And again, she'd rubbed his back soothingly. When he was done, he'd felt sluggish, still sick and weird, and he'd felt her against him, and kissing his neck.

Then teeth grazing his skin.

He didn't remember much else. She'd been so beautiful, he found her really beautiful, clearly. Something like on par with Hinowa. And she was clearly one of the most beautiful women he'd ever seen, and considered to be the most beautiful woman of Yoshiwara.

He glanced at Hijikata, and he was probably blushing but it couldn't be seen behind the mask he was wearing, right? She was beautiful, but Hijikata was that and so much more.

He took a deep breath, glad he was able to, and looked back at the door. He wanted to flee and to take care of all of this himself. Not to endanger anyone.

It was fine if he didn't make it, as long as those people here, were unharmed. He should have fled, when he got the opportunity at the gates, really. But that thing, that peculiar feeling that filled his heart with something he couldn't define, when he looked at them...

That thing was still there. Giving him hope again.

If he had none on his own, with them... Maybe with them...

  


“Gin-chan?”

He turned to face Kagura.

“Yeah?”

“You're enough of an idiot to wear shit on your nose. Don't think about fighting her alone. I'll kill that bitch, anyway, who the hell does she think she is? When you're not moving your ass to be able to buy strawberry milk, we don't have anything but rice and eggs!”

Gintoki let out a small laugh. Even without seeing his face, she could tell what he was thinking?

“Sorry, Van Hellsing-san.”

As he expected, she liked it, and beamed at him.

“Van Hellsing is badass, right?! Ah but vampires usually are more! Too bad you're just bat shit.”

“Eh?”

“We thought you were crazy, at first. Turns out, you're not batshit crazy, you're Bat-shit-san!”

“Okay, so bat-san wasn't that bad, now I think about it. Go on with bat-san, Kagura-chaaan.”

She laughed, and tapped Sadaharu softly on the nose. She liked him with the glasses, it was fun, and Gin-chan was fine after all.

Kondo smiled at them approvingly.

“So what do you know about her? Or what you are? Umibozou-san said he didn't cross those things himself, so he wasn't positive what he was saying could be relied on. The glasses seem to work though.”

“Yeah! And I think part of my hunger is linked to sight, it's... kinda subdued since I wear them. At first I wondered why you made some for me too.”

Shinpachi looked at him like he was a desperate case.

“Because when you're fully yourself again, Gin-san, you'll need them if we still need to fight her.”

It was so obvious to all of them. And really, Gintoki, after all they went through together, thought he should have known.

Still, a part of him would always feel unworthy of them all. Maybe after a long, long time he'd manage to tune it out, or even get rid of that feeling. But that time wasn't now. He felt like he was some kind of tickling bomb, and he didn't want any of them around it. Hell, the way he'd acted when he'd seen Hijikata's blood proved he was a hazard they should get rid of.

He was freezing, and feelings seemed all subdued, since that night he was bit, but this, he felt, like a warm light right in his heart. He was so happy vampires weren't really dead from the start, as in the stories. And that was true, aside from one little exception: All of his feelings were kinda off, yes, all except for his intense desire to be close, as much as possible, to Hijikata. And he'd touched other people after he'd changer, enough to know he only felt that warmth when it was _him_.

Shinpachi seemed to hesitate, but he asked anyway:

“You talked to her?”

“Yeah.” Gintoki wasn't sure about telling them. Telling them would be letting them know what he had become exactly, even if they obviously knew, it was... He didn't feel like he was worth anything on a good day, so adding that...

Yet, they really had supported him all this time. Every time he'd needed it, since he'd met them. They'd never let him down. Though even when they looked like they did, he felt he was responsible of it. And since he'd let them down first, then they didn't. Ever.

And he didn't feel like letting them down again. He barely dared to think it was nearly family-like. Yet, he had not known what a real family felt like, and to him, that was it.

People who would be idiotic enough to chase you even if they knew you would be dangerous. People who would want to help even though you'd attacked one of them not half an hour earlier. People who were there no matter what, even if only in thought.

People who would try to understand and help even though there was not much of a chance the situation would be manageable.

Not much of a chance to save you.

People who made you feel maybe you _really_ could be saved.

“After that first day, I felt …. fucking weird. I got sick when I tried to drink strawberry milk. It's a fucking curse, I don't get how she feels it's a gift! Freaking emo bitch!”

He went on and on about how not being able to drink strawberry milk or eat parfaits was hell, and Hijikata especially could relate, because if he was unable to eat mayonnaise even for a day... only imagining it was hell!

He shook his head. That would never happen. Mayonnaise and him had a special relationship, like the Yato and their umbrellas, or the sun and heat, or... or Gintoki and sweet stuff. It was preposterous, to separate them. He'd fucking even pay for his next parfait, if needed! He'd get him one.

Gintoki, after a while, sighed.

“Anyway. It was clear I was... changed. But I didn't understand it. So I went to do the usual at night, and she came to me again. I asked her what she had done to me, by that time, I had remembered her. She said she'd given me the gift of eternal youth and some goth crap like that. I tried to get her to tell me how to get back to normal, but she said it wasn't possible. You're sure it is?”

“We're not doing the movie with those ridiculous glasses, we'll find something before January or you'll have to tell everyone the movie was a lie. Some people did it with cake, and even you did it with endings.” said Sougo, looking bored.

Hijikata glared at him for having broken the fourth wall.

“Umibozou said it was. As I understood it, she... impregnated you-”

“Wait wait wait, Hijikata-kuuuun. That mask isn't on my ears, but what you said sounds so gross it had to be distorted. Hey, take it back, Hijikata-kun, I'm feeling sick, seriously, you bastard!”

“Bat-chan, you're pregnant?” asked Kagura, in an innocent tone.

He pointed his finger at her.

“Don't say disgusting shit like that, and you! You bloody asshole!” He pointed his finger at Hijikata. “Don't say misleading gross sickening gross shit like that!”

“I mean she infected you with a parasite,” he replied, unfazed, “but I'm not sure if it's part of her, or something else. Umibozou said there was some kind of filial link in there. That's why the people she tried first aren't dead, but aren't waking up. If she feels you're not a good host, she'll fall back up on them. I'm not sure why she doesn't take other hosts, though. Maybe she has and that's why people disappeared.”

Gintoki looked at him, not bothering to fake a neutral face. The mask and glasses hid it all. And he was worried. She'd said he'd be his, if he died. He had to get rid of this, or at least, get rid of her. Hijikata wasn't going to be her next target and would absolutely not be her plaything.

“Filial, eh? Shit, I'd puke but I can't. Hey if I do, will the mask keep it in?”

Hijikata glanced at Sougo who shrugged. He shrugged too.

“No idea. Try it,” said Sougo, with glee.

“You fucking bastards, don't use stuff on people when you don't know how they work! Fucking assholes, take it off now!”

As no one came forward to take it off, he glared at them. Shinpachi avoided his gaze, even though he was protected. Kagura did too, for a second, but she raised her head to glare at him, after a second.

“Fucking traitors,” he spat, giving up and scrubbing the back of his head. “So I guess it makes sense. She didn't say it was a parasite, it wasn't emo enough, or something. But I asked her why a stake through the heart would kill us, and she said it was because our real blood was in the heart. The blood we... Well the vampires drink, at least, goes through it, and is changed by it. Infected, I suppose. But she did say there was something precious and ancient in that blood we keep in our heart that makes us able to... well do stuff like change into a bat, or have a superhuman strength, I guess.”

“It's lame, it's not even a superyato one,” commented Kagura, still munching sukonbu.

Gintoki snorted, repressing a shudder.

“I'm rather glad it wasn't.”

He glanced at Hijikata. Without Kagura, he would have sucked his blood, and as he wasn't controlling anything he did, he probably would have killed him. She'd said he didn't have to, that he could drink only what he needed, but that implied being aware of what he was doing, which had not been the case earlier. He needed to control himself better.

“She said anything else? And what did she look like, exactly? We have a vague description from several people linked to the victims, those who disappeared, but not much. A strikingly beautiful woman, with dark hair and amber eyes, is that it? The light skin seems a given seeing you...”

Gintoki looked at his arms. They were lighter than they used to, he probably looked really sick, yet, the woman was that pale too, and looked beautiful. It felt weird, in any case.

“Yeah, she isn't that beautiful, and anyway, she's a geezer. I can describe her precisely...” He rubbed his right eye, under the glasses.

“Or have you someone around who can draw? I could give him the image in my head, it probably works the same as with thoughts.”

Hijikata nodded, looked around to yell at Yamazaki, but he was here after all. He made a head sign at the mobcop who left the room.

“When did you get infected, exactly?”

Gintoki crossed his legs on the ankles, looking at the ceiling.

“Two... No Three nights ago. I tried to find her yesterday, and the night before. She found me instead. First time, she agreed to talk a bit. She tried to convince me I was lucky and stuff, the bloody bitch. Last night, I...” There was no real reason to tell them they'd met, right? “I lost her around where you found me tonight. She's somewhere around there, but I couldn't feel her... Maybe she's in a grave and I can't feel her underground. Ah she said that wasn't needed, by the way.”

Hijikata lit a cigarette, careful to keep the large sleeve of his yukata to hide the knot.

“The last coma with severe blood loss guy was found the following morning then. If she tried him and found you then, maybe she really hasn't attacked anyone else since, no mispers since either. What else?”

“Huh? If there's coffee around, I'm not in charge of it. I can't drink it anyway.”

Hijikata glared at him.

“Stop joking around. What else did she say?”

“You're no fun. Fine. She told me about some things I could do. And I saw her turn into a bat, too, that's how I learned to change into one, too.”

“And couldn't turn back into a human,” noted Sougo.

“Shut up, it's not as easy as you seem to make it! I really thought I was going to be a bat forever back then! It happened to several cats, not even only in that show! I thought I wasn't going to turn back!”

“It wouldn't happen to a main character, Gin-san,” said Shinpachi, trying to be reassuring.

Kagura didn't seem so convinced.

“How did you turn back the first time, Bat-chan?”

Gintoki made a face, but it was hidden, again, by the mask.

“I'm not sure. And I didn't really manage to fly, when I was... in that form.”

Kagura shrugged.

“Try again.”

“I'm telling you I don't know how to come back!”

“You'll never learn if you don't try. Mama said people who're afraid to try again something they failed at are not men but just like tissues full of snot you should throw.”

He glared at her, but wasn't agreeing that much at being compared to a tissue you should throw away, so he willed himself to turn into a bat, and this time managed to flap his wings enough to stay in the air a while. He tried to move, then, and it was harder that it seemed. There were too many sounds, just too much new sensations to deal with.

So he glided to what felt safe. To what he wanted to be close to.

He glided, and ended up climbing Hijikata's sleeve.

He saw his frown and tried to remember what he felt right before he took back human form, earlier. He was afraid he'd get eaten by Sadaharu, and scared he'd get hit by the racket. Was it fear, then? But he'd been afraid of never being able to take again a human form earlier, too. Was it fear for his life? He wondered about it, gripping Hijikata's sleeve, and climbing it, as this was feeling natural. It was way easier than flying, at least.

Hijikata was looking at the silver bat with an expression far too neutral to be natural. And everyone was looking at them which made it fucking embarrassing. Again.

“Oi, Yorozuya. Turn back to your human self, now.”

“He can't drink blood either, like this?” asked Shinpachi.

Hijikata raised his head to look at him, which gave Gintoki a full view of his neck.

“He kept his clothes, last time, so he's probably still wearing the mask.”

“Let's put him in a goldfish bowl. He can't drown if the mask's still on. That can make a fun fight if we find a piranha!”

“He'd still need to breathe, you fucking sadist!” Yelled Hijikata.

“Yeah! Don't put Bat-chan in a bowl! He deserves a big aquarium and stuff!”

“That's not the problem here, Kagura-chan!”

But she was already fighting with Sougo.

Kondo and Shinpachi tried to get them to calm down.

Hijikata looked down to see the small silver bat still staring at his neck, now closer to his shoulder.

“Oi, Yorozuya, I can't be sure the mask's still working.”

He saw the bat pressing its nose against his sleeve, rubbing it against him.

“What the hell are you doing now? Get away from me, you fucking …rodent! Turn back, you're useless like this. Even more than usual!”

It was enough to rile Gintoki up, and he wanted to punch him in the face. Less than a second after he pictured that in his mind, he was in human form, against him. They both flushed, but it was unseen on him, and he forced himself to step away, his gaze lingering on Hijikata's neck, completely exposed, in his yukata, and his arms trembling as he did whatever he could to restrain himself.

“I've got it, I think!” He swallowed with difficulty, licking his lips under the mask. In front of him, Hijikata was starting to feel self-conscious. He blushed some more, and Gintoki took an involuntary step forward, pulled by the heat and the flow.

That's when his gaze went down, to see how far the opening showed Hijikata's so very nice chest, and he saw the obi, tied.

It wasn't even a second before he'd pulled the tie loose, and Hijikata gaped, closing again his yukata as it had opened _way_ too much. And it still wasn't enough, to Gintoki, who was staring at him.

“Yo-Yorozuya...”

Gintoki was close enough to feel his body head, and it was so soothing. He felt so damn cold, and just by being near Hijikata, he was so warm! He didn't want to leave his side.

But aside from Sougo, who was examining them like they were some kind of experiment, and Kagura, who had gotten up to punch the idiot if he needed it, which he usually did, what happened wasn't noticed. They'd just stopped fighting, and Kondo and Shinpachi were complaining about the work it was to be a peacemaker.

Hijikata closed again his yukata, his blush showing his embarrassment, but he didn't say anything more. Didn't even try to punch the idiot as he should have. As he normally would have.

Because he couldn't.

Because whenever Gintoki was close to him, he was, in some part of his mind that he refused to acknowledge, glad. Hopeful and happy he was at least of some interest to him, something he'd never felt before Gintoki became... _this_.

And it hurt.

Even so, being so obviously desired by the man he-himself desired... especially since Gintoki thought nothing of him when he was his normal self. Some part of him would take whatever it could, and he hated himself for it.

This time, his blush was really more of shame than anything else. The shame of being infatuated enough that he'd accept any attention from that man, even if it wasn't coming from him at all.

“You really don't want to stay a bat, Bat-chan? You're cute as a bat!” she said, taking Gintoki's arm to get him back to the middle of the room, forcefully pulling him away. He was still staring.

“We've already got a mascot!” He turned his head with difficulty to stop looking at that hot, perfect neck, with blood so easy to access. He'd felt it rushing into Hijikata's face. He closed his eyes, and let his nails puncture his palms.

“But I could be the new main character. We've only got a movie planned, it'd renew the franchise. Create a better franchise, rather! Sadaharu would be main character number 3, and you'd be the mascot!”

“I still have most of the votes! And THE Batman can't be a secondary character!”

“But you're only Bat-chan! Buuut if you want a Joker, Mayora with make up will do, he already has dark green hair in the anime, right? We only need to lighten it! And I'll do the make up! ”

“I'll pass, thanks.” He took several steps away, to lean on the wall again, lighting a cigarette. He needed to get his shit together. He needed to get changed, too. As soon as Yamazaki came back, he would.

Kagura frowned at him. That man was really no fun.

“You'd really need to smile and laugh a lot more to get the part, Mayora. Why so serious!?”

Everybody else nodded.

“I don't want the part! No one's getting a part!” He yelled.

Sougo eyed him up and down.

“Well Danna's more suited to be the Joker, and his hair will be easy to die green.”

“Oi, are you calling me a psycho? You? You dare?” he said, taking a threatening posture only enhanced with the psycho's mask he wore. The glasses ruined it, though.

“Ah Mayora's more like the dark angry dark vigilante anyway, so he'll do Batman, then, yes?”

“Hey that's the main character! And Batman can't be a policeman! And you said dark twice! And Gin-san's not done for yet, stop looking for a replacement, dammit!”

“Bat-chan, I'm the next main character, don't worry!” said Kagura, confidently. “They've already handed the franchise over to girls, anyway.”

“Like I said, nobody's getting a fucking part. I'm not even that dark, and-”

He huffed, gritting his teeth. He could see him from the corner of this eyes, and what the hell was he doing?

He turned with a serious face to his right, rubbing his forehead tiredly. He couldn't ignore it any longer. He'd been able to only because Gintoki was even harder to ignore, especially when he got close.

“Kondo-san, please stop playing with your balls.” He said, with a somewhat neutral tone.

All heads turned to look at the Commander of the Shinsengumi. He'd been looking at the ceiling for a while, now, fondling the balls attached to his glasses, on both sides of his face.

“Kondo-san, something's stuck on them,” added Sougo with a bored voice.

“Gorilla-san, something's leaking,” added Gintoki, his tone a mix between bored and disgusted.

“Gorilla, you're gross,” added Kagura, her nose wrinkling with disgust.

“Woof,” added Sadaharu.

Shinpachi was about to add his part too, but Kondo didn't give him the time, holding his two disco balls, covered with something dark.

“Hey, it's not me! Something was leaking, so I just tried look what it was! Tosshi! That's not the kind of stuff I leak!”

“K-Kondo-san, I don't want to know the kind of stuff you leak!” replied Hijikata, appalled.

“Kondo-san, you usually leak?” asked Sougo in a bored voice.

“Gorilla-san, that part's not supposed to leak,” added Gintoki, with the tone one would use to explain something to a 2 years old.

“Gorilla, you're gross” added Kagura, as it needed to be said at least twice.

“Woof,” agreed Sadaharu in a high pitch.

By that time, tears had appeared in Kondo's eyes, and as he smelled the balls, getting them nearer to his face, which earned him an even more disgusted look from Kagura, he yelled it was soy sauce, obliterating Shinpachi's line again.

“Ah, yeah. Gengai does that,” declared Gintoki, disinterested now it wasn't that gross. His pinkie went up to his face, and he groaned, as it met the idiotic mask.

Kondo sniffed, and left to wash his balls.

Shinpachi's dejected gaze met Yamazaki's. Well it was hard to tell with the visor and glasses, but they felt united anyway, in this. There had been so much room for a straight man, but they hadn't been strong enough!

Yamazaki had been back for a few minutes already, with another policeman, and nobody had noticed they were here, except for Shinpachi when he needed support from someone even more invisible than him.

After a few seconds of silence, Hijikata cleared his throat, deciding to get back to the problem.

“So that's it. You're stronger, you'll survive anything but a stake in the heart and beheading, and you ...can turn into a bat. We can deal with the eye thing now. Anything else we should know?”

He didn't want to mention the knots. And that other thing they knew, would be used soon. Before the moron tried to leave.

Gintoki looked at him longingly. He wanted to feel his heat, to be near him, to drink his blood.

That last one thing wasn't good, he needed to resist it, but the rest...

Couldn't he at least be near him and just feel him close, with that good smell he and his blood had, and that wonderful rhythm his blood flow was making in Gintoki's ears?

He clenched his fists, making his nails turn into claws to feel them more.

“She didn't tell me anything else. Well she used some stuff like the bat thing in front of me, so I thought I'd give it a try and she didn't say a thing about invitations either, so there's probably other stuff we don't know about.”

Thinking about it again, he didn't want to tell any of them about the encounter they'd had. She'd liked _him_ a little too much. Jimmy had been ignored, and that was fine. Really, he'd preferred it, if Hijikata had been ignored too.

“Well if she can't manipulate us thanks to the glasses, it should be easier to fight her, especially with daylight. That thing's true too, right? That's why you wore gloves and a hood, last time?”

“Yeah.” He wanted to tell him it was because he was so fucking cold, maybe he'd warm him? “It makes me sluggish, and it burns like... well a nasty sunburn I guess.”

“It's a good thing, Gin-san, it means it's not too late.” Said Shinpachi.

Hijikata nodded.

“When we have a better description, we should be able to find who and where she is. We'll go there before night falls tomorrow.”

Gintoki smiled, behind the mask. They really weren't going to leave him alone, these fucking idiots.

Yamazaki and the man in a uniform, were finally noticed. That other cop wasn't wearing glasses. Gintoki put his on his head, and talked with him, after he'd looked into his eyes.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope that made you smile at least! Aaaand finally some action next time! 
> 
> Have a great day/night/whatever!


	5. When your voice is irritating, the phone's only gonna make it worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild baka *appears*

  
  


It took a while. Shinpachi and Kagura nearly dozed off several times. Sougo took his leave, and Hijikata too. Because the week had been hectic, their usual teams for laundry were disturbed, and even he had forgotten to give his clothes to be washed, so he didn't have another full uniform available. That was why he'd changed to his yukata in the first place, but since knots were _not_ advised, he took another Shinsengumi uniform, even though he didn't have a jacket clean. Pants, vest and white shirt would do, it was spring, anyway. The ascot would be useless too, even if it made him feel like his neck was again too exposed.

Even with the glasses, he could see that was what Gintoki was interested in. His blood, and only that.

After the sketch artist was done, working on his tablet computer, the drawing was detailed and as he could picture the image for himself, it took about an hour before it was done. Hijikata has been back earlier, and was leaning against the wall, near the door. Gintoki had felt him coming back, and his gaze had been riveted to that gloriously exposed neck almost immediately.

Sougo was back a few minutes before it was done, something folded on his forearm. He looked at the drawing for a second before he said:

“That's princess Yumi. She nearly always had her head bowed low, so she didn't seem like the type to... But I guess she just was trying not no see any knot." He snorted. “I escorted her, to a meeting with the Prime Minister. I think she stayed in an embassy.”

Gintoki turned back to look at the drawing, wide eyed.

“You're sure? I felt she was not far from those rich people's places but I didn't manage to come closer to it.” He could not exactly smell her, but when she was close, he felt it. She probably did too, and would be able to find him here, if he was. It had to be over before the next nightfall.

“Well she was a guest, so she could be visiting several places. But last week, she was there.”

That was enough. He needed to go and try to talk to her. Or whatever it took.

“Yorozuya,” said Hijikata, at the same time Kagura said “Gin-chan”.

He looked at one and then the other. He had not told them she'd said she'd come back to him to take Hijikata if he had not drank blood. He wasn't going to drink blood, and he wasn't going to let her attack anyone else. It was late, so he probably had something like 20 hours, or even less, before she came back. He wasn't going go wait.

He could try the bat thing again, but if he wasn't better at flying, he would be caught.

He laid on his back, resting his ankle on his bent knee, his arms behind his head.

“How many of those glasses do you have, anyway?”

“Just these, for now. Gengai said he could make more, but he'd need to get supplies,” replied Shinpachi. He tried to stifle a yawn. Kagura had done it several times already.

Kondo crossed his arms.

“We have several spare rooms. Yamazaki, show them the way. Get some rest, we'll work on a plan tomorrow.”

Yamazaki opened the door, and several men scattered, busted. Hijikata glared at them.

“If you bastards are healed enough to eavesdrop, you should be on patrol!”

All of their men were working all night, except for the sick and wounded, a dozen men, who were apparently all here. He yelled at them to get back to resting, and most of them were whispering to each other, as they did.

Gintoki closed his eyes. That was another thing he had not told them. It didn't seem that important. His senses and his reflexes were improved.

But his senses, were kind of jumbled. At times, he couldn't tell where one sense started, and another one ended.

His sight, allowed him to see way farther than any human could, and somehow, everything he saw was more vivid, brighter. As if his human sight was always veiled. But the glasses, as ridiculous as they were, probably helped him to resist his non-human desires, because he'd found it easier to resist that need he had to lay his hands and mouth on Hijikata's neck.

His sense of taste may have been enhanced too, or it was just Hijikata's skin tasted heavenly. Since he'd gagged every time he put something in his mouth, he did not really remember about other stuff.

His sense of touch made him feel things in a more acute fashion, and again, he remembered caressing Hijikata's neck with his lips. Gods, he was getting turned on. He licked his lips.

Why was he thinking about this again? Oh yeah, enhanced senses.

His smell allowed him to follow olfactory tracks with ease, and Hijikata smelled perfect. Something about the mix of tobacco and something he thought was his blood, the way it was attracting him.

He took a deep breath.

His hearing was far better too. Another thing to help him track preys again, he guessed. But now, as Hijikata yelled at his men, he heard them whispering. About the way he seemed obsessed with their vice-commander's neck.

Well they weren't really wrong. He'd been staring openly at it a long while, and whenever he couldn't, stole a glimpse like a fucking junkie needing a fix. Just looking at it, contemplating the idea, remembering the feeling of his lips against that wonderfully soft and graceful neck made him feel a little better, even if he knew he shouldn't get to close, lest he'd do something that would _suck_ for the both of them. He scowled at himself, of course that would suck. He wasn't in the least obsessed, by the way.

He hummed, opening his eyes to see Shinpachi and Kagura, who were obviously waiting for him.

“Ah that's another thing. I don't need to sleep anymore. Go rest, I'll be fine here. You don't happen to have a Jump around?”

“It's prohibited in here,” replied Hijikata. “I'll give you a Magazine.”

“Who wants to read that! Mobcop, go buy me the last Jump!”

“Mobcop, I need a snack before I go to sleep, go buy that too!” She was trying to look commanding and aggressive, but her loud yawn ruined it a bit.

Not wanting to be left out, Shinpachi added, after yawning too because he'd seen her do it:

“Mob-Yamazaki-san, I need to listen to Otsuu-chan before I go to sleep, go buy a CD!”

“We're on shift till morning, Yorozuya. We'll keep him company,” said Kondo, in a reassuring voice, as he understood they were afraid he'd leave.

“Oh joy!” mumbled Gintoki. He turned on his side, back to the door. They all knew he was planning on leaving as soon as he wasn't on watch. He knew they knew, but even so, he couldn't risk them. If he could keep them away, he would. He had to.

The bat, then. He'd learn to fly during what was left of the night, and flee right before sunrise. He didn't think he would be able to stand the sun, as a bat, so he'd have to get near to the embassies quickly. Maybe it'd be easier to find the right one, if he flew over it.

Sougo didn't care about his plans, though.

“Danna?” Gintoki turned to look at him. “Catch,” he said, throwing something small to Gintoki, who reacted before he saw what it was. Lifting it to his eyes, in his open palm, he shrugged.

“I guess that one thing is not true. It's smelly, but it's not making me sick or anything.”

He was holding garlic.

Sougo shrugged.

“Well then, we've got to take drastic measures to get you to say here.”

Gintoki's eyes narrowed, suspicious about what it was that sadist would think about.

Sougo smiled at him, and laid the sheet he'd had folded on his arm for a while, on the floor.

That was intriguing, to Gintoki, and he hoped it involved Hijikata. In fact, he'd turned an hopeful gaze at him, and Hijikata had embarrassedly started scratching his arm, looking anywhere but at him.

But Sougo disappeared from view for only a few seconds, and came back carrying a large bag.

“Fuck no! You've gotta be kidding me!”

“You'd rather have brown rice? We have some!” replied Sougo, grinning, as he opened the bag of rice on the sheet. It was a 10kg, and the regular 25kg they used in the Shinsengumi kitchens would come out depending on how fast he was done with it. And Gintoki, as expected, felt compelled to count.

“You're so cruel to poor Gin-san! Who the hell's got that big bags? Shit! Deliver them at my place, at least!”

Sougo crouched near him, resting his chin in his open palm, clearly enjoying this.

“We have several of those. And bigger ones.” He grinned.

Kagura and Shinpachi were a bit sorry for Gintoki, but with that much, they were reassured the idiot wouldn't leave alone. They went to sleep, after threatening him if he left. They could have gone back home, but it was already 2:45, and they'd been hiding how tired they were for a few hours already.

Yamazaki came back alone. Hijikata had left for a long while to check, but nothing special had happened, reported the men patrolling in the city. He was going to get reports he had to read, and started the CCTV check around the embassies, and wherever there had been an attack or a kidnapping.

As he passed to get Yamazaki's notes, Gintoki had turned into a bat, to start training. He was still counting though, even if it was difficult, and he'd tried to separate grains to be able to count the from the air.

Hijikata lit a cigarette, looking at the bat.

“Oi, Zaki. You're allowed to smash this time, it that moron tries to leave.”

Yamazaki started practising immediately, putting on a Prince of Tennis cap, while Gintoki just stopped flapping his wings, gliding into the wall, his head turned towards Hijikata. He transformed back to human shape, rubbing his head, as Hijikata was leaving. But he immediately had to go back to counting rice. 56987, 56988...

He was cold whatever happened, but it felt colder as soon as Hijikata left his field of vision.

He felt it a bit less, as a bat, and transformed right away. He needed to get better at flying anyway.

Kondo smiled, and went to get sake. Sougo had disappeared somewhere, again, when he came back. Yamazaki was still keeping watch, swinging his racket in front of the door, with Gintoki, still flying around inside.

The commander of the Shinsengumi came back, after a while, and sat to watch the crescent Moon illuminating the sky.

“Ah Toshi!”

He was walking back towards the room, reading something on the tablet computer he held. He sat not far from Kondo, his back at the door, and it took only a few seconds before he felt a slight pressure, as a small weight landed on him. The bat started climbing on his back and then his right shoulder.

“Oi Yorozuya, get back inside. Zaki, aren't you supposed to prevent him from fleeing?”

“Ah, but he wasn't trying to flee, he was gliding slowly to y-”

“Shut up. Yorozuya!” He moved his arm up and down energetically, and the bat wasn't moving like it was stuck there. He stopped, and lifted his arm, and the bat fell upside down, roosting from his sleeve.

Hijikata felt himself softening, he looked so cute and fluffy. He left it be for a few minutes, embarrassed that he didn't really want him to leave. When he turned his face away to avoid letting out a smile, the embarrassment took over, and he was finally able to be stern, like he should have been from the start. If he flew away now, they probably wouldn't be able to catch him, and they needed to at least make him stay till morning.

“Oi, Yamazaki, prepare for a smash, I'll make a pass.” The bat seemed agitated, climbed up on the arm Hijikata kept still, despite his cold tone, looking at the harmless little thing on his arm. And Gintoki flew back inside, after giving him the most unimpressive steely gaze there ever was.

Hijikata lit another cigarette, looking at the moon, hearing Kondo pour sake in a small cups, just enough for a small mouthful.

“He's drawn to you like a moth to a flame.”

Hijikata snorted.

“More like the contrary. And regular bats eat moths.”

Kondo laughed.

“That's true.” He emptied his glass, Hijikata did too, the heat of alcohol feeling great even if he wasn't cold. Gintoki had said he was. He couldn't imagine it, and couldn't do anything to help. The only thing that would make him warm again was drinking blood, he thought. He hated that.

“Toshi, that's enough for today. Go get some rest, we'll get busy in a few hours.”

Gintoki appeared, between them, face raised to watch the moon.

Hijikata started, as he transformed so suddenly near them, and watched him. The moonlight was making his skin even paler, and his silver hair shine, but how he hated not being able his face and his eyes. He rose, berating himself mentally.

“You're right. Wake me up when the check is done.” He gave the tablet to Kondo, and went back to his room, aware of Gintoki's gaze following his every move.

“Oi, Gorilla, that's cruel, having a drink without offering some!”

Kondo smiled at him, the ridiculous balls on each side of his head dangling as he moved.

“True! But even without the mask, you can't drink, right? Not even sake?”

“Even water made me sick, I won't try. Anyway, getting drunk with that fucking mask would probably kill me with my own puke.”

“That's right. I just wanted to show you the good stuff we have here. Bottle's not empty, so next time come and have some with us!”

Behind his mask, Gintoki smiled.

The stayed silently gazing at the moon for a while.

“You should rest too. If you're going to fight and to flee in daylight, you'll need all your strength.”

Gintoki raised a brow at Kondo.

“Aren't you supposed to talk me out of it?”

Kondo just smiled, and got up.

“If you're enough of an idiot to fight alone when you're at disadvantage, why stop you? Gintoki, you taught us some stuff. You haven't learned a thing, since we met?”

Gintoki stared at him wide eyed, as he quietly left, leaving the mostly empty bottle. When he looked at it, he saw there were three cups on the small tray.

One had not been drunk, and he knew it had been served for him.

He took it, looking at the crescent moon again, brought it to his face. He could not enjoy it, but it still smelled good.

He slowly emptied his glass on the ground. An offering, as he decided that he _would_ taste this sake.

It had taken him a while to count the rice, and he's stayed silently with Kondo for quite long, too. Yamazaki had fallen asleep on the now firmly closed bag of rice, at some point.

It hurt. Kondo, that idiotic Gorilla, was right. He should go to her with back up.

But he was able to move, during the day. He could, and she couldn't. He wasn't sure why she'd given him two days to drink blood, but she was coming back tonight. It had to be over before that.

And while he understood it would be wiser to attack as a group, it would put them too close to harm. He couldn't risk it. Even with the glasses, she was so fast he barely could keep up. He really couldn't take that risk. He had to deal with this before she was close enough to harm them.

Any of them.

  


Kagura rubbed her eyes and yawned loudly. She was a bit surprised, seeing the unknown room, but Sadaharu was sleeping near her, his glasses by his side. She smiled, and got up. She'd been given a shirt for the night, and she put back her clothes from the day before. She had to find somewhere where she could wash her face, and would wait to be home, to properly wash. That place was too creepy, being full of old men and all.

She needed to find some hairband or something, too, to keep Sadaharu's glasses in place without a knot.

She left the room, and was greeted by a warm morning sunlight. Mobcop was on the ground, nursing several wounds, and she ran to the room where she had left Gin-chan, followed by Sadaharu.

It was empty, and without a better clue, she ran back to kick the mobcop.

“Where is Gin-chan?”

“Ah, hum, Hijikata-san is in the mess hall, he'll tell you. It's in the building past the left corner.”

He'd be hit again, if he told her he'd been found by his vice-commander, sleeping on a rice bag, alone. What did they expect? He wasn't a machine... Well not completely!

She glared at him and followed his instructions. As she got in, she saw Shinpachi at a table, with Hijikata, Okita and the Gorilla who looked like he could sleep some more.

She rushed at them, and frowning, turned back to grab a tray she filled with food.

“Where's Gin-chan?” She started eating.

“Kagura-chan, it's polite to say hello and thanks for the food before you ask questions.”

“Thanks, food, hello, food. Where's Gin-chan?”

Hijikata showed her the tablet he was holding, unfazed by her rudeness.

“That idiot left,” he spat.

She glared at the pictures. It was from a street's camera. Near large metal gates, she could see a wall had been partly destroyed. On the upper left part of the screen, a small map was displayed, showing some streets and a red dot.

“Oukoku embassy has been mostly empty for a while, so he didn't find anyone to invite him in, it seems.” That made Sougo happy, usually, nothing that fun happened this early in the morning.

Kagura scowled at him, which didn't prevent her from enjoying breakfast. It felt lonely, but she was a bit angry Gin-chan didn't wait from them, even if she'd seen it coming.

“That's... He did this, but where is he? He's been there for long? Why didn't he come back, at least?”

Hijikata shrugged. Pride? Shame? Unwillingness to admit he should have waited for them?

“It doesn't matter, now. But that's why we couldn't find her either, they can't be filmed. We checked on bands filming here, last night, he's completely invisible.”

“And it makes his yukata open on its own, it's great fun. I made several copies already.” Noted Sougo.

“There's nothing fun about it, you bastard! WHat copies? Where the hell? Don't do anything weird with that, you bastard!” Sougo only smiled at him, as HIjikata yelled, and with one last glare, he turned to the kids again. “We'll be ready to go soon. We don't have any dog food for-”

“You're eating dog-food, Hijikata-san.” Commented Sougo.

“Shut up, Sougo, for the dog. Zaki'll give you a ride home, we'll go to the embassy now, but that idiot doesn't look like he'll be going anywhere soon, and we've got quite some time till night falls.”

“But what if he does?” asked Shinpachi worriedly.

“I planted a tracking device on him, yesterday, that's how we know it's him. He's been attacking that wall several times.” replied Hijikata.

That was the whole point of getting that close to him, the night before. The plan was to approach him, plant the device, and if it started to get dangerous, he had a bag of sunflower seeds, still in his pocket, to distract him. He just hadn't been careful enough and never got to use it. He never expected he'd be so... out of it, so desperate for him to... He crushed the thought.

In the end, everything had turned out fine. He was in a quiet street, where they could find him, and wouldn't be able to drink passersby blood even if he wanted to. And with the embassy empty, he couldn't charm someone into inviting him in.

But that was worrying too.

There should have been guards, at least, and some people would be wondering why some stupid weirdo was staying in front of the gates, which was why he wanted the kids to come later. Especially since the people who disappeared may be found there. Hopefully not dead, but...

If they were, even if those kids had lived through a war, it wasn't something he'd want them to see.

Yamazaki's order's were to take his time bringing them in.

“We let him go only because it was faster to pinpoint where she was. The cameras didn't catch that woman either and it takes longer to notice people talking to someone who's invisible,” explained Kondo.

“You should have told us, you rotten cops!”

“Why, you're so worried you can barely eat, piggy?” asked Sougo, deadpanned.

She now had three empty trays at her side, and was finishing the fourth. It wasn't everyday that breakfast wasn't only rice and egg (but she still had cracked eggs on her rice today too). So obviously, she ate like it was free: it was. She stayed calm until she'd cleared her plate of any food, put the plates and cup on the other trays, and used the empty one to try and hit the bastard.

“Who're you calling piggy, rotten bastard! Breakfast is one of the five most important meals of the day.”

The battle of trays, as Sougo took Hijikata's even though he wasn't done eating, continued for some time, and Shinpachi and Kondo did their best to calm them, feeling their peacemakers' bond strengthening. Hijikata was nursing the plate of rice and mayo he'd saved from Sougo, and finished it.

Kagura and Shinpachi agreed to be taken home, after being given a computer pad so that they'd be able to follow Gintoki too. They had to feed Sadaharu, change and shower, anyway.

They all left the dining hall, and were surprised to see most of the Shinsengumi men, waiting for them.

“Vice-commander!” said Testu.

“What the hell are you all doing here? If you're fit enough to still be up, get working. If not, get some sleep, you're still all on patrol tonight, and we've got hours of recorded footage to watch, if you're that bored! If those options aren't good enough for you maggots, go commit seppuku!”

“Vice-commander, we... we all would like you to have this!”

He was presenting a dark grey guruwa, the neck guard in traditional armors. Hijikata raised a brow, and Kondo started laughing.

“Apparently, someone's spread the word your neck seemed to gather a little bit too much attention,” he explained.

Hijikata glared at Sougo who smiled back.

“I won't take too much credit, Zaki did his part, too.” He smiled humbly, but that turned into a smirk as he saw the mobcop squirming.

Yamazaki tried to be even more unnoticeable than he usually was. As he'd been send on errands several times, he may have said once or twice that the Yorozuya's Danna was really obsessed with Hijikata's neck and always looking at it. Well maybe that had happened every time he'd met someone.

He'd been tired of being ignored, and gossip about the vice-commander was of interest to everyone around here.

“Please, wear it, Vice-commander!” said Tetsu, bowing low. The other men, around and behind him were nodding.

Hijikata took it, his head down, and his fist clenched on it. These guy's...

“F-fine, it's... I'll wear it for the _cool party_.”

The men seemed happy with it.

“Five more katanas would be better, yes?”

“Kagura-chan, that's enough of a rip-off, if he fights with six katana's we'll have to add crossover in the tags!”

“Ah, two, then?”

“Another guy with his voice, but still a rip-off, we can't do that.”explained Shinpachi, shaking his head.

She shrugged. More weapons was always better, but whatever.

They left, the Yorozuya kids and Yamazaki in one car, Hijikata, Sougo and Kondo in another one.

Hijikata had just gone back to his room, and he came back wearing his neck guard hidden under his ascot that was circling his neck but not tied. And he held an umbrella. The moronic perm would need it, he imagined him looking pitiful, under the sun. When Sougo raised a brow at it, he justified it saying the weather report annoucend there may be some rain in the afternoon. Sougo didn't buy it, not even Kondo did. But thei said nothing.

The camera's around the embassy were monitored in real time back at the barracks, and he'd be called immediately, if someone came out, so in the car, Hijikata kept an eye on his phone, to check the tracking device. It had not moved at all for a while.

The car slowed down, in the embassy's street, and a lone shape was still covering itself from the sun, holding a white yukata with blue windy patterns above its head, by the gates. Sougo rolled his window down, resting his elbow partly outside to smirk at Gintoki.

“It's so nice to see you waited for us in the end, Danna. We would have offered a ride, you know?”

“Ha ha ha.” he said, without any mirth. “Why the hell isn't there anyone here? Places like these are guarded, right?”

Hijikata got out of the car. They had obtained first thing in the morning a smart key that would enable them to enter the place, thanks to Matsudaira's help. He opened the gates for the car to get in, and was about to walk back to the car when Sougo pressed the accelerator. Running would have been useless.

“Fucking Sougo.”

Gintoki chuckled.

“Well I was feeling lonely, so that's nice. Now if you could just take that fucking mask off my head, it would be great! People are looking at me like I'm some kind of freak, y'know?”

“You _are_ a freak, sugar addict.” He felt immediate remorse as the idiot hadn't been able to eat any sugar lately. He glared at him to cover it, and handed him the umbrella he held open, to shade him while he put his yukata back. Their fingers touched as he gave him the umbrella, and Hijikata could just see himself taking the mask off.

He cleared his throat, gazing at the ground.

“You don't have a shadow.”

Gintoki nodded.

“Yeah I saw that earlier today. Never noticed, but well I didn't go out in the sun that much, lately... That's really weird. Take the umbrella back?”

Hijikata frowned, but took it, their fingers touching again. Gintoki had asked him for that sole reason, and Hijikata had accepted for exactly that same reason. Nonetheless, the “vampire” thought he was just investigating, while the cop thought he was just being messed with.

Still, the shadow of the umbrella, could be seen again, now Hijikata was holding it.

“That's fun. If I stay like this, I can probably make money out of it,” he said, his fingers closing on Hijikata's. Their heat felt so nice, Gintoki never wanted to let go.

The umbrella's shadow disappeared immediately, but Hijikata wasn't looking at it any more. He was gazing in his eyes, despite two pairs of glasses. Not because of that freakish vampire power, no.

He knew it wasn't _that_ , this time.

“You won't,” Hijikata said, opening his fingers to make him let go. Gintoki took the umbrella and shrugged. They would soon know, right?

“I-Th-the kids will be coming soon, it would have been useless to try to persuade them no to come at all, we could only delay them. I should go see what's in there before they get here.”

“Eh? You're not going to help me come in? I tried flying over and stuff, but it's not working. Don't leave me alone here!”

“You've been alone for a while because you didn't wait for us, asshole. Serves you right.” He passed the gates and turned back. It didn't make a sound, when Gintoki punched the invisible wall with all his might, behind him.

It was so frustrating, and maybe that was the cause of that bad feeling he had, but he didn't like it. Not at all.

Hijikata smirked at him, as he lit a cigarette.

“You're pitiful. Here.”

His hand passed the wall to hold his phone to him. Gintoki took the phone and hand, pulling him to his side of the gate.

“I can make you stay.”

“I can spill some seeds.”

“I really wish you'd do that, I didn't take you for an exhibitionist, but fine with me!”

Hijikata went so red he couldn't even make words for a few seconds, and Gintoki started complaining.

“Fuck, I told you it's so damned hard to ignore when you blush like this! Shit! Hey take the mask of, ok? ” He rested his forehead against Hijikata's cheek. It was so warm, such a great feeling!

“Then f-fucking don't say stuff l-like... Like... Shit! I meant seed's you'd... Sunflower seeds! Keep the damn mask, asshole!” He pushed him away to reach the safety of the gates, passed them, and caught his breath. Gintoki was following his every move, the sharp pang of loss rendering him unable to do anything but stare. He was freezing again. And Hijikata's skin was so warm.

“The last number called.”

Gintoki looked at the phone then back at him with a questioning gaze.

“It's Oukoku's embassy. We're looking for one of their citizens, but maybe if you're invited by phone, it'll work. I-I'll need that back, don't mess with it, asshole.” And with that, the vice-commander took his leave, to catch up with Sougo and Kondo.

“I'll bring it back. Keep your seeds for me!”

Even from the gates, Gintoki watched as he jolted, but he never stopped walking. Even so, he could see his neck and ears redden. Even more, he felt it. His smile was fond, as he looked at him, walking away from him.

Still, he punched again the invisible wall, as uselessly as the first time, but it was somewhat helping a bit at least. He gave it a kick too, for good measure, before he crouched, to call the last number used, grateful for the umbrella's shade.

That made that whole fucking situation a little less shitty. They didn't plan on keeping him outside, they tried to find something to help. Even though he had left.

He'd been aware there would be that problem, but he'd been so sure at least some guards would be around, he had not worried all that much: he'd just have to look into their eyes to get them to invite him.

And after he'd taken a while to try and enter the embassy from the air or walls, he'd gone back to the gates, to stare dejectedly at the absence of his shadow, under the rising sun.

Maybe he should have gone back to them and tried to make it look like he'd never left. But he was getting tired, even hidden under his yukata he'd held above him like a tent, he wasn't all that motivated about going all the way back there. And they were coming, anyway, right? They knew what district he would be in, and from the looks of the rare passersby, he was pretty sure some silverhaired weirdo had been reported to the police.

The street was quiet, and when he heard the sound of another car, after a while, his forehead was bloody, but still, nothing got in the mask he wore, so his mask looked probably even more dreadful. He hoped he was going to be able to get in soon, or he'd be arrested for murder or something...

The car slowed down, and Kagura jumped out of it to kick him in the stomach.

Fair enough.

He hit the wall, and got up, his eyes drawn to the glasses Sadaharu wore. He knew there would be a knot, and like an idiot, he had to look. But this time, there was a rubber-band holding the ribbons together, and he could ignore that easily.

“You didn't wait for us, shitty adult!”

“I was bored! And I'm waiting now, ok?”

“Just because you can't enter, right, Gin-san?”

asked Shinpachi, as he got out of the car.

“And I hit you in the belly, but your head bleeds? Why!? You harassed the mayora again?”

“Hey hey, it's the other way around! I didn't harass him at all, it's his blood that's harassing me! I'm the victim, here! S'not him anyway, its...'cause I'm waiting for an invitation. Those assholes keep putting me on hold! I haven't talked to anyone yet, only had a fucking automatic message telling me someone would take the call soon, but there's no one answering. I fucking hate those things! You'd hit your head against a wall too if you heard Katoken Samba this many times!”

Kagura and Shinpachi turned their eyes to the wall, where a bloody trail could be seen, and looked like they really were done with him.

“Oh well good luck with that. Let's go kill some shitty bats, Sadaharu!” she said, in a cold voice.

“Hey hold on there, Buffy!”

Kagura looked down at him, smirking.

“It's so sad, those unpopular types who wait at the gates! Get invited to the party, then you can say something, yes?”

She walked past the gates while Gintoki gritted his teeth. That kid was fucking harsh when she wanted to.

“Yamazaki-san, it's not that far, right? We can leave the car here?”

Yamazaki scratched his head, nodded and parked the car near the gates. It was only a few minutes on foot, to reach the main buildings, so not that much of a problem.

Shinpachi smiled at him. He was a bit angry at Gintoki, too, but he'd expected it, and he didn't want him to suffer that much. Just to understand. Just to trust them.

“Thanks, Yamazaki-san! Gin-san, get in the car, while you wait, you look even more... tired.”

Gintoki looked at the car and nodded.

“I'm gonna kill that fucking stupid prince when I see him.” But after they left, he still hummed Katoken Samba along with the phone. At last, someone replied. It was, again, the irritating voice of the idiot.

“Love and Peace! You've reached the Oukoku embassy. I'm prince Hata”

Somebody was heard saying “the stupid Prince” behind him.

“Prince Hata! It's Prince Hata! If you want to visit our embassy, press 1.”

Gintoki pressed 1, not bothering to hear the other options. He could hear one “Oh yeah”, before he heard again the increasingly irritating voice of that guy. Before that, he'd only heard the song sometimes interrupted by the stupid guy asking him to wait. Just how many people were calling?

“We're currently dealing with restoring our home planet, so it's not possible right away. Love and Peace!”

“Love and Peace, my ass! What the hell am I supposed to press to have someone talking to me?!” He was yelling alone, but in the car, it wasn't as bad as the earlier times when he did it in the street.

But at least, he'd reached something, so maybe these assholes were back from their break? Someone had to answer at some point, right? He called again.

“Love and Peace! You've reached the Oukoku embassy on Earth. I'm prince Hata.”

Again, Gintoki heard somebody correcting it to “the stupid Prince”. Whoever he was, Gintoki liked him.

“Prince Hata! It's Prince Hata! If you want to visit our embassy, press 1. If you want to know about our history, and current royal line, press 2. If you want to bring us some cute animals we'll take good care of them and you can press 3! If you're a citizen in need of assistance, use online formularies. If you want to signal abandoned cute animals, press 4, we'll rescue them. If the animal isn't cute, press 5, there is cuteness in most of them.”

“That fucking idiot cares more about getting cute animals than about his citizens in need!” yelled Gintoki. He pressed 3.

“Please bring them to our planet directly. We have ships prepared for that purpose. Present yourself at gates...”

Gintoki hung up, and it took everything in him not to break the phone in two. He tried again, 4 this time, though 5 probably led to the same message, he thought.

“You want to signal cute animals? What are you calling cute?” Then there was a list of characteristics. Things that were cute according to him, described at length, and Gintoki felt like laying on the street, under the sun. He was so _done_. After way too long, it didn't seem to get him anywhere and he tried again, pressing 5 this time.

“There is cuteness in nearly all animals! You won't be welcome to our planet, with that attitude!”

And the click made it clear the automatic answer was done with him. His hand gripped his bokuto, hard and yelled.

“I'm gonna kill him! And roast him! And feed him to whatever cute animal who'll want it!”

A young woman, in a turquoise kimono decorated with white and purple flowers, passing nearby, turned her head to look at the car and frowned. She hurriedly put her hand in front of her kids' eyes, as a silhouette was going up and down, making the car move energetically. In a police car, no less! Shame! She pushed the stroller, with a disapproving glare at the car.

In the car, Gintoki resolved to try again, having let out part of his frustration by yelling and punching and jumping on the seats, just enough so that if he met the stupid prince now, he'd merely kill him, and wouldn't try, to let's say, see if it was possible to make a tie with both of his dicks... Or did he even have one down there too? Damn, that wasn't something he really wanted to think about. Even less picture in his brain, no, brain, stop! Stop it! Make another call! Concentrate!

“Fine. I'll listen to your fucking list till the end, asshole,” he said, trying again to press 4. He was going to rip that forehead dick, the next time he saw him. Then he'd boil it, and make him eat it. Damn, it was the mask, right? He wasn't turning into Dr. Lecter, right?! Shit, he didn't care anymore. He'd do it. _If_ he finally was able to reach someone. If he didn't, he'd fucking kill him. Slowly.

He held his knees together, feeling like crying, when at last, the voice said “if the animal presents one of those characteristics, it is indeed cute, and needs to be protected.”

Gintoki stayed still as there was a pause. He held his breath. He hoped, he hoped, and...

“If you've seen such a creature, press 1. If you've taken a photograph, press 2. If you want a photograph of it with me, press 3...”

By that point, Gintoki was gripping his bokuto hard again, and hitting his head on the back of the head rest. His yells could be heard from outside the car, but there was no one around.

“... If such a creature has escaped from the embassy, ah... Sorry. Treat them well and signal it to the local police force. If it was harmed, it would be considered as a diplomatic incident, please take note of it, if you try to help in bringing them back home, you can bring them directly to the embassy.”

Gintoki looked at the phone, his half-lidded gaze and bloodied eyes waiting for something more, as he tried to lessen his urge to kill something, anything. But the phone was silent, and he needed to press something before...

“We didn't understand your choice. You want to signal cute animals? What are you calling cute?”

And it started again with the list of what was cute or not.

“No! No, you fucking stupid idiotic dickhead prince!”

Gintoki's fist hit the car seat.

“Ah but wait. If I can bring them into the embassy, I can enter right? I'm bringing a bat in a way, and Kagura said I was cute, so I'm invited, right? Right?!!”

He opened the car door and walked resolutely to the gates. Nobody had bothered leaving him a smart key, but as long as the invisible wall had disappeared, he'd be fine. He closed his eyes, passing his hands through the gates.

“Yes! Oh yeah! Haha! Hahahaha!”

He cackled like a madman, alone, for full minute before he could calm down and go.

He climbed the gates with ease, not really wanting to turn into a bat. That fucking idiotic automatic message had held him over 3 hours, it was a little past 13, according to Hijikata's phone. He closed the phone, it's battery was in the last quarter, and he put it in his pocket, running towards the buildings, still hiding under the umbrella.

It was awfully quiet. Too quiet.

He wasn't halfway to the main building when the phone rang.

“Huh, Yorozuya Gin-chan, yeah? Ah, no, that's not my phone... Uh V-bang central, yes?”

“Y-you? Aren't you a vampire? Where's Kagura-chan? What the hell are you doing being turned to a vampire when she's in you care?”

“Ah. Baldy. What do you want?”

“My hair are growing back as we speak!”

“Right, sure, I'll tell Kagura sometimes miracles do happen, and sometimes, people are just delusional.”

He heard the sound of something breaking and was glad it was a phone call.

“Did you find the cure?”

“To baldness? You have to have strong hair genes, that's-”

He frowned looking around. There was no car around. He circled the building, and spotted it, farther, near an older building. There was something weird about the roof. He ran that way.

“To vampirism!”

“Oh, yeah. I was on my way to to just that. Kagura's somewhere around playing Buffy.”

“I'm on my way to Earth, I'll rip your balls if she becomes a vampire. Ah but she'd stop growing, and she'd probably never marry then, it's not that-”

“Oi, overprotective dad,” nevermind the fact he could see merits in the idea himself, “that's a cop you were calling. What did you want? I'm kinda busy here.”

“Ah yes. I contacted other hunters, to know more about vampires. There's indeed a chance you could save yourself, if she drinks your blood again, and you have convinced her, she can suck the parasite out of you. It'll stop changing your blood, and you'll get back to normal after about two days.”

“That still sounds pretty gross but fine, she'll do it.”

“There was something else I wanted to you people know. The glasses will protect you, but-”

He stopped running as he reached the police car Kondo and Sougo had used. One of the car doors was on the ground, and the roof of the car knocked in, as if something really heavy had landed on it.

“Fucking Stupid prince. What the hell is he keeping in here?”

“Eh? You said something?”

“No, no, I'm listening.”

He wasn't.

It wasn't the vampire. She was strong enough to do this, but he was positive she couldn't get out in the sun.

“The glasses will protect you from their hypnosis, but...”

Gintoki heard a soft sizzle, and raising his gaze, saw a ray of light coming through the umbrella. Something had pierced a hole in it, and was still opening a larger hole, like it was being eaten by acid. Gintoki gulped, and not moving the umbrella at all, moved his head to try to see what was above him, probably on the building's roof.

As he saw it, he immediately went back under the umbrella.

“Ah. I think I'm gonna have to call you back.”

As soon as he said it, a large, dark greenish wolf-like creature fell exactly on the spot he'd been one second before. He dropped the phone to parry a blow from something that looked like a furry rotting leg, and he kicked the phone under the car, as it was going to be crushed. Acid splashed as something heavy landed in the umbrella and he protected himself with it, but it wasn't going to work twice, as the acid ate most of the umbrella. The sun burnt him, and he heard from the inside of the building:

“Don't come in, Gin-chan!”

“Like I'm gonna stay out with this!” He yelled as he broke the door open, pushing it back closed as soon as he was in, expecting to hear the thing ramming against the door.

Instead, he felt something ramming into his face and gripping it, so suddenly the back of his head hit the door.

“Shit there's one on Gin-chan!”

Sougo's sword grazed Gintoki's face sinking through some kind of arachnid creature. Gintoki could feel it's legs circling his head, and gripping tightly. Sougo shook his sword strongly and immediately wiped it with a piece of cloth.

He turned his bored gaze to look at Gintoki.

“That makes an even more impressive mask, dissolving like this and with all that blood, but you should probably take it off.”

Gintoki glared at him.

“I can't, you bastard! Get it off! It's starting to burn, shit, the hell is this? Get it off, get it off now!”

Sougo complied. While it was fun, he didn't really want to see his face dissolve too. He touched the back of his head, releasing the small goblinoid Shikigami that had held it sealed, and that no one but he could see, as Seimei had granted him the power over those, while Kagura was finishing another of the arachnid things.

Finally breathing correctly, Gintoki allowed himself to enjoy the feeling for a second, the other two staring at him, as some drops of acid had burnt his face, but the wounds were visibly healing.

“What are those things?”

“Ask that idiot here.”

“It said “Treasure room”, of course I had to open it!”

They started arguing. Apparently, a piece of paper said “treasure room”, and it was way too obvious it was a trap. Gintoki frowned, and looked around.

The building looked like it had been abandoned for a while, not better that that place he'd been to, as Paako, but his memories were blurry as it was from the first season. Still, the building wasn't looking like an embassy's annexe. Just a traditional manor, with moth-eaten curtains, and loads of dust.

He saw Shinpachi head low a little away from them, near stairs. He looked completely traumatized.

“Oi, Shinpachi?”

The boy raised his head and glared.

“It doesn't look at all like Pandemonium-san!”

“Yeah it does! It really does, when they're on the ground, like a worm thing! They even had disgustingly wiggling legs!”

She wiggled her fingers to mimic those.

“It's aliens, not Pandemonium-san!”

“I'm an alien, you say I look like this?” she asked, forgetting her fight with Sougo to threaten him with her umbrella.

Gintoki looked around. He could feel the vampire bitch not far, but...

“No I say it's a rip off from alien, we even have a mobcop for the droid part! We avoided the six katana's thing only to get into that, we're doomed! We'll get sued! Damn, and Alien is scary!”

“Ah you're right, the woman's the star in it, yes?! Deal. The Queen will rule!”

Shinpachi was going on and on about the tags that didn't say horror, nor crossover, and that should be added, right?

“Oi, don't get too excited, Ripley, choose between that and Buffy, at least!” said Gintoki listening outside, but the wolf-thing didn't make a sound.

“It's already vampires and aliens, so I get to be both!”

“Sure, fine, Buffley, where are the other idiots?”

Kagura turned to look at the stairs. Shinpachi did, too, worriedly.

“There wasn't anything here, so we went down, and found the Shinsengumi fighting those things and a big wolf that looked...”

“Rotting?” supplied Gintoki with a shudder.

“Yeah.” nodded Shinpachi. “And we were divided as those things where flying every where, we came back up. They're still down.”

Gintoki scowled.

“That pet semetary thing is outside, let's get down.”

“But what if it goes in the city?”

“Hijikata-san said you'd have his phone to call for back up.” noted Sougo.

“Ah.” Gintoki smiled. “Sure. The phones' under the car, you can go get it.”

Sougo eyed the door and shrugged, as he started to walk towards the stairs. He'd let his fall in the car, when they were attacked, too. It wasn't like he _wanted_ to obey orders. And that only meant they had to kill every thing that moved in there. Fine with him.

“Down we go, then.”

“Gin-san!”

“It's fine, Shinpachi. Those alien thingy are something else, but that thing outside feels like the bitch's pet. It'll stay here.”

“How do you know, Gin-chan?”

“I'm not sure. Just a feeling.”

He didn't wait to see if they were convinced or not, and followed Sougo down the stairs. They were attacked again by arachnid things and both Gintoki and Sougo hit them, sending those flying, and crashing against the ceiling.

“Homerun!” yelled Kagura, and she started batting too, it was her turn. She used her umbrella to send one to squash against the wall. Homerun was just about hitting stuff very strongly, she thought.

“How many of those did you kill already?”

“The door that was to stay closed said “nursery” behind the _obviously fake_ paper covering it. We killed maybe 30, but there were at least twice that number of eggs, from what I could see,” said Sougo, his eyes following one on the ground, that was quickly crawling behind them, like some kind of worm.

He killed it as Shinpachi was staring at it, smiling, while hearing a romantic song in his head.

Shinpachi shook his head. Now she'd said it, it was obvious he'd think about Pandemonium-san, but they didn't look like her! Not at all!

“They don't look at all like her!”

“They look a little bit like her, Pattsuan.” Said Gintoki, eying one of the things' corpse, patting Shinpachi on the shoulder. “Please tell us, if you get turned on, we'll give you some privacy.”

“Shut up! You always have something nasty like that in mind! I don't... She...”

His gaze went down. He was not turned on by those things!

“It's better to squash them away, their blood's quite corrosive,” he said, swiping his sword again, wondering what the hell they were talking about. He smiled. “Maybe they got rid of Hijikata-san.”

“I hope Sadaharu didn't try again to eat some,” said Kagura, who for once didn't even consider trying those.

Gintoki made a face. Considering what their blood did to the mask, he'd be rather glad too if he didn't.

“Well that's not much of a bat cave.”

“Not even like a normal cave,” said Shinpachi, looking gloomily at what was left or an arachnid.

Gintoki looked around, and indeed, walls were made of some kind of metal, eaten by the arachnid's blood, where they had crushed some. Clearly a constructed room, like a ships.

Sougo looked up.

“More like a ship, yeah.” He tapped on a pad, near the door and it closed.

“Where was that door you opened? And where are-” He looked at the door locking them in, and jerked his head the other way, already starting to run.

They then heard the sound of fighting and Sadaharu howling loudly, and the sound of an explosion.

They ran.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to *unforeseeable* circumstances (and a freaking long phonecall), it wasn't possible to have much of the action here.  
> Sorry. *bows head low* I'm sorry, they're sorry, we're sorry. Baka Prince is not, but that's because he's especially stupid.  
> Happy birthday, Gin-san! Ah but birthday boy is not having a nice day here, really :D  
> So I'll wish him a happy birthday in another fic today^^


	6. Mayo & all kinds of sugary treats are thicker than blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plain guys rock!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm I hope I didn't bore you guys, because I could say "And now something completely the same" for this one!  
> 

  
  
  


“Stay down, you loud mutt! Kondo-san, gonna need it like fucking now!”

The corridor's weren't that large, not enough to be more than two side by side, and Gintoki and Kagura were first to come in a large room, past the corridor that led to the nursery room, already filled with smoke.

Hijikata was holding his katana up with one hand, still in its scabbard. His other hand was wrapped in a Shinsengumi jacket to give some kind of protection from the acid, in case he hurt the big dark and shiny alien that was showing him teeth dripping with acid, coming out of its weirdly elongated head. He hit its head trying restrain himself so that it wouldn't burst, and hissed as it's still made acid splash.

“Ready, Toshi!”

Grimacing at the burning sensation on his elbow, Hijikata shook his obviously not protected enough arm, and saw the creature, that had recoiled, charging him again. He raised his sword, but the creature was pushed away by a bokuto he'd seldom been that glad to see.

“Get it in the hallway!”

Gintoki didn't even try to understand why. He trusted him, he did his best, and helped by Kagura, manoeuvred it in front of it. The alien was pushed in the corridor by a bokuto and an umbrella.

“Move!”

They both did it without thinking, and the large metal dining table Kondo had been busy unscrewing was put against the opening. Hijikata took a breath as the creature rushed against it.

“Get on the sides, and hold it,” yelled Kondo, already taking one of the tables leg. He moved it just enough for Hijikata to throw a small bomb behind it, and the four of them held the table against the blast. The sound was the one a regular explosion would have, but on top of it, there was a squishy sound, and they still heard the thing ram at the table. The metal was thinning, already attacked by acid.

“The hell!”

“Oi, Souichiro-kun, you didn't happen to take that bazooka you always have when it's not needed, right?”

“Sorry Danna, it's in the car.” He was looking from a distance at them sweating, hands in his pockets like he had not a care in the world.

Kagura grunted and threw her umbrella at Sougo.

“Don't miss, and don't do anything weird to it!”

Sougo took the umbrella and shot as soon as he saw an opening, while Shinpachi ran behind him to rush at Yamazaki's side, laying where the table had been, with an arachnid creature on his face.

Sougo shot till the table was ripped open by the acid, and when he stopped, the thing was a pile of disgustingly shiny flesh in an puddle of acid, slowly sinking in the metallic floor.

The four holding the table pushed the bits away, leaning them against the walls, panting, except for Gintoki who could have held it easily on his own, had he not been busy staring at that soft looking patch of skin, under Hijikata's ear, the only part of his neck not hidden by his cravat.

“What the hell was that?” asked Hijikata, freeing his arm from Kondo's jacket to look at his elbow.

It was red and really not pretty, but the wound just looked like a nasty burn, it didn't seem to eat his skin the way the metal had been.

Kondo pulled him, with a stern gaze directed at Gintoki, to get him near the shelves and a small kitchen area, on their right, where they'd found some supplies. There were still some water bottles and dried food, here. He took one of the bottles, and pushed Hijikata's towards the sink.

The vice commander tried it, and after checking the water wasn't too hot, put his elbow under repressing a wince, even though it felt good too.

Gintoki was looking at him, but reassured he had no other wound, he checked on the others. His blood appearing under the wound didn't tempt him at all. He was too angry for that anyway, he wanted to get them all safely away from here, and the sooner, the better.

Kagura took back her umbrella, when the sadist threw it at her face, checking it closely in case Sougo had done something to it.

“Dunno. Mama acid-spider?”

“I think the mama exploded with her babies in that room full of eggs.” He glanced at his burnt elbow. “At least I hope she did. The hell are things like these doing here?!”

“Yamazaki-san?!”

“Huh?” Yamazaki looked a bit bewildered, and his gaze stopped at the arachnid near him, that had let go of his face.

“Huh...” He crawled away from it.

“It looks dead, but...”

Shinpachi took a step away from Yamazaki, pointing at him and trying to catch someone, anyone's gaze.

Kondo glanced à Yamazaki, and turned to look at Kagura, petting Sadaharu's head. He'd just given her a water bottle.

“We tried to get him to stop fighting. It was fine against the small ones, he didn't try to bite, and just hit them with its paw, and killed a lot! But the biggies were dripping acid anyway. He burnt his left paw.”

Kagura kneeled near him.

“I told you there are some things only you can do and some things you can't, Sadaharu!”

Kondo laughed.

“He did more than his share! And Toshi protected him, in the end.”

She'd started pouring water on the paw, and she raised her watery eyes towards Hijikata.

“Toshi!”

Hijikata huffed, turning to check his wound. It was obvious the dog couldn't fight it without hurting itself, of course he'd tried to keep it behind him!

“Don't call me that, brat!” And wanting to change the subject, he glanced at Gintoki.

“We need to call back up and make sure none of these things gets in the city. There may be others.”

Gintoki scratched his head and rushed at Yamazaki's side.

“Oi, Jimmy, you're okay? It attacked you, right, but you're okay, right? What a relief, hahaha, you got me really worried there.”

“Danna, please don't fake worry when it suits you!” Complained Yamazaki.

Sougo checked the corridor they came from. It was filling with smoke from the nursery, but nothing seemed to be alive in there. He took several steps and stopped, as he heard Kagura behind him.

“Oi, Yorozuya, my phone?”

“Hum, you don't need back up, you have me! I'll protect you, rest-”

“Who the fuck needs your protection? What did you do with my phone, asshole?!”

“It's fine!” He yelled, and looked doubtful about it, laughing uneasily. “Well I think it is, who cares, it's just a phone! A real warrior don't need that kind o-”

“You fucking moron, you said you'd bring it back!”

They heard the sound of Kagura's umbrella shooting, and Gintoki took the opportunity to flee.

“Sorry, back-up's needed that way, gotta go!”

Kondo followed, telling the others to stay where they were.

“Yamazaki-san, are you... hum...”

Yamazaki got up and smiled at him. His visor was cracked, under the nose, but still protecting his eyes.

“I'm fine, thanks!”

“No, I meant... That thing didn't just drop dead, and...”

“Ah! Maybe it died when its daddy did?”

Shinpachi looked worriedly at him.

“Oi Glasses, what is it?” asked Hijikata, to distract himself from thinking about the possibility there were more of those alive in the other room. They'd used all Sougo's bombs but the one he'd used here, and every flammable thing they'd found in that small kitchen to burn not yet hatched eggs, when they'd been attacked by the two biggies. One they had locked in the nursery, hopefully to die, the other had ran on the ceiling to escape, and they'd fled back to that dining hall for more room to fight.

“Well we're seven, not counting Sadaharu, so the eighth passenger is...” He looked around and shook his head. There were only tsukkomi around. Why did all the boke leave at the same time. Sometimes, they switched, but in this situation... It was going to fall flat.

“Huh?”

“It's a rip-off! One of those thing is gonna burst from Yamazaki-san's belly, Alien is also called the 8th passenger!” he tried again.

“Eh? No! I'm fine! I don't have something like that!” He raised his hands, shaking them and his head.

“Zaki, you...” Was there a point in threatening him with seppuku if his stomach burst? Still, he'd get beheaded too. Hijikata lit a cigarette, as he pondered.

“Gin-chaaan!!”

They didn't have the time to rush to the other room before Kondo, holding Kagura, and Sougo, weapon raised, walking facing the corridor came back.

“Where's Gin-san?!”

“He pushed us away and locked us out,” replied Kondo.

“Doesn't look like there was anything else alive, except for the big one, but there's too much smoke now. We need to find the command room.”

Hijikata nodded grabbing a pot of honey among several bottles. It was better than leaving his arm unprotected or putting cloth directly on the wound, at least, if it really was like a regular burn, it would prevent infection. He wasn't sure how long it would take, before he could get proper treatment. He poured some on his wound, hissing through clenched teeth, and as he looked for something to use as a bandage, Kondo gave him his cravat.

“But Gin-san had a wooden sword, it won't-”

“He's not fighting with it.” said Kondo. “He'll be fine if we clear the smoke out.”

Hijikata raised a questioning brow at him, and Kondo grinned.

“The sooner we find it, the easier it will be for him. We'll see if he unties this when he comes back,” he added, glancing at his bandage.

“Damn. I didn't see any tape,” declared Hijikata, leading the way after a last glance at the corridor. He tested his arm and winced. He wouldn't be able to use it much, or he'd burst the blisters. At least whatever it was, it seemed no more that a regular burn. Hopefully nothing vile was spreading in his blood and he'd cooled the burn long enough, he thought. The honey should help.

Gintoki panted against the wall. He had nasty burns that hurt like hell, but they were healing already. His yukata was ruined, though, and he barely had the strength left to get his claws back in. But those were fucking efficient against that thing, and still looking as sharp as when he'd gotten them out.

All the egg-things were opened or had burst, and there was nothing alive left. He'd had a hard time, fighting blind in the smoke, and coughing quite a lot. Not having to breath, like a dead vampire in the stories would have been practical, but as the smoke had started to get aspired in air ducts, he'd felt fucking relieved to be able to breathe. And he'd killed the thing quite quickly.

He checked the air ducts openings. Maybe they were big enough to fit the small ones. He didn't think any was alive, but they needed to be sure, before they left.

And still, he had another pressing problem to take care of but could only wait for his wounds to be nearly healed, before of got up. A wave of dizziness hit him, and after it had passed, he turned to the door. He'd destroyed the locking pad after he'd gotten the others to get out, grateful for the Gorilla's help. He really felt uncomfortable at the idea of Kagura seeing him as some big clawed monster. He hoped he wouldn't have to show it to anyone else.

He kicked the door open. It took him three tries, but he did it. He didn't feel like it should have been needed, but she'd said he'd get weaker if he didn't feed. He'd need to find the Final Boss soon or he wasn't even sure he'd manage to fight.

He went back to the room they'd fought the other biggie, and saw the remnants of the table had been crossed on the dead thing, that was still sinking under the floor. Not hearing anything, he went forward. There were corridor's on both sides, and the one he was in was continuing further, and getting larger. He stayed on that one, following the faint smell of tobacco.

He entered a large room full of electronics, with many pads on the sides. He ignored it to go down the short stairs, on the opposite side of the room.

And he smiled, as he heard Hijikata's voice. He was speaking softly, so there was probably no reason to worry. The reached an open door, the pad near it casting a faint green light, and it opened to a command room, with the seats occupied.

They all were eating cup noodles, and barely nodded at him as he entered.

“Hey that was quite a fight, you assholes! You could say something at least! Welcome back, or something!”

“Welcome back, Bat-chan!” Kagura grinned, her mouth full of noodles. She had a several empty tins around her, some tuna in a plate nearly finished by Sadaharu, and two smoking cups waiting for her... he counted, to finish her fifth one.

Kondo slurped his noodles.

“We saw you'd killed that thing on the screen, and didn't see anything else, so there was no reason to worry,” he explained.

“And there was food in that kitchen.”

Gintoki glared at her.

“Don't worry, Danna-bat. We found something for you too.”

“Eh?”

Sougo smiled devilishly, and took a bag or rice from behind his back. He held it with an arm, and Gintoki shook his head, rushing at him to prevent him from spilling the fucking thing. He'd just grabbed it when he head Sougo say “woops”.

The fucker had already spilled some behind his back, and sat in a way to hide it. He got up and patted Gintoki lightly on the shoulder.

“Enjoy!”

“You fucking bastard! I'll fucking kill you! I'm really really hungry now, you know? I'd eat anything!”

“We both know that's not true. Now come on, count, count, Dracula-san!”

Gintoki had already started.

“At least, it gives you something to do, Gin-san.”

“Why? 10, 11, 12. The bitch is not here?” He put the grains he counted back in the bag, hoping he'd put it far far out of that sadist's reach.

“She's asleep”, replied Hijikata, turning his large chair to look at him.

He looked so hot in that commanding officer's chair, one of his legs crossed on the other, and with his sleeves up above the elbows. Gintoki's eyes rested on the bandage, and he saw a knot. He looked at the rice, and then at the knot.

Sougo's green counter lit up, and started displaying numbers.

“Ah! Danna's, uh Bat-san's strength is going up.” He followed his gaze to see he was focused on bandaged arm. “I bet he's gonna go for the knot.”

Kagura glanced their way, and looked at him.

“You're wrong.”

“He's strong willed and the rice is closer, and there's more. I bet on the rice!” said Kondo, laughing which made his balls shake and one ended up in in cup. He ignored it and finished eating, before he started drying it with his sleeve.

“Gi-Bat-san, it's a wound, you can't untie it!”

“I _know_! Cut the crap with bat-san, that joke's two chapter's old!” Gintoki was trying to force back his gaze on the rice.

“Okay, I go with rice, too.”

Yamazaki was feeling funny, so he kept laying in his seat, a hand on his stomach.

“Wrong too,” said Kagura, concentrating back on food.

Hijikata looked at her, and then saw Gintoki coming towards him. His hand held his cup tighter, as he saw Gintoki had grabbed a handful of rice, and was still counting it.

And he could see he was trying not to come.

Gintoki _was_ trying not to give in. But he was _compelled_ to get closer, and it was with the utmost care, that he untied the knot, still dropping off rice grains in the bag he'd fixed at his belt.

Unable to stop counting, but unable to resist the knot, and _him_.

When Kondo's ascot loosened, his mouth watered at the sweet smell of honey mixed with Hijikata's. He was unable to prevent his other hand from coming up to Hijikata's neck, but right before he touched it, Hijikata took his wrist to stop it.

Sougo's counter showed an higher and higher number, and with several bips, it lit off, the electronic part feeling too hot near Sougo's ear.

“Ah. Was it strength that was rising? Has it reached it's peak?”

And Hijikata gritted his teeth, trying not to blush because he knew it would make things worse, but he _couldn't_ help it.

“C-count. Go back to counting!”

Gintoki bit his lip. He was so hungry, and the only part of him that wasn't freezing was that wrist, held in the warm, fantastically soft and firm fingers of that man.

He was bending to get closer to that beautiful neck, hidden under a layer of cloth, when Yamazaki moaned loudly, and they all looked at him to see his face distorted with pain.

Something, in his crotch, was moving, getting up.

“Ah Danna, it wasn't you?” Sougo tapped on his scooter to try and make it work again.

“Like hell I'm linked to this! 398! 399”

“Uuunnggghh!” moaned again, loudly, Yamazaki.

“Men are so gross,” commented Kagura, moving several feet away from him, with Sadaharu.

It didn't take a second before his crotch burst, and one of the arachnid things flew out of it, crawling way too quickly for any of them to react, past the door Gintoki had not felt the need to close.

“Shit!” Snapped Hijikata, pushing the wrist away and turning back to the computers.

“Yamazaki-san!”

Hijikata watched the screens to see if he could follow the _thing_ , but it wasn't an equipment he knew. He'd been able to find how to display what some cameras were filming, but clearly not all, as he couldn't check on the vampire woman. He'd also managed to send a message in a frequency the Shinsengumi used, and had no idea if it was received, but something like heat detection, or anything else that would help to find it, that was far too complicated.

Yamazaki coughed, turning to his side, and stopped, panting.

“Y-Yamazaki-san?” asked Shinpachi worriedly.

Yamazaki wiped something reddish around his mouth, and cleaned his clothes from the bits of anko he had all around. He scratched the back of his head with an idiotic grin.

“Sorry! There was something weird in my uh..., but... I felt my robotic parts and human parts were behaving weirdly. That wasn't an anpan, right?”

Kagura and Shinpachi kicked him in the face, while Gintoki was back to counting rice, forcing himself to concentrate on that and not... But he'd inched closer to him.

“Why the hell did it get out of _there_!? How the hell did you not notice!?” yelled Shinpachi.

“Sorry, my body needed anpan as fuel so I was modified to have a hidden stock, in cases of emergencies.”

“You food all along and you didn't say it?!”

“Why do you keep food in your crotch!? Kagura-chan, you can't want to eat that!”

“Not anymore, but it's still stingy!”

“It's not in my... It's in my robotic parts!”

Sougo was eyeing the hallway, and Shinpachi...

Shinpachi now felt it, as he looked at the faces around him. Now was his time to shine. Now he could try it again, and this time, it would work!

“D-damn,” he said, making everything he could to look like he had not tried that earlier. “I knew it! It's the 8th passenger!”

Gintoki raised his eyes from the eyes to glance at him.

“Shinpachi, it's would be the 7th . You're the true 8. Heck, where was I...597? Yeah, ,598...”

Kagura approved.

“Shinpachi, you tried once, but in the end, you came back to the 8th place, he's right, if there's an 8th passenger, it's you.”

The young man glared at them angrily.

“It makes no sense if the 8th passenger is a regular passenger!”

“It's not our fault your character's even more plain now we all wear glasses! Fine, Sadaharu should count for one anyway, or it's unfair! So the anpan-pandemonium-san is the 9th, right?”

“Fine but now stop it with numbers, it's a pain enough as it is! 625, 626...”

“It's not fine! It looks nothing like a pandemonium-san! It's an anpana'uld!”

Hijikata looked at them with furrowed brows, unable to concentrate on what he was doing. He'd just made sure the door out was locked, but he couldn't find a way to track that thing.

“Toshi?” asked Kondo, looking at the screens, but he didn't get any of the controls.

“I can't follow it, but it's locked in with us. What the hell is an anpan-pandemonium?”

“It's Shinpachi's first kiss. It looked like anpan-pandemonium-san!”

Hijikata repressed a wince, feeling sorry for Shinpachi, and judged it wiser not no ask anything else about it.

“Don't call it that, it didn't look like her at all!”

“You kissed something like that?” Soudo snorted. “If its a worm living in a stomach, it's definitely a Goa'uld,” he declared.

“I didn't kiss something like a Goa'uld!”

“Indeed,” added Kondo in a deep tone, his arm's behind his back.

“But it came from his crotch, so...” Noted Sougo.

“Don't say it! That's another movie entirely! Something involving tentacles or stuff! We can't talk about some worm things coming out of a guys crotch!” Yelled Shinpachi.

“Men are gross,” spat Kagura.

“Indeed,” repeated Kondo.

“Stop with the Teal'c impersonation, he's a way too serious character for someone like you!” Yelled Shinpachi.

“Shinpachi, all worms look like worms, but they won't look like dicks if there's no balls attached, we're safe. Or it was a girl? Ah, but Anpan-pandemonium-goa'uld-san is no different, 744. Anyway, I'm fine with making the whole place explode, after the bitch is dealt with, 748, 749...”

At least, he could concentrate on counting, which felt a little bit less dangerous than looking anywhere near Hijikata. If they stopped talking about numbers, that made it _hard_!

“Oi, Zaki, follow it, you're it's mother,” said Hijikata. If he didn't put them on track again, those idiots would continue with this stupid discussion for hours.

Kondo approved, arms crossed on his chest. The last time he'd tried the mother thing, it didn't work, but those two had a real bond in anpan.

“But, but... It could be anywhere!”

Hijikata got up and glared at him.

“It won't attack its mother.” He lit a cigarette, and added: “Probably.” He tried to put Kondo's ascot back on his wound, but glancing at Gintoki, who was now concentrating on rice, and casting surreptitious glances at him, he decided there would be no point.

“Eh? Probably? I can't go alone chasing that on a probably!”

“The vampire's asleep. We have a few hours, till night falls. We need to find it.”

“Asleep? 845, 846...”

“Count silently, it's irritating!”

“It's fucking annoying to _me_! 848! Tell that to the bastard who got rice out! And what the hell do you mean, asleep, fucking 850?”

“Ah, it's true, Yorozuya. We couldn't wake her up, even if her eyes opened.” Kondo turned thoughtfully his balls in his fingers. He really liked those glasses.

“Yeah, Gin-san, I tried shaking her, but it didn't work,” explained Shinpachi.

“I tried hitting her! Then kicking, but nothing.” commented Kagura. She shook her head.

“I drew a dick on her face, and put her hand in water. It's a myth too, she had not peed, last time I checked,” added Sougo.

“What kind of myth were you testing, you fucking sadist! That's not a vampire myth, that's a school trip one!”

“But Hijikata-san, there's a thing about them not being able to cross water.”

“How the hell putting her hand would help in any way?!”

Sougo sighed. Everything had to be explained to that guy.

“Well if she peed herself, she's be in a piss puddle she wouldn't be able to cross, and therefore immobilized. Danna, we need to test it. Please piss yourself.” he said, smiling.

“Ah no, I won't try it, but, 1006, 1007, that's not a bad idea, damned 1008. To try on her.” commented Gintoki, putting his pinkie up his nose.

“Why the hell would he have to piss himself! We have bottles of water anyway! And nobody's gonna try that! We need to get rid of the anpan-goa'uld thing, and get back here before she wakes up.”

“Hijikata-san, it's Anpan-Worm-Pandemonium-Crotch-Goa'uld-san!” clarified Sougo, his tone neutral.

“I don't give a fuck about what we call it, shut up with the idiotic names! Why the hell did you add crotch to that!” replied Hijikata, yelling. “Oi, Yorozuya?”

“1101, 1102, what? It's harder when you talk to me! Shut up! 2103.”

“You shut up, you just added a thousand! Go back to 1103!”

“You fucking shut up! I hate this! 1105,1106...”

“Aah shit, freaking bunch of morons. I'll go with Yamazaki. Kondo-san, this ship's not that big, if you see Anp... _it_ , yell.”

Kondo nodded, and checked the screens. It was better than nothing, even if it showed only some rooms and the entrance.

Yamazaki nodded too.

“You're right, it's too complicated. I'll call it AWPCG-san. That's his given name.”

“It's still too complicated! And we don't give a shit about AWPGC-san!”

“No, AWPCG, Goau'ld worms don't have a crotch, they're the whole dirty thing, Hijikata-san!”

“Shut the fuck up, with Goa'ulds, Zaki!”

“Yamazaki-san, it's an alien rip-off, we can't add too much Goa'ulds now, he's right!” Explained Shinpachi, worrying about the absence of cross-over in the tags.

“It's not about that, damn, I don't care! Sougo, when the idiot is done with his rice, you two try to open the sealed door, behind the woman.”

“Hey who are you calling an idiot!? Besides, it's his fault!”

“Shut up! And where the hell did you leave my phone, vampiric bastard? We need to make sure the message reached the Shinsengumi. Those things _can't_ get out!”

“Huh... well 1156. It's out. 1157, 1157, 1157, with another thing you probably don't want to cross. Under the car. Outside.”

“Shit.”

“But it's not broken or anything! I protected it! 1158 -”

“Ah Danna, you said 1157 three times, so it's 1160, now.”

“Ah thanks, 1161-kun.”

“It's Sougo.”

“No, I meant 1162.”

“Still.”

“Shut up, Soufa-kun! 1163, 1164.”

Shinpachi and Kagura were looking disgusted at the sight of Mech-Zaki's crotch parts moving to appear like it never happened, except for his pants which looked like he'd had a fucking massive accident.

“There's probably suits around, Yamazaki-san.”

The mobcop blushed with embarrassment and nodded. Gintoki turned his head to him, feeling the blood flow, but nope. That wasn't what he wanted. Not his. Concentrate on rice, concentrate on rice grain number 1174, Gin-san he told himself, but he cast a glance at Hijikata's neck.

Indeed, Mech-Zaki found a grey suit, not special in anything, but it matched quite well with his visor, even if it was cracked.

“Fine, we'll see it we find anything useful around. Let's go.”

“Woof!”

Kagura caressed the top of Sadaharu's head, smiling.

“He wants to help, too. It's a small one, so he'll be fine, right? I'm coming too!”

“His paw is healed already?”

Sadaharu lifted it, with a high pitched bark. He tapped the ground several times with it. It wasn't fine, but enough, and even a mascot had to settle scores.

“Fine. Stay here, China. You can help open the sealed door. There may be other big ones behind it.”

She scowled at him and hugged Sadaharu, telling him not to eat the strange stuff.

“Let's get going.”

“Oi, why the wounded ones go on hunt? 2020, 2021... I should come protect your neck too.”

Hijikata glared at him, and took one of the water bottles they'd found in the dining hall, and poured it after he, Yamazaki and Sadaharu had passed the door.

“Leave my neck alone. You can try to come too, when you're done with your rice. I'm not gonna wait sitting idly for hours for that woman to wake up. Sougo. Get that idiot to try and cross this. If he can't, try to see if you can find if there's a fire sprinkler system, I saw something that looked like it in some rooms.”

Sougo smiled at him. His eye-mask had appeared around his neck.

“Sure. I'm perfectly fine with waiting.”

“It's not nap time, and it's in case it works against _vampires_. Don't use it if it's not needed just to drench us, you bastard! An explosion didn't start it, so it may be deactivated. Half of this ship is useless. Well you can always use the tap in the other room.”

“Toshi, be careful! That thing's fast!”

“Yeah.”

Gintoki met Sadaharu's eyes, and even protected by the glasses, the Inugami understood he was told to protect them. He barked.

And they were gone. Sougo and Kondo were busying themselves by the computers and screens, Kagura and Shinpachi were aligning rice grains for Gintoki to go faster, and Gintoki was still counting, pissed he didn't have everyone in his reach, and worrying because he knew he wouldn't be able to pass that ridiculous puddle. Bah... Something that came out of a Jimmy's crotch couldn't be that dangerous.

When he was finally done, nothing special had happened. Kondo tried yelling to Hijikata, to check if he could hear. Hijikata had made a sign with his hand, telling him he'd heard him. When he tried later, though, he didn't react. He'd have to get out of the room, if it was needed.

Gintoki had tried to cross the threshold, but like the thing about being invited, he felt like there was an invisible wall he couldn't cross. Even flying above the puddle as a bat, didn't work.

He knew it. On his fist day of being a vampire, he'd tried to take a shower. And he'd been able to turn the water off, but had had to use a hair drier and several towels to get rid of all the water. Even then, he wasn't able to move for a while, maybe because the water was in the air, he didn't know. But that, he wouldn't be able to cross. Not for a while.

And he hated it. What were those morons doing away, if he was stuck here, he couldn't protect them if it was needed. He'd ripped a suit open to put it on the water, and Shinpachi replaced it to absorb more, jumping at every sound he heard coming from the hallway.

“They're fine. Nothing's moving around. Go check if you can open the door downstairs,” said Kondo, still focused on the several screens that showed some rooms and part of hallways.

Shinpachi glanced at the screens, and back at the door.

“I'll watch the door here,” he said. They were too busy watching the screens to check if anything was creeping on them in the room. But closing the door when some of them were out were something they all refused to do, even though nobody had mentioned it.

Sougo yawned, and put his eye-mask back around his neck.

“Ah fine. I'll go check if she peed herself, then. I have no idea how any of this works, anyway.”

And he didn't wait for anyone to go to the stairs.

Gintoki and Kagura followed him, to a large storage room, where many machines and computers could be seen, gathering dust.

On their right, Sougo had entered another room. The sick bay indicated a small sign above the door. Gintoki felt like he passed through some kind of veil, as he went in. In there, were several beds, all empty except for one.

The woman who'd turned him into a vampire was laying there, seemingly asleep, but her amber eyes were open. Her right arm was on her left side, and her left one, bent for her hand to soak in a bowl of water. On her forehead, a dick was drawn, and Sougo wasn't gifted with that, it looked like it'd been made by a 10 years old.

All in all, he approved.

She deserved at least that. The rest of her face was covered by a mask similar to the one he'd been wearing, and that made him smile with satisfaction.

He shook her too, just because he had to try it too, and insulted her. But she didn't move, not even an eyelash, and he turned his back at her.

Sougo held a cup to him.

“You like sugary things, Danna, right?”

He'd finished his instant ramen earlier, and some crotch-anko laying there was a real waste, so he had gathered some, careful not to touch it with his hands.

Gintoki raised a brow, taking it, and looked into the cup. Sadistic grins appeared on their faces.

He dumped some of the anko on both her eyes, pressing the cup in, then as it was crotch-anko, poured the rest on hers, leaving the cup on top.

He felt better, now, even if her eyes still seemed like they were following him, despite the fact they had not moved at all.

Kagura was already trying to kick and push a door, on the far side of the sick bay. He went to help her, and even with his superhuman strength, couldn't get it to move. After a while trying, he put his hand on the door, and tried to feel it, the way he'd felt the wolf-thing outside was linked to her.

“It not... Well it's a door.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious,” said Kagura, catching her breath as she'd used all of her strength to get it to open.

Gintoki hit her lightly on the head, and she protected it with her two hands, while Sougo on the other side of the room, was doing gods knew what.

“I meant it is, but there's something of her's on it. Or in front of it. Like the wolf-thing outside, I can feel it's linked to her, but I don't know how to open it.”

“You're useless, Bat-chan.”

“Hey, that's harsh! Way too harsh, okay? Stop it with the Bat-chan thing! Gin-san's not used to being a vampire, it's not his fault!”

“Well at least, you get cute as a bat. Turn into a bat, Sadaharu's away, so we need a mascot, in the meantime!”

“You're a...” he started yelling angrily and stopped, his mouth hanging open, looking at the wall above Kagura. “Ah, but maybe the air ducts. I could probably get in those, as a bat, right?”

Sougo walked their way.

“You can fight, in your bat form?”

“Hum....”

“That thing is probably hiding in there.”

“Oh yeah.” He didn't really feel like trying anymore.

“Well alien-Anpan-Worm-Pandemonium-Crotch-Goa'uld-san vs Bat-Yorozuya could make a good next episode to alien vs yakuza. Take a camera with you if you go!”

Gintoki cleared his throat.

“Okay, so we wait for her to wake up, and she'll open the door, that's great too. I'm fine with waiting, Gin-san's all about reading quietly with Jump, there's one around, right?”

“I'm still a bit peckish, we left some noodle cups, yes?”

“You glutton will be hungry till there isn't anything left, and even then, you'll cry about being hungry, piggy. Go to the crying part, it'll be entertaining at least.”

“That's being healthy as a growing girl, you dimwit! Girls need fuel!”

“Fine, there's crotch-anko on a vampire, it's like sushi on a naked woman but more stylish.”

“I won't eat that, you gross bastard!”

Gintoki didn't stay to witness their fight. When it started like this, he knew where it went, and he wasn't interested right now. Not while the others were looking for that fucking worm thing. He went back up to the control room, but there was nothing more to tell. He could see Hijikata, Sadaharu and Jimmy walking and looking around, opening cupboards and trying computers, but nothing much.

He didn't want to be bored to the point he'd miss counting rice, but... He wasn't gonna dry the floor just to go with them. That would be lame. Yet, he wanted to.

He played with his claws, getting them out an in, out and in again, sitting comfortably in the seat Sougo had used, earlier, to watch the movie showing a Jimmy, a giant dog and a way too handsome guy for that kind of “B” movie, exploring a ship prudently like they were expecting something to jump on them.

He himself had a fright as several flexible pipes fell on Hijikata, when he opened a cupboard door, or when he'd jumped at something he'd heard, probably, as he looked like he was yelling at Jimmy, but they couldn't hear them. It took a while, and it wasn't the greatest movie ever, clearly, but Gintoki enjoyed looking at him.

“You don't happen to have popcorn? Ah but you're the type who'd have only bananas. Fine, Choco Bananas are good.” He needed to at least try to look like he wasn't worried.

Kondo smiled, but he didn't take his eyes off the screens.

“There's some dried meat, but that's probably not raw enough for you.”

Clearly, that change in Gintoki had made him interested in _his_ blood, when he wasn't that close, he couldn't really put that only on the vampire thing.

He'd liked him for a while, and enjoyed their fights, whenever their paths met. But there was more. Now that he was so worried, now that he'd barely been able to resist the lure of him, he was obligated to admit that the lure had not been bloodlust only.

Of course, that was a thing.

But now he had some time to do nothing but think about it, he was able to admit to himself that he was into his blood only because he wanted him, and only him. Not the blood only, no.

And not only lust, either, he thought, as Hijikata looked angrily at Yamazaki.

Though that too, was obviously a thing.

The mobcop had opened a cupboard, in what was looking like a large bathroom, and made some stuff roll down on the floor. They were jumpy enough to point their weapons at those.

Gintoki had been so hungry for a while that even animals blood felt like it may be something to try. Like people starving would eventually let go of morals to try whatever was available. It felt like that with him.

The only blood he wanted was Hijikata's. Other peoples' felt like it was something he could eat, but shouldn't and wouldn't. And the rational part of his mind, the human one, knew that Hijikata's too, should be in that category. The couldn't and wouldn't eat kind. Any blood at all, was...

But Hijikata's was special. He didn't understand why, except for that peculiar way he felt about him. That wasn't a thing that was limpid as it should have been. The way he thought about people in general. About him in particular.

He knew he'd always be weird about family ties. He had made his. Invented them. Created them from scratch. He didn't know of anyone that he could have called family, not if it was something that had to be about blood.

Not that they had all died, maybe they had, but he didn't have the slightest idea. So Shouyou had been his first impression of what a family was like. And recently, he'd felt something like family ties to so many people in the Kabuki district he'd felt really blessed. He felt the same thing towards many people of the Shinsengumi, even though he'd never really liked the police.

He'd never felt the same about Hijikata, not exactly. For a long while, he'd felt closer to him, and he just... liked him? Desired him? Or something else? Something more? He wasn't really sure he could face that yet.

He watched as Hijikata nodded at something Yamazaki was saying, and even with only that, he felt jealous. Like he was missing something.

He couldn't deny the attraction. Both to his blood and his body.

And his fucking magnificent face. He didn't even remember the last time he'd thought about something being magnificent, but what else could he say about that guy? It was annoying, really, not something to admire! It was unfair! And he really wasn't a guy that would match with him.

Gintoki felt he was too permy, too poor, to unrefined to match that guy. Even if the asshole had said himself he was no more than a country no good cop, in Gintoki's view, he was so much more.

He smiled at his image, on the screen. Hijikata was listening to something Yamazaki said and the mobcop was yelled at and punched in the face. Then Hijikata walked to a vent, saying something with an angry face, and he tapped the wall, near a vent, with his sword, while Jimmy and Sadaharu were focused on something that wasn't visible on screen.

Gintoki didn't recognize the room, but stood up, as one of the biggies knocked Hijikata against the wall.

It wasn't looking exactly the same as the ones he'd seen, but it clearly wasn't friendly.

“Where is this?”

“I think it's the room facing the nursery.”

Gintoki tried to run there, but even if some or maybe most of the water had been absorbed, he couldn't pass the door. He punched the side of it.

“I can't get through! Fucking shitty invisible wall! Fucking idiot, why the hell did he do this?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o/ Congratulations, Zaki! It's an Anpan-Worm-Pandemonium-Crotch-Goa'uld! \o  
> ... Or sorry, I'm not sure, really, you guys decide!
> 
> And because I'm an idiot, a half-chapter interlude coming thing next!


	7. Don't do idiotic crap to use a tag just because it's trending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You probably need to watch this again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOUi3uPC3Vc even if you had not realized it!  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And now something completely different"
> 
> aka “When you don't have anything to do during lunch break, just doing nothing is fine! Please do nothing you idiot! I'll give you 3 €”  
> Part 2 is aka “Tribute to opening 8”.  
> 

  
  


Gengai scratched his head, and wiped thoughtfully his glasses, head low. He was a fast worker, but you don't do good engineering in a rush. It needs care, and time. It needs a bright mind to pause, and consider possibilities.

His workshop was a mess, from the many tries he'd done, during the night. Those filters were really interesting stuff, he'd never considered using silver threads that way. It opened many possibilities.

Of course, given the detailed specs he had been given, it had taken him no time to prepare the filters perfectly. He didn't have any doubt that they were working properly. Really, the only thing that had taken time was the kids. They'd taken quite a while to get the glasses he'd need, and it had taken him some time to properly color the filters, so that they were completely invisible to the naked eye, and kept their properties without impairing the wearer's sight or the glasses' protection to the sun. They'd brought sunglasses, after all.

He stretched, ordered his notes, and let them on the desk, an open folder branded “0433845” on the top. He had to get some sleep, and work on this some more. Adding a soy sauce dispenser to glasses was quite technical, as you don't want the glasses to get heavy. Far harder than adding lasers or weapons like that. For some, it was easy, but he needed to think a bit more, for the others, just in case they came back for more. He yawned.

But sleep first. He could try many things later, as he'd get paid for this: for once, Ginnoji wasn't the one asking, and he was sure the Shinsengumi would pay.

File 0433845 – Soy sauce dispenser v.4.146 _ Sunglasses 1-4

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/ltm1.png)  
[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/fbqu.png)  
[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/1cpp.png)  
[](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/gbfg.png)

****************

[ ](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/75ij.png)

****************

  
  


The plain guy who'd been dragged out of his bed by a Shinsengumi robot yawned. He'd spend the rest of the night in a hostess bar, and probably had used more money than whatever he would get for the job. Oh well. That had been thrilling, in a way. That man had eyes... Two of them. He frowned, trying to remember them, but he didn't. He sat on the couch, with a large mug of coffee, and remembered he had doodled, after coming back home drunk out of his ass.

He'd been told the guy was a vampire, and those Shinsengumi freaks had exposed him to his hypnotic gaze... Should he fill a complain? He eyed his drawing. Nah, they did bring in some work, after all. And they were all wearing weird glasses and stuff, he wasn't sure it's be a good idea to get on the wrong side of those lunatics.

He signed the shitty drawing of what that guy would look like, if he really was a vampire, with the fake name he always used, when he worked for them, and fell asleep again on his couch.

[](https://zupimages.net/viewer.php?id=20/42/f02i.png)

[Drawing by Alan Smithee – commissions open. You can place orders [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Smithee)]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha there ya go!  
> The trending tag in question is the “Illustrated” (or variations of it) linked to https://archiveofourown.org/collections/ginbdaybash2020 . When I stop doing shit like this, I'll take some time to read, too! It's great to have events like these! :)  
> I probably don't need to say the illustrations are, well, can only be (thankfully!) way better than these from what I could see on twitter^^  
>  And shit, the logo was made only with memory and the one in the opening, it's not my (nor Alan's) fault!!
> 
> Aaand next time we get closer to the end & I'll be less of a troll (just a little)! See ya (if I didn't make you flee already :D)


	8. Anko is thicker still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The power of anko... a force from above... yadda yadda yadda, Make anko your goal... Keep the vampires from your door...  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm feels like the kudos number should be in negatives, now, because Zaki did show his crotch and there were no mosaics! And other nonsense... Hahaha! Dunno if anyone's still reading this, but it ends next time!  
>   
> 

  
  


He went back to the screen, and Kondo ran.

Gintoki clenched his fists, as Hijikata rose up from the floor, and the thing was closing on him.

He smiled and said something Gintoki couldn't read on his lips, before he lit a cigarette. Some lunatic smirk he had, and Gintoki loved it, even though he was scared for him. When the thing got close to him, he raised his mayo lighter, and took out some kind of aerosol to use it as a flame thrower. It workedFfucking don't, and the thing ran away, Jimmy on its feet, as Hijikata was pointing for Sadaharu to what he guessed was his way.

Gintoki's two fists were on the sides of the screen, but he lost them, as they followed it into corridors that weren't on screen. He looked again at the suit, but there was still a bit of water under it, and glared again at the screen. Shinpachi was frantically trying to dry the floor, but it was mostly dry, and if he couldn't pass that...

Hijikata appeared in another room on screen. He was looking at a door, holding his katana in his right hand, while his left, with the harmed elbow, was hovering near the katana's handle to at least look like he could strike with both hands, though Gintoki knew he couldn't.

But Yamazaki seemed to be yelling something, and the thing stopped, when it'd attacked Hijikata again, turning its head towards Jimmy, its long, dark and eery hand gripped on Hijikata's neck. That infuriated Gintoki so much his claws made scratches on the panel.

That neck was _his_!

He turned again and got to the door, but even if Shinpachi had dried it, the invisible wall was still there, and he punched and kicked it as Shinpachi was looking at him helplessly. But the boy turned his head to look at the screen, and his lower jaw went down, hanging open, trembling.

Gintoki turned to look at it as a second set of jaws appeared from inside the creature's mouth, and while acid didn't seem to drip from its whole bodies, like the others, those jaws were dripping...something that even on screen looked foul. The smaller jaws grazed Hijikata's left cheek, as he'd bended his head on the side, while he was trying to get his good arm free of the things other hand, and managed it, as the thing started at something Yamazaki yelled, fighting to get closer, but that thing was using its long tail as some fucking sword-master. Sadaharu bit it's leg, and jerked away immediately. He started using it's paws, and Hijikata, his good arm free, turned the aerosol up, and aimed it at the creature's face, grimacing when he moved his arm to get his lighter to work.

A column of fire rose to hit the thing up the chest and head, and it let Hijikata go, after hitting it strongly enough to make his head bounce on the wall. Hijikata fell against it, stunned.

Yamazaki was still yelling something, trying to get a hit, and Gintoki looked at the screen, feeling like his heart was turned into lead. He hit the console with his fist.

“Fucking shit! Behind you Jimmy!”

There were two other ones, smaller, but looking more like the one he'd killed in the nursery, and one of those ripped the suit he was wearing. But the brown one charged at it, preventing Yamazaki's head from rolling.

Sadaharu had taken one of Hijikata's forearm in his mouth, and was shaking it to wake him up. The vice-commander's eyes were opened, but unfocused, his arm was rubbing the back of his head, one of the creatures walking towards him.

“Wake up, you fucking moron! Wake up _now_!”

Hijikata jerked up like he'd been slapped and patted Sadaharu's head once, as he got up with difficulty to face the two newcomers with Yamazaki, and the other thing, who was now fighting the newcomers too.

Gintoki didn't see Kondo coming still, what the fuck was that Gorrilla doing? Looking for bananas? He yelled.

“Damn!”

He looked around, and saw part of a grill half hidden by some console. He destroyed the console, and ripped open the air vent grill on a wall.

“Get the others, stay together,” he said to Shinpachi, and turned into a bat. To hell with the small thing, if it wasn't one of those now, he'd meet it maybe, but he had to get to them. To him.

Shinpachi saw him disappear in the duct, stared at the fight on screen for a few more seconds before he ran, yelling for Kagura and Sougo, and he was in the stairs down, when he saw _something_ running over him, upside down, it's tail grazing his head. He lifted his head and fell on his ass, looking up with wide eyes at the creature. He lifted his bokuto, with shaky hands, as the thing got its head closer to him and showed him pointy little teeth from a maw in his larger maw, dripping with acid. It was smaller and a bit lighter than the first one he'd seen, but it looked just as dangerous. His eyes followed a drop falling between his parted legs, immediately foaming on the metallic floor.

Gintoki flew blindly in the dark and wasn't hindered by anything but the dust, till he hit another grill, after taking several turns and going up and down. He tried to get through just by rushing at it, but it didn't work, and he wanted to scream. He went back for a bit of momentum and rushed again, only thinking about getting through, closed his eyes, bracing for a painful impact, but when he opened them, he was in a new room. He took his human form back, not realizing at all he'd turned into smoke, by thinking he needed his legs to rush at Hijikata's side.

He had to fight another biggie, and that one didn't stand a chance, as he was fucking pissed. He jabbed at it with his bokuko directly in the maw till his weapon hit the wall and the thing was limp, took his bokuto out, used two claws to clean the acid that had barely enough time to attack the wood, and ran again to find the main corridor. He finally found it when he saw one of those things remains under a big hole. He could recognise near the remains a bit of the table they had used earlier. He jumped up, and found Kondo in difficulty against two biggies, and with the two of them, it didn't take long for the fuckers to join their dead bro.

Gintoki pulled his claws back in, not caring at all about the acid eating his fingers, and ran to the room where he'd last seen Hijikata, followed closely by Kondo.

They took the corridor to the room facing the nursery, and were greeted by Hijikata's sword, but it was an unmistakably relieved expression that lit his face.

He turned to look at Yamazaki, panting against a wall, and started as Gintoki touched his face. He'd come against him in less than a second. Trembling with restrain.

Hijikata could see his dilated pupils even with the glasses.

'Y-Yorozuya, get away.”

Gintoki swallowed with difficulty, and turned away from him, and he hoped his poor thigh would manage to regenerate again. He'd made the claws go through it completely as soon as he'd seen the blood. Less and he'd have not only tasted it. He'd have ripped that wonderfully warm throat to see more.

“C-cover that.”

Hijikata raised his hand to his face and saw some blood on his fingers. Gintoki was looking at his own hand. Blood was on it, too, with a thankfully less potent lure, as it was diminished by the the glasses. Still, he raised his hand to his face. He could find enough will in himself to resist hurting Hijikata, but this...

This wouldn't hurt him, right? This was fine. This felt right. This he had to do.

His fingers were inches from his mouth when Hijikata's fist hit him, making him stumble against the wall.

“It's really not the time for you to give up. You don't drink, lick or even smell blood, you damned moron!”

“Sh-shut up! Tell that to the moron who's bleeding right here.” Said Gintoki. But his voice sounded like he wasn't caring at all, like he wasn't completely there, with them.

Hijikata spilled a whole bottle of water on his hand, glaring at him.

“You're weak enough to lower yourself to this? If you want my blood that much, fucking kill me and get it.”

Gintoki had nothing to reply to that, but he still was staring at his hand. Raising it to his face. Trying not to, but visibly failing.

“For fuck's sake! I'd resist it, you're patheticly weak. Weaker than me, huh.”

“I... I'm not...” But Gintoki didn't finish, as he couldn't help but think maybe, maybe a small drop had not been washed away. He didn't even look angry and Hijikata cussed. He had no idea how _he_ would d resist it, he'd only tried to rile him up. To let his competitive side make him think about something else, but...

Hijikata grabbed his hand, and pulled him to Sadaharu, Gintoki following docilely, now looking at his neck, his claws breaking his skin, on the hand he wasn't thinking about licking, as he tried to tell himself not to give in. The vice-commander looked at the dog sternly.

“Don't make him bleed, we can't have a vampire-dog too.”

Sadaharu barked, and licked Gintoki's fingers. That took him a bit out of his trance, and he huffed.

“You could have done that yourself, at least!” Commented Gintoki, with a not so nasty glare.

Hijikata couldn't help blushing, and Gintoki quickly took his hand away from Sadaharu closing his eyes as he made his claws break the skin of his palms some more, on both of his hands now. If he wasn't cured soon...

“St-Fucking don't!”

“D-don't spout shit like this, you freaking idiot! And check your dog. The brown one's acid isn't the same, but he still bit it. I-I think I saw some band-aids, in that room.”

Gintoki looked at his hand, dripping with water, Sadaharu's drool and a bit of his own blood, from the claw marks he'd done to himself. At least, he wasn't going to lick that. He gripped Hijikata's forearm with his other hand, desperate for him to leave, and yet hating to let him out of his sight.

“Don't go on you own.”

“I have his back, Yorozuya,” said Kondo, who had been watching them from the start, while he kept an eye on the door. He nodded that way to Yamazaki who straightened up to look past the door.

Gintoki pursed his lips, and reluctantly let go to pat Sadaharu on the head. He seemed to know he couldn't bite him, because he had not tried since he'd been turned. He still followed the Shinsengumi guys from the corner of his eyes as they went to the next door. 

“They fled?”

Yamazaki nodded.

“The first one attacked them too. I think its...”

Gintoki turned his face to him. He looked scared, and some parts of his suits were ripped.

“I think it's the one that came from me.”

“Well you did a fucking shitty job raising your kid, mom.”

“But he grew up so fast! I didn't teach him anything! I didn't have the time! I wasn't useful at all to him!” He started crying.

“Hey, calm down, wolf-mother! He doesn't look like a Jimmy at all. And the dad is that arachnid thing? You have shitty taste, Jimmy!”

The mobcop glared at him.

“Well we can't all like demonic vice-commanders, Danna.”

Gintoki blushed, and he yammered some kind of denial about blood and stuff and vampires.

“And anyway, it attacked that brute of a vice-commander too!”

“Ah yeah, but I think that's because he hit me earlier.”

“Why?”

“Well because it's a good kid after all, he's just going through a phase! His daddy arachnid just died! Give him a break, okay?!”

“Not that, idiot! Give _me_ a freaking break! Stop talking like we're in some afternoon soap! It's a fucking horror movie, here! Why did he hit you?”

“Oh! Well,” Yamazaki, all gossip mode, smirked. “It was tense, so I tried to make conversation and asked him if you two were-”

“You were spewing idiotic shit and got what you deserved,” said Hijikata, with a glare that said “don't say anything else or I'll fucking kill you, you idiotic blabbermouth maggot”. Yamazaki could hear it clearly even though it wasn't said.

“But the brown one did seem to protect you... I was right from the start, you should have come back alone”

Gintoki was staring at his left cheek. A band-aid was covering his wound, and another one was one top of it, for the two to make the shape of a cross.

Kondo had insisted on it, as he needed to be protected against vampires. Gintoki didn't feel repelled by it. In fact, he wanted to rip those off and get to his fantastically smelling blood. But he wouldn't. He clenched his fists making his claws mark his paws enough to distract him again, even though his earlier wounds had not completely healed yet. But his eyes went down. He smelled it. His palms and thigh didn't even have the time to regenerate, but damn. It was only a piece of clothing.

He was going to resist it. And stop being a vampire. It really was a shitty thing to become. Nothing good came from being a vampire. Nothing at all.

“The kids?” Asked Hijikata, patting awkwardly Sadaharu to thank him for his help, earlier, yet not completely sure he wouldn't bite it. And he felt Gintoki invading his space, his eyes trailing on his neck as his head went down. He held his arms.

“Yorozuya! Snap out of it!”

Kondo and Yamazaki pulled on his shoulders to get him to back off.

“Toshi, you wiped your bloodied hand against your vest.”

“Shit!” Hijikata said, and he took a step back, to take his vest off, after he managed to free his arm from Gintoki's strong grip. He'd have bruises for a while, yet he could feel Gintoki was still shaking, still trying to resist. He went back to the bathroom he'd just left, and poured the alcohol he'd used on his wound on the vest. As an after thought, he put it in the sink, and lit it. He was becoming a pyromaniac, he thought, with dread.

He closed the door behind him, his shirt out of his pants, from when he'd taken off his vest, and he looked at Gintoki, to see if he was going to try anything else. He clenched his teeth, as he saw his ripped pants, dampening with blood and sticking to his skin. “Just a little longer, Gintoki. Hold on,” he thought, as Kondo and Yamazaki slowly let go of his arms.

“T-the kids?”

“I told Shinpachi to find the others, we should go back.” He wiped his hands on his already filthy yukata, and raised his hand to look at it.

Hijikata cast him a dark glare.

“I swear I'll put that hand in of one their corpses, if you don't stop staring at it.”

Gintoki looked annoyed, but dropped his hand. He had a feeling if he saw his blood again, not only would he not protect him even if he could, but he'd have to rip his legs to stop himself from drinking it. He snorted, as he smelled smoke.

“You burnt it?”

Hijikata shrugged.

“Good call.” He'd totally have went back to try to... what lick his vest? That was fucking embarassing, but he probably would have. A new low, really.

“One fled. Where the hell did they come from?”

“The lower floor. I came from there too, because _some idiot_ prevented me from passing the door.”

“The only imbecile would be the guy who can't cross a minuscule poodle of water!”

“Hey, I'm not responsible for this, I'm a victim of circumstances, as a policeman, you should help me and not be a bastard about it!”

“You're the bastard, fucking moron! And we'dcleared every room!”

“But not the lower floor.”

Hijikata scowled.

“The door we couldn't get to open?”

“It's still closed. But the one we killed earlier, the acid got through the floor, and there was another floor under the air conduct. I didn't see if there were more of those things. I killed one, and with the Gorilla, two others. Smaller than the first we saw, but full of acid too.”

“So at least two are left, and there could be others. Shit.”

Gintoki couldn't agree more.

Kondo crossed his arms.

“Then let's find Sougo and the others, before we clean that other floor.”

Hijikata nodded and followed him out of the room, preparing hairspray and deodorant in his pockets.

“What you wanna be prepared to greet Jimmy's kid, now?”

“Fire hurt the regular ones more, you moron. That's what made them flee. That acid-stuff in their blood may be sensitive to it. It didn't hurt my elbow enough compared to what it did to the floor, if it really crossed through it. Maybe it's less corrosive to organic matters... Anyway. It burns. Moreover, it could do some damage if we make those explode, you idiot, I wouldn't care about bathroom products that much!”

Gintoki was smiling. It wasn't as if he needed to do anything to his hair for them to be perfect. It wasn't as if he didn't smell fucking good already, either.

“Well the Gorilla could use a bit of one of those.”

“Eh? My hair are fine! That's a warrior's haircut!”

“Shut up, Yorozuya!”

They chatted a bit, arguing about Gorilla's smells, and Kondo was wondering if he'd farted in the heat of the fight. Real fighters knew these kind of things happened, and real fighters didn't let it cloud their concentration. They just fought _in_ the cloud.

He was used to ignoring it.

The mood lightened, and they reached the dining room again. Voices came out of it. Well some yelling, really.

Shinpachi gulped, preparing to his fate, or maybe his lack of one.

But before the thing had any time to kill him, he saw the tip of a katana and the tip of an umbrella coming close to his crotch. His eyes rose to see Kagura and Sougo crouched behind the creature, and he heard their grunts in effort, as they violently pulled up to propel the thing behind them, while they made themselves smaller. It resisted, and Kagura grabbed its tail, gave it a vicious pull, at the same time Sougo put his other hand on his katana to get more strength. Then they were running down immediately to finish it. It's body landed on a large computer thing it started to destroy, and they ran back up to the others, as Shinpachi explained what he'd seen, while Kagura was shaking her left hand. The tail hadn't been wounded, so it wasn't acid, but a slimy, clear substance that made her hand feel very hot.

They ran, but didn't see any other creature, and Kagura ran to the sink Hijikata had used earlier, to wash her hand. Sougo checked the doors, and opened the half-empty honey jar. She was talking about how it burnt with watery eyes, to Shinpachi, and after Shinpachi pulled her hand, from the water to check the wound, Sougo grabbed her wrist and shoved her hand in the honey jar.

“Only an idiot would touch that tail with bare hands. There, Piggy the Pooh, as stupid as a bear who puts it's paws in a beehive.”

Kagura didn't feel pain anymore. Anger replaced it, and her hand still in the jar, because it was soothing and felt weirdly nice, she attacked Sougo with her umbrella, while Shinpachi was desperately trying to make them understand they had others problems to deal with right now. But those two were as bad as Gintoki and Hijikata, he thought. He glanced at the dead arachnid thing, feeling a bit lonely. Ah, Pandemonium-san...

Gintoki came into the room first, and saw Kagura, Shinpachi and Sougo, who looked like they'd been fighting too, in the dining hall again. Well they were fighting, still, and Kagura was trying to punch the sadist with what looked like a jar, not in but on her hand.

After the fight, Kagura had made them wait to check if they didn't miss anything she could eat. She'd found dried meat, and she was munching on it, wishing she'd taken more sukonbu, when she saw him entering the room. Her hand felt hot, but not painfully anymore.

She immediately ran to Sadaharu, when she saw him, completely ignoring the others.

After the touching reunion, during which most people glared at each other and threw insults about the fact nobody had noticed there were others, and whose fault it was (nearly everybody agreed it was Hijikata's, and Hijikata blamed Yamazaki), they prepared to get down.

Some fucking red-headed traitor had called him bat-san again, and while Gintoki was peeved about it, it made him remember it was easier to resist the lure of Hijikata's blood, as a bat. So whenever they weren't' fighting, he turned himself into one. It was efficient to fight too, as he would change back in a second wherever he needed to strike, and he was fast. Between fights, he flew around and above them. And he often was to lazy, so he landed where he wanted to be. Usually Hijikata's arm, and a few times, his chest.

Hijikata had jumped, the first time, and been embarrassed about it, but after it happened several times, he almost thought that light weight on him was somewhat soothing.

It took them a while, to clear all the rooms in that lower floor. And they couldn't even be sure some weren't back in the upper floor.

They'd been attacked as soon as they went down. Or rather, as Hijikata was pushed down by Sougo, as they were arguing about who would go first. They fought their way to one end of the ship, took a break and found some containers filled with an oily substance none of them recognised. But it burnt well, they found out, as Hijikata used his makeshift flamethrower in the room. Thanks to that, they were able to burn another “nursery” they found, right under the other one.

While they were covering the eggs with the oily-stuff, they heard some king of hissing, and looked to see another alien-corpse falling through the ceiling. Kagura had barely enough time to open her umbrella and crouch, and she pushed the heavy thing away, jumping out of the way, shaking her umbrella in hope it wouldn't be in a too bad shape. On the ceiling, they could see dark stuff, like empty cocoons. Big. Two dozens at least. And through the hole to the upper floor, could see another one of those, larger and darker.

“They're some kind of insects?” asked Shinpachi, looking at those things with his nose wrinkled in disgust. Kagura shot one of the cocoons to make it fall, and poked at it with the tips of her umbrella.

“Ugh. That's disgusting.”

“I don't know and don't care, as long as none of them get out,” said Hijikata, looking above them at the larger cocoons. They'd killed the two biggest ones already, and over a dozen others, at least. Did they get them all? He felt a small weight land on his back, and stiffened, rolling his shoulder, as he felt Gintoki climbing it.

“Let's check the other rooms,” said Kondo, getting out.

They came closer to the control room above, and a closed door stopped them. Kagura tried to open it to no avail, and she turned to Gintoki.

“Gin-chan, does it smell of a bitch crotch too?”

Several people raised dubious gazes at him; still on Hijikata's arm. He turned himself back into a human shape.

“The other one felt like it was linked to a vampire, I never said anything about a crotch, you brat!”

He still went near it, reluctantly leaving Hijikata's side, and put his hand against it. He felt, albeit faintly, the influence, for lack of a more appropriate word, of the bitch. But it wasn't as strong as on the other side, and with enough strength...

“Did we get rid of all of those things?”

“The eggs are burning. But we could have missed some going upstairs.”

“My... the brown one didn't come back, either,” added Mech-Zaki.

Gintoki shrugged. They'd threaten its mama to keep it calm, if needed.

“Let's see what that room is hiding, then. There shouldn't be more than one or two rooms before the closed door on the other side.”

Hijikata was eyeing the door they'd come from, and after closing it, he moved a cupboard in front of it. It wasn't no stop the biggies, but to hear them come if there still was some left. If they needed to fall back, it would be easy to move, too.

He turned back, as Gintoki was pushing on the door, looking at them all to assess their states.

Sadaharu looked tired, but didn't seem in pain, and all of his legs were on the floor. Zaki was a bit messed up, his suit ripped open in several places. The acid had eaten through the metal on one of his legs, and he was limping, but he didn't look like he was in pain, and seemed otherwise fine. It'd just be a pain to get that repaired. China girl's umbrella wouldn't be of much use against sun or rain, but the girl and usually regular Glasses seemed tired but fine. Her hand was still reddish, but didn't seem burned like his elbow. As for Sougo, he looked like he was enjoying himself more than anything else.

Kondo was fine. His uniform was gross but is was mostly soy sauce from his glasses. It was ripped a bit, but nothing to be worried about.

Gintoki... His yukata had been ripped and burnt by acid repeatedly, but even when his skin was visible under it, it was unharmed. He'd healed already.

Still, Hijikata didn't like it one bit. That guy was reckless to begin with, and knowing he could regenerate, he was sure he didn't care that much about being hurt, yet the pain had to be real too, judging from the way he could feel his elbow throbbing.

But at least, it had not led him to take more than he could heal. Yet. Would he keep regenerating indefinitely, even without feeding?

Hijikata was sure if that guy felt it was needed, he'd take that kind of wound without a second thought. Fucking idiotic asshole. He really hoped they'd killed all of those things.

Gintoki kicked the door open, and entered. A fight started as soon as he did, and they all went it.

“They're the disappeared-” Hijikata had to parry a katana. A really pretty woman was attacking him. She wasn't strong at all, and he just parried, but there were many of them.

“It's someone from Takamagahara!" Yelled Shinpachi, as he parried a blow from a good looking blond guy.

It was harder to fight without hurting them, but all of them were careful about it, and the fight lasted till the door on their left opened.

The woman, with a dick on her forehead and a Hannibal mask stood threshold. She looked like she'd rubbed some dark-red stuff on her eyes. Some of that disgusting stuff was on her clothes, too. On the crotch area.

“Ah, my dear, you brought friends! Oh and the pretty one, you're a doll!”

Gintoki glared at her.

“Stop them, or we'll have to hurt them!”

“Of course! Stop fighting, my darlings. We all want to get along!”

She looked at all of them, and ended up eyes on Gintoki.

“Leave my pretty ones alone. Even if you brought some, it's not enough to make me grateful, dear!”

“Eh? I didn't brought you anything, you bitch! Make me normal again, and those hosts too! You got them infected too, fucking nympho?”

Kagura glared at the host who fought her. It was way too hard not to really hurt him, and that really pissed her.

“Hosts hosting a host?”

“Hosts²,” declared Sougo.

“Hots²?” asked Shinpachi, staring at the woman he thought was incredibly pretty.

The woman on the threshold smiled under her mask.

“They're not hosts. Uh well most of them were when I met them so they are, but they're not hosting hosts. That would be confusing.” She shook her head, tutting.

“It's far too confusing anyway,” mumbled Shinpachi.

“So they're not hosts² but still just regular hosts?”

The woman smiled at Kondo behind the mask. She didn't look like she had noticed event that, so the drawings on her forehead weren't mentioned.

“Just hosts in my care. Please don't hurt my pets. I seem to have misunderstood a bit how you people worked. Where I come from, the more appealing to the eye you are, the stronger you are. So I tried to find people who fitted my needs.”

She smiled at Hijikata, and her eyes looked so nice he couldn't really feel threatened by her.

“I wish I'd met you earlier.” She turned her eyes to Sougo and then Kagura and nodded to herself.

“Or you. You're strong. I wasn't sleeping. I could see you. Well before I was blinded by...” She glared at Gintoki. “Anyway, it would have been so fast, if I had chosen you from the start...”

“Wait, what do you mean? You didn't move at all, and you're... huh you know what you're wearing?”

She smiled at Gintoki, and her head disappeared in smoke for a second, then she completely did, to come back an inch near his face, as the mask fell on the ground, where she'd been.

Her right cheek was decorated with an arrow pointing down with the legend “sucker” above it. On her left, they could read “blood -” written, to go with the “sucker”, but between brackets had been added “y bitch”.

“You mean this mask? You could have gotten rid of yours too, but you didn't want to learn! The drawing, well... I'm hoping it will make her smile.”

She turned to the right side of the room. There was a bed, and on it, a woman who looked like she was sleeping.

“We'll see, right? What was that gross stuff you stuck on me anyway? This red stuff isn't mine, I stopped having my periods when I became a vampire! We absolutely can't loose blood like this, what a waste!”

“Menopause is normal for an old bitch like you!”

Hijikata glared at her and Gintoki.

“Who care's about that? The hell do you mean? What happened exactly and what did you do to those people, you bitch?”

The woman smiled at him, ignoring Gintoki's jab.

“I really like how feisty that one is. You're sure I can't get him?” She asked Gintoki.

“G-get him?”

“Well.” she lowered her voice, and only Gintoki was able to hear her.

“He's yours. That bond you have... you must had stared in those eyes for days, for him to be linked to you that way.”

Gintoki frowned at her, and looked at Hijikata.

“J-just once or twice. What do you mean, linked?”

“Oh?! Really? Oh I see. You were linked to him before then... Ah. But that kind of chains scare men. I could free you from it.”

“You can?” he asked hopefully.

She started smiling. He punched her in the face, sending her against the wall.

“Then free me of you, instead.”

She huffed dejectedly, rubbing her cheek and eyeing Hijikata, who started blushing. Gintoki made a step towards him, but she stopped him.

“That's disappointing. You know, I chose you because that host told me about how strong you were, even if your company at the time was worrying.”

“What? What company?” asked Gintoki, tearing his eyes from Hijikata to look at her again.

“Oh, well well... You didn't look like you were my type at all, but this one... “ She pointed at the host Shinpachi had been fighting, and Gintoki finally recognized him as the guy who dated Agomi.

“He said his girlfriend thought you were the strongest man of the city. So of course, I went to find you. But that man with you...” She shook her head, her nose scrunched. “Well really, I thought you were the same, at first, and it was difficult to believe you were not worthless too.”

Meanwhile, in a street in Kabuki district.

He'd felt it. He'd grazed it. It wasn't that far, and if he could just dislocate his shoulder a bit...

He sneezed.

His hand was now on the coin, and he pulled it to him, not caring about the stares he was getting, laying like this to get just a coin. He took it to his eyes, and sighed, looking at the sky who probably had a grudge on him. It was a shopping cart coin.

Maybe it was a sign he could get a job there.

Or it was a sign he could put his cardboard home near it to get some money. Whichever was fine, right?

Back under the embassy

“I really thought with those wavy hair and that company you wouldn't be any good, but you fought well, after all!”

“Hey that feels like you're insulting me, you bitch! Leave my natural perm alone!”

“Oh, I wouldn't! Still, if you had not laid your claim on that one... He fought well too, and damn, he's handsome!”

Gintoki bit his lip not to agree. He agreed, but he didn't want to say that out loud.

“What are you talking about? How many people do you need as hosts?”

“Need? Oh, none, really. But I'm still a girl. I like men.” She looked at the sleeping woman on a bed and shrugged, with a seductive grin.

“And women, too.”

They'd been talking quietly for several seconds, and Hijikata was getting increasingly pissed, as were Kagura and Sougo. It was worrying, as she'd gotten rid of the mask far too easily.

“Oi, you guys are done talking? Get him back to normal and put your hands behind your back.”

The woman turned to look at him, and smiled happily.

“Ah pretty one! Some kinky foreplay? Fine, but we still have some stuff to do, yet I do want to spare some time to-”

“I'll be arresting you, what is it with you people and handcuffs, it's a job tool! Just a job tool!”

“Oh, but you wouldn't wear them as glasses, if you weren't into it, right?” She batted her lashes at him.

“Right?” asked Gintoki, smugly.

“Shut up, both of you perverts!”

“Don't you want to be one of us? You'd be eternal!”

“What a freaking perv, or a vampire? Either way: No thanks. Get that moron rid of your curse, _now_.”

Gintoki yelled at him for being called a moron and a perv, though the perv thing he had to admit was kinda not exactly wrong. But still, he was glad he'd asked it directly. It made something in his chest stir.

The woman cocked her head at him, and then turned to Gintoki with a sigh.

“Fine,” she pouted. “Fine. I only needed some strong fighters to get rid of those things bleeding acid anyway!”

“Huh? The room you slept in was opened, but you were scared of them?”

“I was keeping it closed, I let you come to see what you were up to. Those things couldn't get through, but I couldn't take them all on my own, and they're gross, I didn't want to fight them, and dirty my dress. Isn't it pretty?” She only received glares as an answer, but her white dress _was_ pretty. She sighed, crossing her arms. “Anyway, Varla needed more blood to heal. That's why those people are here, and why I had to get help from some people on the streets too. Even when they couldn't take it, I made sure someone got them to get healed, you know!?”

“But they can't wake up! What did you do to them?”

“Oh, well I spread Varla into them. She had to get bored, watching only this! That place is boring, and she'd been locked for so long! And it's fine, when she wakes up, they'll forget about it!”

“How is it fine? They lost several days they won't recover. And what about him?”

Gintoki kept his mouth shut and tried to look unaffected, as he saw how pissed Hijikata was.

Inwardly, that made him smile.

“When she wakes up, they will. As for that one...You're sure you don't want to be one of us? You're strong! We could probably do something about your hair...”

Gintoki smiled at the dick on her forehead.

“No thanks. I want to be me, here.”

She pouted, and closed her eyes.

“Hmm then do your job properly. It's Varla's blood I took, you have in you, and I can take it back, as long as you have not fed. And I can see you didn't. But... There are 2 of those things left. And another one, yet... It feels like it's not the same. Get rid of them, and _maybe_ I'll free you.”

“You fucking bitch, you do it!”

She disappeared again in smoke, and they looked around to see her sitting on the bed where the woman sleeping was laying, and the host² team came around the bed

“They are trying to get out. They carried one of their dead to destroy the door you closed, and it wont last much more.”

“If you know that become smoke and go get them, you're strong enough, you shitty bitch!”

“No! They're scary and gross! And what if a drop gets on me!”

“Women who needs men to do things for them are scum!” said Kagura, glaring at her.

“Or queens, like you, my dear! You're the cutest thing, you want to live eternally?”

Kagura glared at her.

“Not to become an old bitch with too much make up. Gin-chan, she fears acid will let her wrinkled face appear!”

“Hey, I'm pretty and young looking, you brat!” She replied, a vein throbbing on her wrinkle-free forehead.

Shinpachi tried to calm them down, they would get nowhere with fighting, and if they made her angry, she may refuse to set Gin-san free.

“Please all of you calm down, Hijikata-san, you-”

“The pretty one ran that way,” the vampire replied, smiling smugly, pointing at the door to the stairs.

Gintoki kicked her in the face, before he ran outside.

Hijikata had ran to the control room as soon as she'd said they were attacking the door, followed by Kondo. Sougo had sighed in annoyance, but followed too, since Kondo had. He dragged Yamazaki with him and just stopped for a second in the room where she'd been sleeping.

“Shit, it's true!” Had snapped Hijikata, already running in the corridor. Those things couldn't get out. He grabbed one of the deteriorated pieces of the table to use it as a makeshift buckler, and jumped above the hole.

He ran, and reached the first room right as one was passing the door, already going up. He attacked the other one, trying to lure him away for the others to go.

“Get the other one, it's out!”

“Toshi!”

“It's fine, kill it or get it back here! We can't let that thing in the city!”

Kondo went up, followed by Sougo, and Yamazaki, and Hijikata was losing ground steadily. His wounded arm couldn't move like he wanted it to.

And those things were probably as strong as a Yato, on top of the acid problem, and they were fucking fast too, with their long tail they could use as another limb. He landed a few hits, but his katana was suffering, and on the last blow he parried, acid drops flew at him. He had to jerk away, and the thing rammed against him, he barely had enough time to use the table piece to protect him. He noticed he was this close to the hole only as his foot stepping back met the air.

He fell, his head hitting the floor, and when he stopped seeing stars, the thing was above him, showing it's two sets of jaw, dripping acid on the metal piece he still held against him, and he needed to move now or it would be over, going through and on him. He could see his katana on his right, throwing away the metal piece right before the acid went through, and right as the thing was moving to attack, he saw the tip of a bokuto piercing through its neck, pushing it against the wall, but Gintoki hit again and again till his weapon was reduced to the length of his forearm.

He dropped it, as the wooden piece was still being eaten by acid, and used his claws to decapitate the creature in one mighty blow.

Hijikata was only getting up, when he saw Kagura and Shinpachi running towards the hole, as they saw that one was dealt with. Kagura threw Shinpachi on the first floor, and was yelled at for being a brute. She jumped and was followed by Sadaharu.

The vice-commander took his weapon back, and picked the broken bokuto that had rolled near him. He raised his head as he saw Gintoki's boots, and Gintoki softly put his hand over his eyes.

“Your handcuffs?”

Hijikata had forgotten, about them, and he looked down, feeling Gintoki's cold hand, touching his forehead and hair, as the Yorozuya had not moved.

He saw the glasses on the ground, one of the lenses completely eaten by acid. He picked them up anyway, and wiped them with the bit of his shirt he'd ripped to use on his katana. He put them in his pocket, and raised his head to look at the hole.

Gintoki circled his back with his right arm, and holding him, jumped to the upper floor. Hijikata had tensed, and as he'd felt him jumping, he'd gripped his shoulder, still holding the bokuto.

“That's not really something I like getting that close to my neck. You really should think about that other type of wood I told you about.”

Hijikata took a step away, moving his hand but he didn't want to leave it.

“I-It may be used against her, too. There's still one left, let's go!” He was blushing, and looking at the ground, as he couldn't afford to meet his eyes. Gintoki's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Take mine.” He held his glasses to Hijikata, and the man pushed his hand away.

“You may need them too.”

“We'll deal with it if that happens, you need them now, you idiot.” Gintoki pushed him against the wall, and just a taste. Just the feeling of his neck, he wanted to indulge just a little.

“Y-Yorozuya, don't-”

“I can feel your blood flow, don't tell me you don't want it.”

“S-shut up! Can't you see where we are, you fucking pervert? She's here, and she'll cure you, you can't drink blood. Not one drop!”

Gintoki closed his eyes, and tried to resist, but his hand still pulled the untied cravat off, and his face felt something far too hard, this time, and that made him really uncomfortable. He moved away and opened his eyes.

“The hell's that thing! That's unfair! Who the hell wears chastity belts anyway?”

Hijikata finally took the shitty glasses from him, completely oblivious to the enticing heat Gintoki felt when he touched his hand, to be able to see where he punched.

“Fucking moron! Nobody's wearing a chastity belt!”

Gintoki wasn't really affected by the punch and he tried to touch that thing around his neck.

“Shit, it's the same as the mask. Damn. You really didn't want me getting near.”

He was far more, by the sting of rejection. That guy had asked for a spell to keep him away?

Hijikata glared at him, and pushed him away to walk towards the entrance. He stopped, and without turning back, he held his broken glasses out to him.

“I don't want you to drink blood, any blood. Put these on, it's better than nothing.”

Gintoki looked as the glasses, and took the opportunity to feel the heat of his hand again. As soon as he took the glasses, though, the vice-commander started running.

Gintoki glared at his back, but still put the glasses on. Then he ran, and reached the door before him, to spite him.

That fucking bastard.

Hijikata was on his heels, when they got into the dilapidated building, and stopped immediately, as the fight was already over.

The large rotting-wolf was munching on the alien that, they had concluded, had come out of Yamazaki's crotch. That was obvious as they saw anko dripping from it's half-eaten limbs. The mobcop was bawling about the fact he didn't even have time to tell him his name.

Kagura, watching the scene with a finger in her nose noted:

“Him? You saw balls somewhere? Gin-chan said it needed balls to be a dick.”

“Kagura-chan!!” Yelled Shinpachi, appalled.

Yamazaki sniffed, and looked at Kondo, who was patting his back, his glasses' balls swaying.

“AWPCG-kun just didn't look like a she, maybe they're both,” he replied.

“It was part-anko, part-jimmy, it will be the same, when the dog shits it!”

“Kagura-chan!! Tact!”

Kagura shrugged at Shinpachi's yelled remark, while Yamazaki started complaining about what she said about Jimmies. Gintoki got closer too, yelling at her because anko was insanely good, when it didn't come out of a Jimmy. Or a crotch, he added, after picturing it.

Sougo took the opportunity to walk away and smiled at Hijikata, who stood not far from the door. He only needed to get him distracted.

“So.”

Hijikata raised a tired brow.

“You guys are the type to switch, uh?”

Hijikata mumbled embarrassedly, looking away, before he realized he was talking about the glasses. Because clearly, he had pictured himself and Gintoki switching in other circumstances. And it wasn't the first time he had.

He saw his hands coming closer, from the corner of this eyes, and only had the time to utter the first syllable of his name before he was gagged, and the asshole was just as efficient in binding him with elaborate ties, while the vice-commander had a hard time defending himself because his elbow hurt like hell and he couldn't use his arm properly. The fucker didn't hurt it further, but still attached him pretty tightly.

Now Sougo only had to throw him with the woman, have Gintoki follow, and film it with his phone. As only Hijikata would appear on screen, it would make some kind of weird movie, but he _had to_ try it. He covered the man with an old and dusty curtain, careful to let his elbow point to the ground so that it wouldn't be touching the cover, glanced behind him, but they were still mourning or fighting or trying to make the others stop fighting.

Only the dog wasn't, but he was closer to the wolf, and maybe he was trying to make a friend.

Sougo quietly dashed to the car, still in front of the house, and got it back from the car floor, where he'd dropped it to fight the wolf that didn't seem unfriendly at all, now. Right when he got back, the woman appeared in front of Gintoki.

“I can't feel any of them anymore. Even all the eggs were destroyed. Good job, my dear!”

Gintoki grabbed her front and yelled in her face.

“That's gonna cost you, fucking bitch! I didn't get paid at all! Give me money, and take back that thing you call a _gift_ !”

She sighed, and looked around.

“Ah. The pretty one didn't die, did he?”

Gintoki turned his head to where he felt Hijikata was, pushed her away, and walked towards the shape under the dirty curtain. A rope was holding it above the floor, attached to a wooden beam. He closed his unprotected eye to glance at Sougo who was looking far too happy with himself.

Under the curtain, the shape was moving.

He pulled the curtain and threw it away.

“Oh, fucking shit!” He saiad, through clenched teeth.

He immediately started untying the many knots binding Hijikata.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ANufwUPFm8  
> It's been silly from the start, though... But yeah, some more nonsense next week, and then I'm done!


	9. Vampires do suck. Well they want to, at the very least.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fucking Sougo :P

The woman was at his side in less than a second, and he glared at her.

“Leave it, you bitch, those are mine!”

“Oh come on, be a dear and share a bit, will you? It's really a nice nice gift, this! You guys really don't want to join she family?”

Hijikata was trying to get free by himself, and trying to get away from them too, coughing and breathing with difficulty because of the dust and the gag. He tried to yell at that crazy bitch he didn't want to, wriggling all he could.

Gintoki's hand went to untie the gag, and the woman took his hand.

“See? That's one of the many reasons why handcuffs are fantastic! No knots! I know how hard it is to resist, but this one should always be the last, my dear!”

“Shut up, you! And the fuck is this? Can't you have a normal weakness? Silver bullets are fine, stakes alright, whatever, why _this_?!” Still, he let the gag on, because in a way, it was quite fun to him, too. Kinda turned him on, as well, even though he'd rather have that in a more private setting. Also, he had to push her hands away, when knots he really wanted to untie before she did were too close to her hands.

“Ah I really don't know. Here, in this country especially it's annoying, I'll leave as soon as I can! You people tie your clothes with knots all the time, it seems, that was a nightmare! Surely, it is why you don't have vampires around!” She struggled with a knot tying Hijikata's left shoulder to his ankle, nodded her appreciation at Sougo and mused: “The water thing is annoying too!”

“Yeah! Fuck that thing too, can you even take a bath? I tried a shower the first day, and I waited for hours for everything to dry! I just couldn't move, and then had to open the tap, wet the wash-cloth and stop the tap before I could move my even my hand again, to wash myself, and even that was a struggle!”

“Oh, yeah, we can be _in_ water, just not move in it, that is really annoying especially in summer! Or rainy days... And because water gets in the air, a puddle dried generally blocks us for some time. If it's only your hand why not, but showers are a no go. That's why we use our pets to bathe, that's really enjoyable, you should try it!”

“Finally something that's not completely shitty. Ok, fine, that I'd be willing to try!” He said angrily. “And why the hell are some things fake, anyway?! You said the coffin thing was crap, and garlic didn't do a thing to me, either!”

“Ah that...” She said with a scornful tone, her hands pulling on the rope. “ _One_ host, _one_ time was allergic to it, but somehow this spread around, now every time we're discovered, every things smells of garlic, I hate the stuff! But it's harmless to us, really. I told you there were things you should learn, people tell many lies about our kind.”

“You're not worthy of being called a teacher, emo bitch! Go get in a shitty love triangle with a werewolf, that's the type of thing you're into. Ah! That rotting-wolf behind is your lover?”

“Don't be ridiculous, it's just my favourite pet, you meanie! He's not rotting, he protected us from those creatures. I had him guard the place, in case something came out of the ship. Acid made the poor thing all ugly.”

The wolf whined and Sadaharu patted it with its paw.

“Ah don't worry, dear, you'll regenerate soon and you'll be beautiful as ever.”

“Gah, you called it dear, you zoophilous bitch!” Said Gintoki working on a vicious knot not far from Hijikata's crotch. Those he really didn't want to let her touch. Hijikata was now trying to keep still, cursing his fate and Sougo.

“He's dear to me, of course! But,” her smile turned predatory. “Now you're saying it, I _did_ hear something about people wearing this dark and gods, _lovely_ uniforms being government dogs. So you're saying it's fine if I take him, after all?”

“No!” Yelled both Gintoki and Hijikata at the same time, though Hijikata's was muffled.

Sougo was walking around them, his phone not missing a piece. Gintoki and the vampire didn't appear on his screen, but their voices were recorded, so it was still great fun. He probably could project it at the next Shinsengumi gathering. His scouter had lit up, and he wasn't sure what it was indicating, but it was going up quickly. It had started leaking, as well. He wiped his ear with one hand, trying different things to get artistic shots.

The other four were watching with different kinds of jaded expressions. Yamazaki was still rubbing his eyes and sniffing, though. And on a closer look, one would notice Kondo's expression was not really jaded, more like concentrated. His arms had been crossed, but at some point, his right hand had gone up, and he was turning the golden ball between his thumb and index.

Yeah, that was definitely a look of concentration.

“Pity. I really liked him. I can see why you do.”

Hijikata closed his eyes firmly, his face getting crimson, and Sougo made a close-up. The woman giggled.

“Oh, I really love it, when they do that. Ah, you're so lucky he likes you!” She said, in her sing-song usual tone, and something Gintoki heard as longing.

Hiijikata shook his head determined to deny it.

“Nah,” Gintoki released the last knot holding his legs, and put his hand under it to make them touch the ground without harm, before he started on the ones holding his right arm. The woman was working on his left arm. He kept his tone neutral and was careful about it. “He made that shitty collar thing to keep me away, the fucker. Even put a spell on it!”

“Ah, no, it was a gift from our men. They were really worried about Toshi, and rushed to see Seimei, early this morning,” commented Kondo with a soft smile, after he started like he was woken from some trance. Their men were good guys.

Hijikata pinned him with and enraged glare, yelling and the only clear words were “fucking unnecessary”. Couldn't he just be focused on his balls? Shit, he thought.

He then turned, finally able to move, and hit Sougo's phone with a back kick, right after the scouter had beeped loudly. It let out some smoke, and Sougo had to take it off, only keeping the red one.

“And supple too, aaah...” She sighed, smiling, one hand on her cheek as she let Gintoki took care of the last knots. She could resist enough to give him that. He'd done the job, after all.

Hijikata and Gintoki stared at each other, as the latter finally untied the gag, while the freed man was massaging his wrists, where the ropes had been hurting him, still wondering how Sougo had managed to tie his so tightly without hurting his wounded elbow more. But the main thought on his mind concerned the man who'd freed him. He blushed furiously, and took his katana out, running after Sougo. And that was _not_ fleeing!

Gintoki didn't move, his fists clenched. Shit, he couldn't very well do whatever he wanted in front of so many people! And anyway, he was so fucking tired, he could fake being alright while standing, but running after him? If she wanted to fight, he'd lose. He was exhausted, and had relied on his iron will for far too long already not to look like he was. Still, he tried to act like he was really fine.

“This shit is too is fucking distracting, how the hell do you stand it?” He asked, tiredly.

“Well isn't it nice to know, to _feel_ you have that much of an effect on him?”

Gintoki turned his head to her, and she replied quietly.

“I could have taught you our eyes aren't usually that powerful if there isn't some kind of link to begin with. Especially since you were not fully turned,” she said, watching the two running around.

“Wha-”

“But maybe it's only your strength. Usually, it takes time, before someone manages to transform into a bat, I only expected you to regenerate and get stronger. That's the first thing that happen. You probably even could try the smoke form too, now. And not drinking blood for this long...” She shook her head. “Though it's cheating a bit, if you have one blood to focus on.” Her head moved to the right, and she snorted. “I'd focus on that neck, too.”

“It wasn't easy at all, you damn bitch!”

“Well it could have been harder still. I bet you didn't even feel like eating anyone elses'. I was the same with Varla, at first... Well until I realized I didn't have to bite a neck to feed. But it's rather good you didn't, since it helped you resist. I mean... Do you really want to become _normal_ again?” Again, saying “normal” with that same scornful tone.

Gintoki didn't have to think about it.

“Yeah.”

“Aaah. Fine.”, She replied, “You did help, and Varla has gotten enough blood to survive, now. Sooo who will replace you?”

“Huh? What?”

“Varla will die, if it's not transferred to her while she is awake. I took part of her for you to regenerate while her damaged body healed. I can take it from you, but I'll have to put it in someone else.” She winked at Hijikata, with a malicious smile and a grin. The man ignored her, and focused on trying to get the phone, while avoiding soy sauce spurting from Sougo's scouter, as the asshole was using the scouter as a shield.

Kagura pushed Shinpachi forward.

“Him. He lives in his glasses, the body is a decoration.”

“It's not true! I can't believe you're still using that joke! You're wearing glasses too, shitty-Queen!”

“Hey, don't call me shitty, just Queen Kagura will do for you, _peasant_!” They started fighting, and Kagura immediately had the upper hand, even though she wasn't fighting seriously.

“I-It was a joke. They are getting Varla here, I can feel it. She's awake, now, I'll transfer it back to her.”

“That was a useless joke! You only said it to make that glasses joke again, right? You're in it too, right?”

Shinpachi lost it a bit, but he was, indeed, right.

He was ignored, and the vampire woman looked back at Gintoki.

She approached him to get closer to his neck.

“Hmm; I guess I have to bite you after all.”

“Well at least I'll remember it, this time. You shouldn't prey on drunk people it's not fair! And the neck is a no go, if you don't buy me way more drinks first!” No need to tell her he wouldn't be interested with even that!

“Oh.” She looked contrite. “Sorry, you're not really my type. I never bit you.” She shrugged elegantly.

“Eh? But-”

“You drunk my blood, well Varla's that I was keeping in me, but I didn't have to bite you. I only needed you to make you become aaa _little more_ than human, I guess. I thought the regeneration was needed to fight those things, you see? I can pull and push a part of us in someone, but turning you into one of us for real? I'd have you agree to it!” She seemed angry at the idea she'd have done it without him being aware of it. “And you do realize what wanting to bite someone in the neck means, right?” She said softly, her head cocked at Hijikata.

Gintoki blushed. Yeah he did. Fuck yeah, he did, his lips pursed. He tried not to look at Hijikata and hoped she had spoken low enough for him to be the only one to hear.

“I only chose you because you were strong, that cute host said.”

“Eeeh damn... Somehow I feel really insulted, you old shitty bitch!”

“Ah now, don't be mean or you'll stay as you are, hon'!”

Kagura had approached to pat Gintoki on the back.

“We already knew you were unpopular with girls, Gin-chan. But mama still likes you.”

“That's really not making it better, you damned bitch-Queen! In fact it makes it worse! Ah shit, let's get this over with, drag-Nosferatu-san!”

He took a step back and presented his right arm to her. She cast a furtive glance at Hijikata, who had stopped running, and with a smile, bit on Gintoki's wrist.

She drunk for a few seconds, pulling the foreign blood that was linked to her and Varla, licked the wound to stop the bleeding, and smiled.

“Now, you should look into someone eyes to make sure you don't have any power left.”

Gintoki licked his lips, wrapping his wrist in a piece of cloth he had in his yukata. He felt dizzy, and his eyelids, more and more heavy. He didn't even remember keeping Hijikata's ascot, when he'd taken it in the ship.

The woman disappeared in smoke to get behind Hijikata, her hand appearing on his glasses in less than a second, and she took them off.

“For example this pretty one. Look into his eyes!”

Gintoki tried to argue, but his gaze was drawn to Hijikata's, anyway, and he blushed, but still glared at the way her hands were touching him and the way Hijikata was contorting, trying to move away.

“Oi, rotten cop, still submissive?”

Hijikata was blushing too, as he replied.

“Shut up, you bastard! That was a spell like thing! Fucking idiot!” Again, he did his best to look unaffected, though his blush was quite a tell, and tried to shift the attention elsewhere. “Wha-what about the host²?”

“Oh, they never were hosts, as I said! Well you know... I did kind of _enslave_ them, if that's really how you people want to think about it,”, she said looking exasperated about it, “but they just followed me because I'm pretty! Right, my dears?” She said, turning to the stairs, and batting her eyelashes charmingly.

And the men and women, who had just gotten out of the ship nodded, looking a bit out of it, but otherwise fine. A policeman could do nothing about it, if those idiots didn't plan on pressing charges. Hijikata cursed. He'd have to nail her about the people in a coma only, if they didn't.

“I made sure I got enough of them not to harm, anyway, so you dears aren't mad at me, right?” She pouted.

All of them mumbled they weren't but they looked dazed, not really understanding what they were doing here, of even where they were.

Juurouta was supporting the woman who'd been on the bed, and the woman branded “blood[-y bitch]” appeared near them, and bit her neck, presenting her wrist for Varla, red-eyed, and white-haired, though her hair were long and straight, to drink from it.

She immediately looked healthier, and Gintoki stumbled, as did several of the hosts.

Far from them, in the hospital, several people came out of their coma.

“You need to eat, my dears!” Said the vampire in her sing-song voice that grated on Gintoki's nerves.

She was hit in the head.

“You double crossing bloody bitch!”

“Oh, I would have shared them all with you, you know! You've been sleeping for a while, I was lonely!”

Kagura was supporting Gintoki, who had a hard time staying on his feet, glaring at the women who seemed to be ready to be making up already. Shinpachi ran to help, trying not to stare at them, and Hijikata, who had managed to get the phone from Sougo's clutches used it to call several ambulances and then get teams to clean the place.

“Thank you my dear, you really helped. It'll take a day or two before you stop regenerating and I'm afraid you'll be a bit sick. But be careful not to drink any blood, as tempting as it is,” she said to Gintoki, holding her hand up. Gintoki glared at it but took it anyway, too tired too fight, and anyway, somehow, he didn't hate her. Their hands immediately disappeared under mosaics, and after that, the cops looked at the Yorozuya leaving. An ambulance driver had been convinced, though it took some arguing, it was fine for the kids and dog wearing ridiculous glasses to come too.

Hijikata told the women they were arrested and they didn't try to leave, maybe because they were too busy being lovey-dovey with each other. They didn't quite look like they were listening, anyway... But that was a good thing, because Hijikata didn't see how they'd prevent them from fleeing, if they tried, since they could turn into bats and smoke.

He'd felt a chill down his spine when he'd crossed the Varla woman's gaze, and had put Gintoki's glasses back on.

It took several hours to clean the place, get in touch with the Oukoku planet and check the woman's history. Hijikata got back to the barracks only when the sun was rising. He'd given his phone back to Sougo at some point, having completely forgotten about the video, and only thought about it again as his head hit his pillow. He'd cussed but was too tired to do anything about it.

Katsura crossed his arms, looking thoughtfully at the TV. An news ticker had been displayed, on the screen, telling the people in the coma had woken up, and the ~~vampire~~ criminal arrested.

“Ah! Finally! Elisabeth, we can get out again. And change those smelly curtains.”

The curtains were long ropes of garlic. Some sort of smelly beaded door curtain was protecting the entrance, too.

“That's good, it's been a while since we last appeared, right?”

He smiled at Elisabeth.

Elisabeth nodded, and raised a sign.

“Yes, and a happy one, since all those people woke up! Shall we go eat some soba, after this?”

Katsura started singing along, as a T.V. commercial they liked started.

On the sign he discarded for one saying “Ding Ding Ding”, Elisabeth had written “It's time for an epilogue.”

Gintoki was bawling. Two uninterrupted and large lines of tears were coming down from his eyes.

“I missed you, I missed you so damn much!”

He moaned, sucking and getting the blissful taste all over his tongue. He closed his eyes, drying his face a bit with his sleeve, still sucking.

He took the spoon out of his mouth to take another mouthful of strawberry milk.

He still held the parfait close to him, but kept and eye on the other sugary treats he'd take care of. Screw the doctor, he didn't get any for days, so he had to compensate!

After leaving the embassy, he'd spent a few days in the hospital. The bitch had said he'd be a bit sick, but he'd been fucking puking blood most of the first day, making even the worst hangover seem mild. He'd check soon to be sure what was worse. For science. But he really had stopped regenerating, and although he had weird dreams of him as a bat, which had, all in all, been quite fun, he really didn't seem to have any after-effect from his time as a vampire. At least, aside from that _small_ matter he wouldn't be able to ignore anymore, concerning a certain cop.

The bill had been a worry too, as at fist he wasn't sure how he'd manage to escape without paying, but thankfully, it had been taken care of, as for the other victims.

They had woken up feeling great. They said they had been having the most wonderful dream, but couldn't really remember it.

Shinpachi and Kagura came to see him everyday. They'd met Hijikata several times, too, they told him. He'd been there to get his arm treated, and to get the vics testimonies. Asshole, had thought Gintoki, learning about it. What the hell was he making him wait for?

But it was Sougo, that came, to get Gintoki's testimony.

“Danna. You look less like a corpse.”

He smiled at him, as he put a flower pot on the table near Gintoki. The man in the bed glared at it.

“Oi, there's nothing it it.”

“Well there's some dirt, or earth stuff. I'm not really into plants.”

“What do you mean, bastard!? It's bad luck to bring flowers in a pot to someone in a hospital!”

Sougo sat on the chair near the bed.

“Oh?” His smirk said his surprise was fake, and he wasn't trying to hide it at all. “Good thing there's no flower in it, then.”

Gintoki took the thing and threw it at his face, but Sougo dodged it with ease, and it crushed on the wall behind him.

“So you're getting out soon?”

“I was too dehydrated, they want to keep me till tomorrow.”

Sougo nodded.

“The other victims are fine. Hosts² were all released, just a bit dazed at first, but fine. The people in the coma woke up, and said they were having great, vivid dreams. They didn't press charges. Do you want to?”

Gintoki looked at his lap.

“Nah, too much of a bother.”

“I thought so. Still, I was ordered to get your testimony.”

“Well I was attacked by a bitch, like the others because of my dashing looks.”

Sougo smirked and nodded patronizingly.

“Sure.”

“Shut up. And then turned into a vampire, found her in the embassy infested with weird looking acid dripping, fucking ugly critters, saved the day and became human again. ”

Sougo smirked.

“You're forgetting the sexual harassment parts.”

“Well she attacked me because of my dashing looks, did you see her lover? Of course, I was her type! It says it all, but I'm a subtle guy.”

Sougo chuckled.

“Something like that, quite clearly. But I was talking about yours.”

Gintoki crossed his arms behind his head, and laid back.

“It wasn't me, it was the parasite-thingy. Did you even read a thing about the case. And anyway, I have a right not to incriminate myself or something, right?”

“You're not under investigation, Danna. Not this time.”

“Good. Then leave me alone! Ah no, wait! I forgot she'd said I worked for her and she didn't pay! Something like 1 000 000 000 will do!”

Sougo got up.

“I guess that'd be enough. Case solved, then, my job is done, and my shift over at last. The vamps are already in a shuttle, though, so since you're not pressing charges, we won't be able do do anything about that. Unless you signed some sort of contract?”

“It was't a pact with a demon, you rotten cop! Of course there wasn't a contract, she preyed on the drunk, that's really unfair!”

Sougo nodded, looking like he didn't give a fuck if he was paid or not. He didn't, after all.

“Tottsan settled things with Oukoku, as the stupid prince was mad we killed his pets, they paid for your bill here, at least.”

“That fucking idiot. Next time I see him, I'll fucking throttle him!”

Sougo smiled.

“Well a policeman hearing this kind of death threat should probably do something about it, but as I said, my shift's over. Anyway he may have become a vampire if he comes back. They were sent to his planet.”

Gintoki smirked.

“They came from there? They didn't have dicks on their faces. Well except for the one you drew. Nice one!”

Sougo mock bowed.

“No, the one who attacked you went to the embassy to get the even more useless one who got only one line. Apparently, she was taken in as a pet while in her bat form, by the stupid prince. They said she was fed weird animals blood and that made her ill. That place wasn't reconstructed yet, and the idiot said it was only unidentified eggs in the ship, so he left them in the ship under the embassy.”

“Where the hell did he find those things?”

Sougo looked a his notes for the name of the ship.

“The… Nostromo was added to their fleet after it had been found drifting in space. They don't really know, in fact. The ship itself could be tracked back, but nothing like those creatures were known in the planet it came from. Since it wasn't a battle ship, the forehead-dicked guys placed it in the ground before the embassy was constructed, when they first came on Earth, to be able to use it to flee if it was needed. Most embassies are ships or hide one, as the Amanto don't really trust us.”

He looked satisfied about it, and kept talking.

“It was then abandoned, with the house over it, as a playground for some of that guy's pets. The Yumi woman said the some eggs had hatched, when she came in to free her lover. She'd apparently been hiding, when the embassy was evacuated, during the war, but was too weak to flee after that. She had not fed for years, so was really feeble when she was found, asleep and she'd sealed the doors to be safe, but it used all of her strength. Her lover sneaked the hosts² to get her to feed. She took them one at a time, as she said it was too difficult to fight all of the creatures by herself, and sealed the doors again to protect them. Then, she tried to make someone strong enough to fight them. The people in the coma didn't work out, she hypnotized people to “find” them so that they wouldn't die, and then she found you.”

“If she thought being a vampire was needed to fight them, she could do it herself! Fucking bitch.”

“Yes. But she claims was alone and scared if she failed, those things would get out. She said she'd tried to look mean to you so that you'd be pissed enough to look for her and kill those things. That's why she said she gave you days to attune to your vampiric powers. There are some things you kept to yourself, right?”

Sougo seemed amused as he had no reply, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“She feared taking too long would let them all hatch, as apparently, taking people alive there woke the two first ones we met, and she insists she didn't want them to get out, but that you needed to get stronger and better regenerative abilities to fight them. She claims she tried to protect us. I guess she kinda did.”

“Okay, she's not that much of a bad guy, but still a shitty bitch.”

“True,”agreed Sougo.

“Why the hell didn't she call the police, anyway? Or a fucking army?”

Sougo shrugged with a smirk.

“Yeah, nobody trusts us cops, I really can't understand why.”

Gintoki chuckled, as Sougo was waving his goodbye.

He stopped by the door.

“Oh yeah. Zaki buried Anpan-Worm-Pandemonium-Crotch-Goa'uld-san at the HQ, if you wanna pay your respects to whatever was not eaten. We're going to have all useless characters buried there, I fear...”

“What a bother, I have to?” He'd get the anpans from the idiotic mom! Ah or Tama's? That would be fitting!

Sougo shrugged again, and he left.

He'd been freed at last on the following afternoon. Kagura and Shinpachi had taken him straight to his favourite café.

After he'd eaten his fill with what money they got, he had gotten a tab. Part of his sweet meal had been paid for with money the Shinsengumi had given them as a reward, for their help in arresting a dangerous criminal, even if she wasn't really arrested, nor a criminal. Sougo had not piped about it, but Shinpachi had been given some money by Kondo, who'd been visiting Otae, on the previous day.

But with Kagura there too, it had not been enough.

At least, the fridge and pantries were full already, had declared Shinpachi, happily eating a single piece of cake while in front of Gintoki and Kagura, empty plates were piling up. He'd also ordered a brand new Touya Lake bokuto they had brought for him.

Gintoki had no idea how he would pay for the meal (consisting only for his part, of cakes and different types of parfaits), but one can always hope the tab will be forgotten or lost right?

He went to his place, Shinpachi leaving them to go home too, and searched for something he would need that night.

That idiot could have at least paid him a visit, right? Well he wasn't the type to wait eternally. In fact, he wouldn't at all.

He didn't want to, really, he couldn't wait any longer. Tonight, it would be.

Kagura eyed him from time to time, as he was making a racket while she was watching Lady's Four.

“You're noisy! Looking for something, Bat-chan? ”

“I'm cured, Kagura-chan.” he replied, with a tight smile, fists clenched.

Thanks the gods the fic was nearly over, and she'd probably have forgotten about that in the next one. At least, he hoped so.

“And hum... yeah... Did we throw away our Halloween costumes? I was sure they were still around.”

Kagura thought about it. She'd been a ghost with plates, Shinpachi... She couldn't remember. Demonic glasses or something. And she giggled.

“You miss it already Gi-Bat-chan? ”

“Hey, stick with Gin-chan! Gin-san's fine! He's cured!”

“But you were nearly as cute as Sadaharu!”

Sadaharu barked happily, which was him giving his approval: Nearly.

“I just... nevermind.”

Kagura focused back on the TV. Gintoki found it, at some point, and he waited for the night to fall before he prepared to go.

Kagura yawned, still watching TV but now in her pyjamas. She heard him reach the door and turned her head.

“Say “hi” to the Mayora, Bat-san. And it's as they say on TV, “no protection, no action”, Gin-chan.”

“Y-yeah, mom.” Gintoki shook his head, flushed with embarrassment at the idea he was that obvious. Well while he'd been a vampire, he _had been_ , really, but they could have the decency of being idiots about that as they were about everything else, couldn't they? Shit.

He reached Hijikata's room discreetly, blushing whenever he wasn't able to avoid people. At last, he reached the Shinsengumi's headquarters, discreetly climbed the wall to reach his door faster, and didn't meet any cop, thankfully, their security was a mess, but they'd been partying non-stop after the case was closed, he'd heard, since they had been overworked, the poor little bastards that were paid with tax-payers money to party.

He took a deep breath, bracing himself. That wasn't that hard. Really, he'd been quite interested, that much was obvious, so why did his knees feel like jello? Ah now he thought about it, maybe he only needed more sugar. A coffee jelly would he nice. He shook his head. Later.

He scratched at the door. He was peeved as there was no noise inside, so he scratched louder. He had not even considered the asshole could be on patrol or anywhere else. But anymore, and he'd damage the door...

He heard some grumbling coming nearer to the door, and he raised his hands like it were claws, holding his cape open, as the door slid.

Hijikata was rubbing his left eye. He'd fallen asleep on his desk, but a weird noise had disturbed him.

He paled and jerked away, and a second later, realised who that was. He kicked him in the belly, sending him on the ground, after the idiot said “Trick or treat!” like it was enough to explain what he was doing here.

And he pushed the door closed, waiting in front of it with an irritated scowl. The idiot would come back, right? No way he'd go from just that.

As expected, he heard the scratching sound again.

Of course, the bastard would come to goad and laugh at him about the fact he really had been turned on. Fucking vampiric powers. He did all he could to hide it, so that was really, in every way, fucking below the belt.

He glanced at his sword, a few feet away. He hesitated, and opened the door without getting it.

“Oi, I said trick or treat, you bastard!”

“It's spring you moron. Try it again in october!” He frowned. “No, in fact, don't try it again! If that's all, us mortals sleep at night!”

He looked at his attire. That pissed him too. He didn't look ridiculous, and that was really irritating. The red lining of his cape made his eyes look even redder, and he always looked good in black. The vest fit him tightly, accentuating his broad, muscular chest, and damn, the ascot did things to Hijikata.

His hair still were messy, weirdly, he could see he'd tried to push them back, and they were trying to get back the way they wanted, like they were living their own life, whatever he'd do. He remembered trying to tame them, when he'd been in his body. Useless. But when he'd been in his body, he really didn't think something like that would appeal to him. Obviously he'd been wrong. But his smirk, that cocky smirk was even more annoying, why the hell did he have to look so good, fucking idiotic bastard! He was staring right? Damn, he needed to stop that!

“Let me in?” Asked Gintoki, in a mellifluous tone that Hijikata didn't expect to hear, addressed to him.

“Y-you're still affected by the parasite?”

He turned his back at him to go grab a cigarette, because he wasn't sure he'd carefully hidden his worry. He'd sent Sougo and Yamazaki to check, he was supposed to be completely cured! That and his treacherous cheeks. He could feel them! He tried to get a grip, and turned around, as he got no answer.

Gintoki shook his head, when he faced him again, still outside.

“I want you to invite me in.”

“Will you leave me alone, if I do? I haven't had a decent night since the beginning of this mess, fucking vampiric fuckers and worm aliens things.” He cast him an exasperated glare, passing a hand in his hair, still a bit mussed with sleep, letting his annoyance get rid of whatever else he was thinking. Who the hell just barged in like this for no reason? “Fine, whatever, come in, but I don't have any sweets.”

“There are all kinds of sweets. I'm sure you have something hard and sweet I could suck on.”

Hijikata went instantly beet red.

“T-su-What? T-that's sup-supposed to be arousing?” Hijikata stammered, taking a step back.

“Dunno,” Gintoki replied, entering the room. He was so flushed, he wasn't wrong, and his confidence came back instantly. The way he'd stared at him, it was clear he liked that costume, at the very least. “Is it?”

“No!” Hijikata exclaimed, as if it was obvious. It should have been obvious!

Gintoki smirked, unfazed.

“Damn,” he said, his tone neutral. “I'll try _harder_ , then.”

Hijikata didn't even find anything to reply to that, stuttering beginnings of words, his face so red he looked like he was going to explode.

“Y-you... Why are you doing this?” He finally managed.

Gintoki lifted a brow.

“Only the blood thing wasn't me, but that's not the only thing I wanted from you. But I could feel your blood, remember?” he asked, in a playful and enticing tone that turned Hijikata on so much he was ashamed of it.

Hijikata's lower lip moved as if he was about to talk, but nothing came out.

Gintoki came closer and closer, till they were face to face, and Hijikata shuddered, as his eyes were in fact just as enthralling as they were when he'd been a vampire thing, only he kept his wits and his ability to move. He wasn't messing with him, right? Gintoki's fingertips caressed the healing wound on his cheek. It was a rosy mark, and wouldn't leave a scar.

“I want you to _let me in_.”

“Y-you're already...” He flushed, neck to ears, and he tried to take a step away, but Gintoki's hand appeared from somewhere on the small of his back, and he pulled him closer instead.

“Will you let me?”

“I- I...” He took a sharp intake of breath as Gintoki got closer, and caressed his neck with his lips.

“Yorozuya...”

Gintoki pressed his lips on his neck and straightened.

“I came with this outfit just in case you were only turned on by vampires, you know? Guess we'll go for a trick, then.”

Hijikata blushed, and even more, as Gintoki made a show of letting his fake vampire fangs appear by some agile movement of his tongue. He passed his tongue on his upper teeth, feeling slowly his right fang.

The vice-commander could not take his eyes away, and his cock twitched in his pants.

“I-I'm... I 'm _not_ turned on by vampires!”

Gintoki smirked, and shit, Hijitaka found it so sexy with those fangs. Maybe he was … just a little?

“No?” The smirk grew larger. “Then you admit it's by me.”

He wanted to deny it, still blushing furiously, his pulse racing, but he stopped breathing, as the Yorozuya spoke again.

“Good.”

Gintoki pressed his lips against his for a few seconds, and tried to deepen the kiss, before chuckling away as Hijikata had made a little moan as his lip was grazed by one of the fangs. He rested a second his mouth his neck, mumbled “sorry”, grazed softly the fangs on it, feeling Hijikata shuddering against him, and straightened up to take the fake teeth off.

With his other hand, he followed his arm down to take the forgotten cigarette, mostly ashes now, from his way too tight grip, while his other followed the arm all the way to the fist clenched on his side, to gently make it let go. He took both to the desk, put the cigarette out, and turned back with an idiotic grin, cheeks flushed, and that made Hijikata realize, at last, he really wasn't messing around.

“Okay, so bad idea. I had not thought about it all that much.”

Hijikata's lips turned up, in a small smile. That grin wasn't as sexy, but damn, he loved seeing it. What an idiot, he thought. But he really wanted...

He crossed the distance between them to give and get a proper kiss, and it was good, so good it almost felt surreal.

“Way better” whispered Gintoki in his ear, after a long kiss, as he moved again to his neck, after his thumb had caressed the healing wound on his cheek.

Hijikata chuckled, letting most of his embarrassment aside, now he didn't feel like he was being mocked.

“A-aren't you the one with a fetish?”

Gintoki kissed and sucked on his neck, blushing.

“Maybe a little?”

Hijikata grabbed his neck-tie, to pull him up and give him a taste of what it felt like, and Gintoki closed his eyes, moving his head to give him more space while his hand played with his soft, straight hair. He moaned as Hijikata sucked on his ear lobe, and turned his head to kiss him fully on the lips, his impatient hands now moving under Hijikata's shirt.

Sougo had a smug smirk and took several pictures, before he interrupted them in a bored tone.

“Hijikata-saaan.”

They both froze immediately and right after that, pushed each other away. Gintoki tripped on his vampire cape and fell on his ass. Vampires disguises decidedly were fun _yet_ fucking unpractical. Was there anything good about vampires? Fuck!

Hijikata winced, seeing him fall, but still looked like a deer caught in the headlights. His hand _may_ have been kneading Gintoki's ass, as he pulled him closer.

It wasn't his fault! He couldn't move his healing elbow to much, so he _had to_ keep it down!

“It seems I didn't give you the right kind of protection against vampires, but holy condom _probably_ isn't a thing. Or were you hypnotized again?”

He took a picture of his way too red face and smiled at Gintoki, flushed too, but no comparison.

“Danna.”

Gintoki raised a hand, getting up slowly, and cast a worried glance at Hijijata from the corner of his eyes. He was clearly freaking out, and what if he didn't want to do anything like that again?

“S-Sougo... erase that!”

“I'm not sure what you're talking about, Hijikata-san. Vampires don't exist, right? You're alone in your room doing nothing in particular, _right_?”

“You just said “Hi” to him, you bastard! Erase it, I'm serious, Sougo!”

Sougo's smile was reaching his eyes, and he had a hard time not bursting out laughing. Those two idiots really had needed something like this to realize they had the hots for each other? Damn, they were idiots! He put his phone back in his pocket.

“Aaah well, I kinda like the vampire thing, if that means you sleeping in a coffin. But no time for fun stuff, some guy's threatening to blow himself up. See, you still get a blow job in the end. Car's waiting at the gates.”

Hijikata tried to muster his dignity, putting his shirt back in his pants, but he wasn't sure he was going to survive this. So he pointedly ignored the joke, grabbed his jacket, that had been folded on the side of his desk, his katana, and with a brief, undecipherable look at the Yorozuya, got out of his room.

Gintoki scratched the back of his head with a sigh. Well busted as they were, no point in trying to hide anything. The guy had been having too much fun about it as he was a vampire, anyway. Letting show he was embarrassed would only make things worse.

“Well what about my blow job? It's unfair!”

Sougo smirked at him, not trying anymore to contain his chuckle.

“Wanna come?”

“Obviously, bastard! It wasn't your timing that was supposed to suck tonight! Shit. Don't kill him tonight, I'm not done with him.”

“Sure thing, Danna.” He grabbed something near the door, and threw it at the Yorozuya.

“Since you're into role-play, take this for next time. He'll love it.”

Gintoki chuckled as he looked at it. A dog leash with garlic, surely he'd need that someday.

“Fine, but send me those pictures, then. And the video too, he didn't erase it, right?”

They heard Hijikata yell at Sougo to get his ass in the car.

He had a smug smirk, as he walked towards it.

“Not before I made a copy,” replied Sougo smugly. “Hijikata-saaan it was pretty obvious a minute ago it's not my ass you're into,” he said loudly, his tone seemingly bored.

“S-sh-shut up and get in the fucking car!”

Gintoki followed, but stopped, as his gaze fell on the desk.

A small, but happy smile lit his face. His broken bokuto and the shit-shaped glasses had been hidden by the jacket. He too had kept the handcuffs glasses, and they were now in his desk's drawer.

He closed the door behind him. He didn't bother to be discreet, as the whole barracks would know he'd at least been there in a matter of hours, he guessed. As he heard Sougo, he thought it probably wouldn't be limited to the barracks, depending on that sadistic kid's mood.

Oh, well, that would serve _him_ right, fucking rotten bastard not saying anything.

He went home, dead set on checking real soon what happened without his vampire attire. But he'd keep it. It was only fair, if he got the asshole to wear it, right? He'd probably look damn good in it!

Hijikata and several men of the Shinsengumi worked till the early hours of the morning. The man was arrested, and no one died that night.

Back at the barracks, the vice-commander slept like a log. When he woke up, he thought with dread Sougo could have already printed the photographs. Maybe they were everywhere in the barracks. Shitty brat. Well, just another mess to clean up. He wasn't sure what he could do about this one, but he'd find something. With any luck, he wouldn't use it before he tried to blackmail him. Fucking Sougo!

He stretched, sitting on his futon, and yawned. His gaze fell on the abandoned fake fangs. The mere thought of Gintoki's smirk, and his dick was fully awake too.

His brows creased in thought. The smallest hint of a smile then lifted the corner of his lips.

No, it really wasn't a vampire kink. But he wouldn't mind at all, if he kept the outfit...

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm I'm gonna get roasted because you guys didn't get enough GinHiji right? Sorry! Sumimasen and stuff!  
> It was way too silly a story for them to get a proper or regular sex ending :p  
> I may write a sequel someday, though I had planned it to end like this from the start... I've started several other stories, though, and am more working on these... And a sequel to this ... It'd have to be at least as idiotic, and I'm not sure I can manage it (though as I write this, the first thought that crosses my mind is: "Also me: hold my beer"...) and still, as 2020 seems to be getting even shittier, I'll probably want to get into more nonsense...  
> And anyway, I know all of you want an answer to the real question: Did Umibozou's hair really grow back!? And really, the alien franchise never ends, there's always something, so did AWPCG have a twin or something? ^^
> 
> Oh well! Thanks for staying here till the end, thanks for reading this at all, and many many thanks to the people who were nice enough to post comments! To you, and to those who didn't, well everyone, really, I hope you had fun reading this!
> 
> And of course, happy Halloween to the people who celebrate it! (or those of you guys who can go out to celebrate it..... shitty 2020...)

**Author's Note:**

> Have a great day/night/whatever!


End file.
